Who is an infantile person? Infantile personality. Who is it
Today we will analyze a completely ambiguous topic - infantilism. The term "infantility" comes from the word "infant".
From Wikipedia: Infant, female form infanta (Spanish infante, port. infant) - the title of all princes and princesses royal house in Spain and Portugal.
Infantilism (from lat. infantilis - children's)- this is immaturity in development, the preservation in the physical appearance or behavior of the features inherent in the previous age stages.
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In a figurative sense, infantilism (like childishness) is a manifestation of a naive approach in everyday life, in politics, in relationships, etc.
For a more complete picture, it should be noted that infantilism can be mental and psychological. And their main difference is not the external manifestation, but the causes of occurrence.
External manifestation mental and psychological infantilism are similar and are expressed in the manifestation of childish traits in behavior, in thinking, in emotional reactions.
To understand the difference between mental and psychological infantilism, it is necessary to understand the causes of its occurrence.
Mental infantilism
It arises as a result of a lag and delay in the psyche of the child. In other words, there is a delay in the formation of personality, caused by a delay in development in the emotional and volitional spheres. The emotional-volitional sphere is the base on which the personality is built. Without such a base, a person, in principle, cannot grow up and remains an “eternal” child at any age.It should also be noted here that infantile children differ from mentally retarded or autistic children. Their mental sphere may be developed, they may have high level abstract-logical thinking, are able to apply the acquired knowledge, be intellectually developed and independent.
Psychic infantilism cannot be detected in early childhood, it can be noticed only when the child has a school or adolescence game interests begin to prevail over educational ones.
In other words, the child's interest is limited only by games and fantasies, everything that goes beyond this world is not accepted, not explored and is perceived as something unpleasant, complex, alien imposed from the outside.
Behavior becomes primitive and predictable; from any disciplinary requirements, the child goes even more into the world of play and fantasy. Over time, this leads to problems of social adaptation.
As an example, a child can play for hours on a computer, sincerely not understanding why you need to brush your teeth, make your bed, go to school. Everything outside the game is alien, unnecessary, incomprehensible.
It should be noted that the infantilism of a person born normal may be the fault of the parents. A frivolous attitude towards a child in childhood, a ban on making independent decisions for a teenager, a constant restriction of his freedom just leads to the underdevelopment of the emotional-volitional sphere.
Psychological infantilism
With psychological infantilism, the child has a healthy, without delay, psyche. He may well correspond to his development by age, but in practice this does not happen, because for a number of reasons he chooses the role of a child in behavior.
In general, the main difference between mental infantilism and psychological infantilism can be expressed as follows:
Mental infantilism: I can't even if I want to.
Psychological infantilism: I don't want to, even if I can.
FROM general theory clear. Now more specifically.
How does infantilism appear?
According to psychologists, infantilism is not an innate quality, but acquired through upbringing. So what do parents and educators do that a child grows up infantile?Again, according to psychologists, infantilism develops in the period from 8 to 12 years. Let's not argue, but just observe how it happens.
Between the ages of 8 and 12, a child can already take responsibility for their actions. But in order for a child to start doing independent things, he needs to be trusted. This is where the main “evil” lies, which leads to infantilism.
Here are some examples of childish upbringing:
- “Are you unable to write an essay? I will help, I used to write essays well, ”says my mother.
- "I know better what's right!"
- "If you listen to your mom, you'll be fine."
- "What opinion can you have!"
- "I said so be it!"
- “Your hands are growing out of the wrong place!”
- “Yes, you always have everything like not people.”
- "Go away, I'll do it myself."
- “Well, of course, whatever he does not undertake, he will break everything!”
Over the years, the child may believe that his parents are right, that he is a failure, that he cannot do anything right, and that others can do it much better. And if there is still a suppression of feelings and emotions, the child will never get to know them and then his emotional sphere will not be developed.
- "You're still going to cry to me here!"
- “What are you yelling at? Painfully? You have to be patient."
- "Boys never cry!"
- "What are you yelling like crazy."
By and large, parents unconsciously suppress both will and feelings in the child.
This is one of the options. But there are others. For example, when a mother is raising a son (or daughter) alone. She begins to patronize the child more than he needs. She wants him to grow up to be some very famous, to prove to the whole world what a talent he is, so that his mother can be proud of him.
Keyword Mother could be proud. In this case, you don’t even think about the child, the main thing is to satisfy your ambitions. Such a mother will be happy to find for her child the occupation that he will like, put all her strength and money into it, and take on all the difficulties that may arise during such a hobby.
So talented, but not adapted children grow up. Well, if then there is a woman who wants to serve this talent. And if not? And if it still turns out that there is essentially no talent. Guess what awaits such a child in life? And my mother will grieve: “Well, why is he like that! I've done so much for him!" Yes, not for him, but FOR HIM, that's why he is like that.
Another example is when parents do not have a soul in their child. Since childhood, he only hears how wonderful he is, how talented, how smart, and everything like that. The self-conceit of the child becomes so high that he is sure that he deserves more just like that and will not make any effort to achieve this more.
His parents will do everything for him and will watch with admiration how he breaks toys (he is so inquisitive), how he offends children in the yard (he is so strong), etc. And when faced with real difficulties in life, he will deflate like a bubble.
Another very a prime example the birth of infantilism, a stormy divorce of parents, when the child feels unnecessary. Parents find out the relationship between themselves, and the hostage of these relationships is the child.
All the strength and energy of the parents is directed to “annoying” the other side. The child does not understand what is really happening and often begins to take responsibility for himself - dad left because of me, I was a bad son (daughter).
This burden becomes exorbitant and the emotional sphere is suppressed when the child does not understand what is happening to him, and there is no adult nearby who would help him understand himself and what is happening. The child begins to "withdraw into himself", close up and live in his own world, where he is comfortable and well. Real world presented as something frightening, evil and unacceptable.
I think that you yourself can give many such examples, and maybe even recognize yourself or your parents in some ways. Any result of upbringing that leads to the suppression of the emotional-volitional sphere leads to infantilism.
Just do not rush to blame your parents for everything. It is very convenient and it is also one of the forms of manifestation of infantilism. Better look what you are doing with your children now.
You see, in order to educate a person, you yourself need to be a person. And in order for a conscious child to grow nearby, the parents must also be conscious. But is it really so?
Are you dumping anger on your children for your unresolved issues (emotional suppression)? Are you trying to impose your vision of life on children (suppression of the volitional sphere)?
We unconsciously make the same mistakes that our parents made, and if we are not aware of them, then our children will make the same mistakes in raising their children. Alas, it is.
Once again for understanding:
Mental infantilism is an undeveloped emotional-volitional sphere;
Psychological infantilism is a suppressed emotional-volitional sphere.
How does infantilism manifest itself?
Manifestations of mental and psychological infantilism are practically the same. Their difference is that with mental infantilism a person cannot consciously and independently change his behavior, even if he has a motive.And with psychological infantilism, a person can change his behavior when a motive appears, but most often he does not change it out of a desire to leave everything as it is.
Let's look at specific examples of the manifestation of infantilism.
A person has achieved success in science or in art, but in everyday life it turns out to be completely unadapted. In his activities, he feels like an adult and competent, but an absolute child in everyday life and in relationships. And he tries to find someone who will take over the area of life in which you can remain a child.
Adult sons and daughters continue to live with their parents and do not create families of their own. With parents, everything is familiar and familiar, you can remain an eternal child, for whom all domestic problems will be solved.
To create your own family is to take responsibility for your life and face certain difficulties.
Suppose that it becomes unbearable to live with your parents, they also begin to demand something. If another person appears in a person’s life, on whom responsibility can be shifted, then he will leave his parental home and continue to lead the same lifestyle as with his parents - not to take on anything and not to answer for anything.
Only infantilism can push a man or woman to leave his family, to neglect his obligations in order to try to regain his bygone youth.
Constant change of work due to unwillingness to make efforts or gaining mythical experience.
The search for a "savior" or "magic pill" is also a sign of infantilism.
The main criterion can be called the inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for their lives, not to mention the lives of loved ones. And as they wrote in the comments: “The worst thing is to be with a person and know that you cannot rely on him at a critical moment! Such people create families, give birth to children and shift the responsibility to other shoulders!”
What does infantilism look like?
It is not always possible to determine at a glance whether a person is infantile in front of you or not. Infantilism will begin to manifest itself in interaction, and especially at critical moments in life, when a person, as it were, slows down, does not make any decision and waits for someone to take responsibility for him.Infantile people can be compared to eternal children who do not particularly care about anything. Moreover, they are not only not interested in other people, but they do not want to take care of themselves (psychological infantilism) or cannot (mentally) take care of themselves.
If we talk about male infantilism, then this is definitely the behavior of a child who needs not a woman, but a mother who takes care of him. So many women fall for this bait, and then they begin to resent: “Why do I have to do it all the time? And earn money, and maintain a house, and take care of children, and build relationships. Is there a man around at all?
The question immediately arises: “A man? And who did you marry? Who was the initiator of acquaintance, meetings? Who decided how and where to spend a joint evening? Who kept thinking about where to go and what to do?” These questions are endless.
If from the very beginning you took everything upon yourself, invented and did everything yourself, and the man just obediently performed, then did you marry an ADULT MAN? It seems to me that you were married to a CHILD. Only you were so in love that you didn’t notice it right away.
What to do
This is the most main question, which occurs. Let's look at it first regarding the child, if you are parents. Then about an adult who continues to be a child in life. (These issues are discussed in the article What to do if you have an infantile husband. approx. ed.)And the last thing, if you saw in yourself the features of infantilism and decided to change something in yourself, but you don’t know how.
1. What to do if you have an infantile child.
Let's think together - what do you want to get as a result of raising a child, what are you doing and what needs to be done to get the desired result?
The task of each parent is to adapt the child as much as possible to independent living without parents and learn to live in interaction with other people so that he can create his own happy family.
There are several mistakes, as a result of which infantilism develops. Here is some of them.
Mistake 1. Sacrifice
This mistake manifests itself when parents begin to live for their children, trying to give the child the best, so that he has everything, so that he is dressed no worse than others, so that he studies at the institute, while denying himself everything.Your own life seems to become unimportant compared to the life of a child. Parents can work several jobs, be malnourished, lack sleep, not take care of themselves and their health, if only the child is doing well, if only he learns and grows up as a person. Most often, single parents do this.
At first glance, it seems that parents put their whole soul into the child, but the result is deplorable, the child grows up unable to appreciate his parents and the care they gave.
What is really happening. A child from an early age gets used to the fact that parents live and work only for the sake of his well-being. He gets used to getting everything ready. The question arises, if a person is used to getting everything ready, will he, then himself, be able to do something for himself or will he wait for someone to do it for him?
And at the same time, not just wait, but demand with your behavior that you must, because there is no experience to do something on your own, and it was the parents who did not give this experience, because everything has always been for him and only for his sake. He seriously does not understand why it should be different and how it is even possible.
And the child does not understand why and for what he should be grateful to his parents, if it should have been so. Sacrificing yourself is like ruining your life and the life of a child.
What to do. You need to start with yourself, learn to value yourself and your life. If parents do not value their own life, the child will take it for granted and will also not value the life of their parents, and, consequently, the lives of other people. For him, life for his sake will become the rule in relationships, he will use others and consider this absolutely normal behavior, because he was taught that way, he simply does not know how to do otherwise.
Think about it, is it interesting for a child to be with you if you have nothing to give besides caring for him? If nothing happens in your life that could attract a child to share your interests, to feel like a member of a community - a family?
And then is it any wonder if the child finds entertainment on the side, such as drinking, drugs, thoughtless festivities, etc., because he is used to only getting what he is given. And how can he be proud of you and respect you if you are nothing of yourself, if all your interests are only around him?
Mistake 2. “I will part the clouds with my hands” or I will solve all the problems for you
This mistake manifests itself in pity when parents decide that there are still enough problems for the life of the child, and let him remain a child at least with them. And in the end, an eternal child. Pity can be caused by distrust that the child can take care of himself in some way. And distrust, again, arises from the fact that the child has not been taught to take care of himself on his own.What it looks like:
- "You're tired, rest, I'll finish it."
- “You still have time to work out! Let me do it for you."
- “You still have to do your homework, okay, go, I’ll wash the dishes myself.”
- “We need to agree with Marivanna so that she tells whoever needs you to go to study without any problems”
By and large, parents begin to feel sorry for their child, he is tired, he huge pressure, he is small, does not know life. And the fact that the parents themselves do not rest and their workload is no less, and not everyone themselves once knew, for some reason is forgotten about this.
All homework, the device in life, falls on the shoulders of the parents. “This is my child, if I don’t take pity on him, if I don’t do something for him (read: for him), who else will take care of him? And after some time, when the child gets used to the fact that everything will be done for him, the parents are surprised why the child is not adapted to anything and they have to do everything themselves. But for him, this is the norm.
What does it lead to. A child, if it is a boy, will look for the same wife, behind whose back you can warmly settle down and hide from life's hardships. She will feed, wash and earn money, it is warm and reliable with her.
If the child is a girl, then she will look for a man who will play the role of a dad, who will solve all problems for her, support her and not burden her with anything.
What to do. First, pay attention to what your child is doing, what household duties he performs. If not any, then first of all it is necessary that the child has his own responsibilities.
It is not so difficult to teach a child to take out the garbage, wash the dishes, clean up toys and things, keep his room in order. But duties must not just be imputed, but taught how and what to do and explain why. In no case should such a phrase sound: “The main thing is that you study well, this is your duty, and I will do everything around the house myself.”
He must be held accountable for his duties. The child is tired, not tired, it doesn't matter, after all, you can rest and fulfill your duties, this is his responsibility. Don't you do that yourself? Is someone doing something for you? Your task is to learn not to regret and not to do the work for him, if you want him not to grow up infantile. It is pity and distrust that a child can do something well himself and does not make it possible to educate the volitional sphere.
Mistake 3. Excessive love, expressed in constant admiration, tenderness, elevation above the rest and permissiveness
What can this lead to. To the fact that he will never learn to love (and therefore give), including his parents. At first glance, it will seem that he knows how to love, but all his love, it is conditional and only in response, and with any remark, doubt about his “genius” or lack of admiration, it will “disappear”.As a result of such upbringing, the child is sure that the whole world should admire and indulge him. And if this does not happen, then everyone around is bad, incapable of love. Although it is he who is incapable of love, he has not been taught this.
As a result, he will choose a protective phrase: “I am who I am and accept me as I am, I don’t like it, I don’t hold it.” He will accept the love of others calmly, for granted, and, having no response inside, will hurt those who love him, including his parents.
Often this is perceived as a manifestation of selfishness, but the problem is much deeper, such a child does not have a developed emotional sphere. He simply has nothing to love. Being in the center of attention all the time, he did not learn to trust his feelings and the child did not develop a sincere interest in other people.
Another option is when parents “protect” their child who has knocked on the threshold in this way: “Oh, what a threshold is not good, offended our boy!”. From childhood, the child is inspired that everyone around is to blame for his troubles.
What to do. Again, it is necessary to start with parents, who also need to grow up and stop seeing their child as a toy, an object of adoration. A child is an independent autonomous person who, for development, needs to be in a real world, not a world invented by his parents.
The child must see and experience the whole gamut of feelings and emotions without running away or suppressing them. And the task of parents is to learn how to adequately respond to the manifestation of emotions, not to prohibit, not to calm unnecessarily, but to sort out all the situations that caused negative emotions.
It is not at all necessary that someone else is “bad” and therefore your child is crying, look at the situation as a whole, what your child did wrong, teach him not to dwell on himself, but to go towards people himself, showing sincere interest in them and find ways out of difficult situations without blaming others or yourself. But for this, as I already wrote, parents themselves need to grow up.
Mistake 4. Clear attitudes and rules
It is very convenient for most parents when an obedient child grows nearby, clearly following the instructions “do this”, “do not do that”, “do not be friends with this boy”, “in this case, do this”, etc.They believe that all education lies in command and subordination. But they don’t think at all that they deprive the child of the ability to think independently and take responsibility for their actions.
As a result, they raise a soulless and thoughtless robot that needs clear instructions. And then they themselves suffer from the fact that if they didn’t say something, then the child didn’t do it. Here, not only the volitional, but also the emotional sphere is suppressed, because the child does not need to notice the emotional states of both his own and other people, and it becomes the norm for him to act only according to instructions. The child lives in constant obsession with actions and complete emotional neglect.
What does this lead to? A person does not learn to think and becomes unable to think on his own, he constantly needs someone who will give him clear instructions on what, how and when to do it, he will always be to blame for others, those who did not “correct” his behavior, did not say what to do and how to act.
Such people will never take the initiative, and will always wait for clear and specific instructions. They will not be able to solve any complex problems.
What to do in such cases? Learn to trust the child, let him do something wrong, you just analyze the situation later and find together the right decision together, not for him. Talk more with the child, ask him to express his opinion, do not ridicule if you do not like his opinion.
And most importantly, do not criticize, but analyze the situation, what was done wrong and how it could have been done differently, constantly being interested in the opinion of the child. In other words, the child must be taught to think and reflect.
Mistake 5. “I myself know what the child needs”
This error is a variation of the fourth error. And it lies in the fact that parents do not listen to the true desires of the child. The desires of the child are perceived as momentary whims, but this is not quite the same thing.Whims are fleeting desires, and true desires are what a child dreams of. The purpose of such behavior of parents is the realization by the child of what the parents themselves could not realize (as options - family traditions, fictitious images of the unborn child). By and large, they make a “second self” out of a child.
Once, in childhood, such parents dreamed of becoming musicians, famous athletes, great mathematicians and now they are trying to realize their childhood dreams through a child. As a result, the child cannot find a favorite activity for himself, and if he does, then the parents take it with hostility: “I know better what you need, so you will do what I tell you.”
What does it lead to. To the fact that the child will never have a goal at all, he will never learn to understand his desires, and will always be dependent on the desires of others and is unlikely to achieve any success in realizing the desires of his parents. He will always feel out of place.
What to do. Learn to listen to the desires of the child, be interested in what he dreams of, what attracts him, teach him to express his desires out loud. Observe what attracts your child, what he enjoys doing. Never compare your child to others.
Remember, the desire that your child will become a musician, artist, famous athlete, mathematician - these are your desires, not the child's. Trying to instill your desires in a child, you will make him deeply unhappy or achieve the opposite result.
Mistake 6. "Boys don't cry"
The inability of the parents themselves to express their emotions leads to the fact that the emotions of the child begin to suppress. There is a ban on strong experiences of positive and negative emotions corresponding to the real situation, since the parents themselves do not know how to react to them.And if you don’t know something, then often the choice is made towards leaving or banning. As a result, by forbidding a child to express his emotions, parents, by and large, forbid the child to feel, and ultimately - to live life to the fullest.
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child cannot understand himself, and he needs a "guide" who will explain to him what he feels. He will trust this person and completely depend on his opinion. Hence conflicts arise between the mother and the wife of a man.
The mother will say one thing, and the wife another, and each will prove that exactly what she says, the man feels. As a result, the man simply steps aside, giving women the opportunity to "deal" with each other.
What is really happening to him, he does not know and will follow the decision of the one that will win this war. As a result, he will always live someone else's life, but not his own, and when he does not get to know himself.
What to do. Let your child cry, laugh, express himself emotionally, do not rush to calm down in this way: “Well, okay, everything will work out”, “boys don’t cry”, etc. When a child is in pain, do not hide from his feelings, make it clear that you would also be hurt in a similar situation, and you understand him.
Show empathy, let the child get acquainted with the whole gamut of feelings without suppression. If he is happy about something, rejoice with him, if he is sad, listen to what worries him. Show interest in the child's inner life.
Mistake 7. Transferring your emotional state to the child
Often, parents transfer their disorder and dissatisfaction with life to the child. This is expressed in constant nit-picking, raising the voice, and sometimes simply in a breakdown on the child.The child becomes a hostage to the parent's dissatisfaction and is unable to resist it. This leads to the fact that the child "turns off", suppresses his emotional sphere and chooses psychological protection from the parent "self-care".
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child ceases to "hear", closes, and often simply forgets what was said to him, perceiving any words addressed to him as an attack. He has to repeat the same thing ten times in order for him to hear or give some feedback.
From the outside, this looks like indifference or disregard for the words of others. It is difficult to come to an understanding with such a person, because he never expresses his opinion, and more often this opinion simply does not exist.
What to do. Remember: the child is not to blame for the fact that your life does not go the way you want. Not getting what you want is your problem, not his fault. If you need to blow off steam, find more sustainable ways - scrub floors, rearrange furniture, go to the pool, step up physical activity.
Uncleaned toys, not washed dishes - this is not the reason for your breakdown, but only a reason, the reason is inside you. In the end, it is your responsibility to teach your child to clean up toys, wash dishes.
I have shown only the main errors, but there are many more.
The main condition for your child not to grow up infantile is to recognize him as an independent and free person, a manifestation of your trust and sincere love (not to be confused with adoration), support, not violence.
Mental infantilism is a fairly common phenomenon today, which is inherent in both men and women. The meaning of the word "infantile" is "immaturity".
Infantile can be called a person who, so to speak, is psychologically stuck in childhood or adolescence. He is immature or has an underdeveloped psyche. His behavior is dominated by the following points:
- Unwillingness to take responsibility.
- Lack of life goals.
- Inability to make the right decisions in a difficult situation.
- Unwillingness to change yourself or your own life.
Briefly about the main
Psychological infantilism involves the presence in adults of behavioral traits that are inherent in children.. According to psychologists, this disorder is one of the most common today. Moreover, it acts as a basis for other psychological problems.
Children born and raised in those years, one might say, were left to their own devices - in schools, the function of education was practically lost, and parents had to work hard to somehow survive in the years of crisis.
Human immaturity can be of several types:
- Psychological.
- Physiological.
- Social.
- Psychophysical infantilism.
The first type is due to the fact that the child's psychological processes develop more slowly than expected, but this has nothing to do with mental development disorders. Physiological infantilism is expressed in the form of impaired or retarded development of the organism.
It is most often caused by either intrauterine infections fetus, or oxygen starvation. Psychophysical infantilism is a complex of physiological and psychological lag.
signs
- Lack of independence.
- The desire to avoid problems.
- Lack of life goals and aspirations.
- unwillingness to develop.
- Inadequacy.
- Selfishness.
- Addiction propensity.
- Irresponsibility.
- Inability to communicate.
- Lack of social growth.
- Sedentary lifestyle, etc.
There is one more interesting sign infantile human behavior - excessive enthusiasm for games, gadgets, shopping, etc. It seems that this person did not finish playing in childhood, and therefore in adult life Infant lives "playfully", loves endless parties, entertainment.
Mental infantilism is also manifested in the absence of life goals. Immature people rarely strive for something, do not make plans for the future, try to avoid problems and difficult life tasks.
Causes and manifestations
To answer the question of how to get rid of infantilism, you must first determine the causes of this phenomenon. Most often they come from childhood. If the parents gave the child the opportunity to develop normally as individuals and did not invade his inner space too much, then he should form the right person. And if there is hyper-custody in the family, then the child is unlikely to be able to solve problems normally and adequately, look for ways out of situations and live a full life.
Has a place in life modern people and social infantilism. It manifests itself in the form of the fact that a person does not develop as a person, does not strive for career growth and earns little money. It is also noteworthy that infants have noticeable, bright outward signs. The face usually expresses contempt or disgust, the smile is most often ironic, and the corners of the lips are lowered down.
Psychological infantilism, as a rule, arises when adverse conditions education during adolescence. On the early stages it manifests itself in the form of tantrums, the desire to manipulate people, disobedience to parents, poor school performance.
Male and female
Both men and women can be prone to infantilism. Male infantilism, as experts say, is practically no different from female. This applies to both causes and manifestations. The only difference is that society usually has much more requirements for men than for the fair sex.
Female infantilism in society is condemned much less, they look at it, so to speak, through their fingers. Moreover, society sometimes encourages the somewhat immature behavior of young women. This is due to the fact that a man likes to be strong, courageous and caring for his lady, who, in turn, plays along with him, because she is pleased that she has her own “patron”, who ensures her existence and makes her life easier in many ways.
Psychophysical infantilism, according to psychologists, is a serious problem, despite the fact that many simple people they attribute its manifestations to a special way of life, a difference in views, etc. Experts say that the childhood of an adult is a big obstacle in life, because it does not allow self-improvement and development.
Psychology, describing infantilism as a phenomenon, contains information that infantilism is very clearly manifested in people's relationships. If an infant communicates with an emotionally mature person, then they cannot find common language between them there may be quarrels or even mutual irritation. But still, it is noteworthy that the infant usually reaches out to mature people in communication, because this person can to some extent take the position of a parent and give an emotionally immature person what she lacked in childhood.
Trying to get rid
The psychological literature contains information that any immature person is well aware of his problem, whether it be male infantilism or female. And every individual who has such a psychological deviation asks the question: how to deal with infantilism?
Despite the awareness of his lack and the problems that it brings to life, not a single infantile person will begin to get rid of immaturity on his own. Therefore, psychologists and close people should come to the rescue here. The sooner a problem is noticed, the sooner it can be resolved.
To do this, he needs to be given more independence, but you can’t overdo it either, because it may turn out that the child will be completely left to himself, and in this case a harmonious personality will not be formed accurately. Author: Elena Ragozina
Infantile personality disorder is a condition in which a person does not have emotional balance. At the same time, the influence of non-standard situations, stresses and other troubles on him causes a pronounced negative emotional reaction, which leads to a breakdown in the entire emotional sphere. The person cannot control their feelings of hostility, anxiety, or guilt. Behavioral tendencies characteristic of young children appear. Such people are prone to excessive resentment, negativity, self-will, and so on.
The patient may look no different from other people, but his behavior will give out problems with decision-making, responsibility for his behavior, lack of independence.
The person has childlike features. At first he does not want to, then he cannot make independent decisions, he is constantly looking for support for his decisions and opinions. He is not flexible in life: in difficult situations, he acts only according to the scenario laid down in his family, familiar from childhood. To change anything in a relationship in order to be different from the parental family, such a person also cannot, this will plunge him into stressful situation for the psyche. Such people will not necessarily be completely obedient. Among the infantiles there are also rebels who want to constantly refute parent rules, installation. But in the end, they always start from parental stereotypes, acting on them or contrary to them.
In adulthood, it is difficult for infantile people to build long term relationship. It is very difficult for women in general infantile man, men are easier with such women. But these relationships are not durable, because sooner or later, a partner healthy from infantilism will want adult relationships on an equal footing, which the second partner will not be able to give without behavior correction. There are many difficulties for such couples, which often both parties do not overcome: infantile people do not seek to take responsibility for complicated relationship, and the other side gets tired of pulling all the hardships of such a relationship.
Infantilism in recent times found in many children and adults. More and more teenagers, young people are growing up, not obeying any restrictions in behavior, not understanding how to do not what they want, but what they need. They do not take responsibility for their actions, they get used to the fact that someone else is responsible and decides for them. Patients control anxiety, fear, aggression very poorly. A diagnosis confirming this disorder can only be made after the age of 17, when puberty has passed, hormonal changes have ended.
Reasons for this disorder
There are many causes of infantilism, as with all personality disorders. It should be borne in mind that this is a kind of psychopathy, so the causes of the disorder can be social, physiological, psychological factors.
These factors are fundamental in the formation of infantile disorder. The emotional sphere becomes unstable in a person, and even minor stresses can lead to an aggravation of the disorder.
Treatment of this pathology
Treatment of infantile disorders is rather difficult in the first time after the manifestations of the pathology. This is due to the fact that initially the disorder is not perceived as a pathology of personality behavior. People around notice some oddities in behavior, but they associate this with the characterological features of the personality, referring, for example, to her laziness, slowness, frivolity, and others. Already in adulthood, it is possible to determine the disorder by specific manifestations, when the wrong attitudes of the individual's behavior are already deeply rooted.
Often this problem is considered in the plane psychological science, since the treatment does not require the use of medicines. Therefore, only psychotherapeutic methods and approaches are used. But in extreme, borderline conditions, the use of medicines is possible.
Medical treatment
Medications are not the main therapeutic option for infantile disorder. They are used with a pronounced exacerbation of the patient's condition, when some other personality disorder or depressive state is added to this disorder.
This condition is called mixed personality disorder in psychiatry. They occur quite rarely, and the symptoms of the phenomenon appear depending on the associated pathology. Also, medication treatment depends on the degree of development of the disorder. If emotional instability reaches an unacceptable level, it is possible to use herbal remedies with a sedative effect or other similar drugs. Commonly used are Valerian, Glycine or Gilicised, infusions of herbs that have a sedative effect.
If the disorder is accompanied by a depressive state, doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants that help a person restore metabolism and improve physical well-being. New generation antidepressants are designed to minimize the risk of developing side effects that lead to oppression nervous system human, toxic effects on the human liver and others.
The use of medications on their own is strictly prohibited, since only the attending physician determines the dosage and course of treatment.
Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy is the main method of treatment of this pathology. "Healing conversations" help a person to realize his infantile behavior, look at his actions from the outside, work out the wrong attitudes in life, replacing them with rational beliefs. Psychotherapy is carried out with the help of several directions in psychology. The most effective of them are cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, classical and Ericksonian hypnosis.
Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy
This type of psychological therapy combines several areas of psychology, therefore it is rightfully recognized as one of the most effective. Psychotherapists working in this direction pay attention to the patient's perception of the doctor, structuring the session and changing the cognitive and behavioral component of the personality.
Infantile personality always at the first meetings will shift the responsibility for his condition, behavior to the psychotherapist. Here, the professionalism of a specialist is necessary in order to show empathy and sympathy for the patient's condition, but also not to take responsibility for his actions.
Psychotherapists who use this direction to treat infantile disorder help a person to detect automatic thoughts charged with negativity, find connections between these thoughts and the patient's behavior, analyze these automatic thoughts with him in order to confirm or refute their validity. The psychotherapist helps to formulate these thoughts more realistically, which helps the patient to realize the fallacy of their statements. main goal psychologist should be the transformation of erroneous statements that lead to infantile disorder.
Of course, the educational situation in childhood and adolescence plays the main role in this phenomenon. It is imposed on the child that he is still small, it is too early to take responsibility for any business, since you can harm yourself or objects. A guardian adult does everything for him, which kills in him initiative, responsibility, diligence, courage. The situation is similar with excessive criticism. When children try to do something (the zone of proximal development according to Vygotsky - a child at certain moments is ready to develop psychologically and physically, learn something new and perform certain tasks), their slightest error is perceived as the gravest sin. Such a child grows up with the conviction that it is impossible to take on anything, since then there will be criticism, any initiative is necessarily punished, and so on.
Having identified such irrational beliefs, automatic negative thoughts, the psychotherapist teaches the patient the right actions.
Psychoanalysis
Psychoanalysis helps to work out grievances against significant adults, to identify triggered psychological defenses, in any undertaking or taking responsibility for the slightest task. The psychoanalyst devotes quite a lot of time to studying the psychological situation in childhood that led to the deviation in behavior.
Help is also provided in accepting yourself with your internal problems. The doctor, together with the patient, determines exactly what situations make him want to return to childhood, what exactly in adulthood leads to stereotypes of childish behavior, memories of childhood.
Important! If this method is used to treat an infantile disorder, the doctor must be highly qualified, otherwise (if there is little experience or little knowledge in this direction), the patient's condition can be significantly worsened. This personality disorder is closely related to the emotional sphere of a person, and classical psychoanalysis is not used in the treatment of emotional psychoses.
For treatment, methods of psychoanalysis are used to illuminate inner world patient, his feelings. You can actively use art therapy - a method based on psychoanalysis. Treatment lasts from 3 to 5 years.
Hypnosis
Freudian or Ericksonian hypnosis is used for treatment. In the first case, directive methods are used, in the second, softer methods of influencing the patient's psyche. Freudian hypnosis has recently become less popular, as the patient becomes completely dependent on the doctor's wishes, his opinions. This does not allow to completely neutralize the habitual forms of pathological behavior. Hypnosis is used in extreme situations when a person suffers from serious forms of the disease.
To get rid of this pathology, maximum efforts on the part of the patient and his environment will be required. For positive dynamics, it is necessary to introduce a daily routine, sports exercises, and try to communicate more. The development of self-control will help to overcome the symptoms of the disorder by setting yourself insignificant tasks at first, bringing them to the end and analyzing the effort, time and quality of the result.
Today we will analyze a completely ambiguous topic - infantilism. The term "infantility" comes from the word "infant".
From Wikipedia:
Infante, the female form of infanta (Spanish infante, port. infant, from Latin infans - child) is the title of all princes and princesses of the royal house in Spain and Portugal (before the liquidation of the Portuguese monarchy in 1910).
Infantilism (from lat. infantilis - children's) - immaturity in development, preservation in physical appearance or behavior of traits inherent in previous age stages.
In a figurative sense, infantilism (like childishness) is a manifestation of a naive approach in everyday life, in politics, in relationships, etc.
For a more complete picture, it should be noted that infantilism can be mental and psychological. And their main difference is not the external manifestation, but the causes of occurrence.
The external manifestations of mental and psychological infantilism are similar and they are expressed in the manifestation of childish traits in behavior, in thinking, in emotional reactions.
To understand the difference between mental and psychological infantilism, it is necessary to understand the causes of its occurrence.
Mental infantilism
It arises as a result of a lag and delay in the psyche of the child. In other words, there is a delay in the formation of personality, caused by a delay in development in the emotional and volitional spheres. The emotional-volitional sphere is the base on which the personality is built. Without such a base, a person, in principle, cannot grow up and remains an “eternal” child at any age.It should also be noted here that infantile children differ from mentally retarded or autistic children. Their mental sphere can be developed, they can have a high level of abstract-logical thinking, they can apply the acquired knowledge, be intellectually developed and independent.
Mental infantilism cannot be detected in early childhood, it can only be noticed when a child of school or adolescence begins to dominate play interests over learning.
In other words, the child's interest is limited only by games and fantasies, everything that goes beyond this world is not accepted, not explored and is perceived as something unpleasant, complex, alien imposed from the outside.
Behavior becomes primitive and predictable; from any disciplinary requirements, the child goes even more into the world of play and fantasy. Over time, this leads to problems of social adaptation.
As an example, a child can play for hours on a computer, sincerely not understanding why you need to brush your teeth, make your bed, go to school. Everything outside the game is alien, unnecessary, incomprehensible.
It should be noted that the infantilism of a person born normal may be the fault of the parents. A frivolous attitude towards a child in childhood, a ban on making independent decisions for a teenager, a constant restriction of his freedom just leads to the underdevelopment of the emotional-volitional sphere.
Psychological infantilism
With psychological infantilism, the child has a healthy, without delay, psyche. He may well correspond to his development by age, but in practice this does not happen, because for a number of reasons he chooses the role of a child in behavior.In general, the main difference between mental infantilism and psychological infantilism can be expressed as follows:
Mental infantilism: I can't even if I want to.
Psychological infantilism: I don't want to, even if I can.
The general theory is understandable. Now more specifically.
How does infantilism appear?
According to psychologists, infantilism is not an innate quality, but acquired through upbringing. So what do parents and educators do that a child grows up infantile?Again, according to psychologists, infantilism develops in the period from 8 to 12 years. Let's not argue, but just observe how it happens.
Between the ages of 8 and 12, a child can already take responsibility for their actions. But in order for a child to start doing independent things, he needs to be trusted. This is where the main “evil” lies, which leads to infantilism.
Here are some examples of childish upbringing:
- “Are you unable to write an essay? I will help, I used to write essays well, ”says my mother.
- "I know better what's right!"
- "If you listen to your mom, you'll be fine."
- "What opinion can you have!"
- "I said so be it!"
- “Your hands are growing out of the wrong place!”
- “Yes, you always have everything like not people.”
- "Go away, I'll do it myself."
- “Well, of course, whatever he does not undertake, he will break everything!”
Over the years, the child may believe that his parents are right, that he is a failure, that he cannot do anything right, and that others can do it much better. And if there is still a suppression of feelings and emotions, the child will never get to know them and then his emotional sphere will not be developed.
- "You're still going to cry to me here!"
- “What are you yelling at? Painfully? You have to be patient."
- "Boys never cry!"
- "What are you yelling like crazy."
By and large, parents unconsciously suppress both will and feelings in the child.
This is one of the options. But there are others. For example, when a mother is raising a son (or daughter) alone. She begins to patronize the child more than he needs. She wants him to grow up to be some very famous, to prove to the whole world what a talent he is, so that his mother can be good for them.
Key word - mother could be proud. In this case, you don’t even think about the child, the main thing is to satisfy your ambitions. Such a mother will be happy to find for her child the occupation that he will like, put all her strength and money into it, and take on all the difficulties that may arise during such a hobby.
So talented, but not adapted children grow up. Well, if then there is a woman who wants to serve this talent. And if not? And if it still turns out that there is essentially no talent. Guess what awaits such a child in life? And my mother will grieve: “Well, why is he like that! I've done so much for him!" Yes, not for him, but FOR HIM, that's why he is like that.
Another example is when parents do not have a soul in their child. Since childhood, he only hears how wonderful he is, how talented, how smart, and everything like that. The self-conceit of the child becomes so high that he is sure that he deserves more just like that and will not make any effort to achieve this more.
His parents will do everything for him and will watch with admiration how he breaks toys (he is so inquisitive), how he offends children in the yard (he is so strong), etc. And when faced with real difficulties in life, he will deflate like a bubble.
Another very striking example of the birth of infantilism is the stormy divorce of parents, when the child feels unwanted. Parents find out the relationship between themselves, and the hostage of these relationships is the child.
All the strength and energy of the parents is directed to “annoying” the other side. The child does not understand what is really happening and often begins to take responsibility for himself - dad left because of me, I was a bad son (daughter).
This burden becomes exorbitant and the emotional sphere is suppressed when the child does not understand what is happening to him, and there is no adult nearby who would help him understand himself and what is happening. The child begins to "withdraw into himself", close up and live in his own world, where he is comfortable and well. The real world is presented as something frightening, evil and unacceptable.
I think that you yourself can give many such examples, and maybe even recognize yourself or your parents in some ways. Any result of upbringing that leads to the suppression of the emotional-volitional sphere leads to infantilism.
Just do not rush to blame your parents for everything. It is very convenient and it is also one of the forms of manifestation of infantilism. Better look what you are doing with your children now.
You see, in order to educate a person, you yourself need to be a person. And in order for a conscious child to grow nearby, the parents must also be conscious. But is it really so?
Are you dumping anger on your children for your unresolved issues (emotional suppression)? Are you trying to impose your vision of life on children (suppression of the volitional sphere)?
We unconsciously make the same mistakes that our parents made, and if we are not aware of them, then our children will make the same mistakes in raising their children. Alas, it is.
Once again for understanding:
Mental infantilism is an undeveloped emotional-volitional sphere;
Psychological infantilism is a suppressed emotional-volitional sphere.
How does infantilism manifest itself?
Manifestations of mental and psychological infantilism are practically the same. Their difference is that with mental infantilism a person cannot consciously and independently change his behavior, even if he has a motive.And with psychological infantilism, a person can change his behavior when a motive appears, but most often he does not change it out of a desire to leave everything as it is.
Let's look at specific examples of the manifestation of infantilism.
A person has achieved success in science or in art, but in everyday life it turns out to be completely unadapted. In his activities, he feels like an adult and competent, but an absolute child in everyday life and in relationships. And he tries to find someone who will take over the area of life in which you can remain a child.
Adult sons and daughters continue to live with their parents and do not create families of their own. With parents, everything is familiar and familiar, you can remain an eternal child, for whom all domestic problems will be solved.
To create your own family is to take responsibility for your life and face certain difficulties.
Suppose that it becomes unbearable to live with your parents, they also begin to demand something. If another person appears in a person’s life, on whom responsibility can be shifted, then he will leave his parental home and continue to lead the same lifestyle as with his parents - not to take on anything and not to answer for anything.
Only infantilism can push a man or woman to leave his family, to neglect his obligations in order to try to regain his bygone youth.
Constant change of work due to unwillingness to make efforts or gaining mythical experience.
The search for a "savior" or "magic pill" is also a sign of infantilism.
The main criterion can be called the inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for their lives, not to mention the lives of loved ones. And as they wrote in the comments: “The worst thing is to be with a person and know that you cannot rely on him at a critical moment! Such people create families, give birth to children and shift the responsibility to other shoulders!”
What does infantilism look like?
It is not always possible to determine at a glance whether a person is infantile in front of you or not. Infantilism will begin to manifest itself in interaction, and especially at critical moments in life, when a person, as it were, slows down, does not make any decision and waits for someone to take responsibility for him.Infantile people can be compared to eternal children who do not particularly care about anything. Moreover, they are not only not interested in other people, but they do not want to take care of themselves (psychological infantilism) or cannot (mentally) take care of themselves.
If we talk about male infantilism, then this is definitely the behavior of a child who needs not a woman, but a mother who takes care of him. So many women fall for this bait, and then they begin to resent: “Why do I have to do it all the time? And earn money, and maintain a house, and take care of children, and build relationships. Is there a man around at all?
The question immediately arises: “A man? And who did you marry? Who was the initiator of acquaintance, meetings? Who decided how and where to spend a joint evening? Who kept thinking about where to go and what to do?” These questions are endless.
If from the very beginning you took everything upon yourself, invented and did everything yourself, and the man just obediently performed, then did you marry an ADULT MAN? It seems to me that you were married to a CHILD. Only you were so in love that you didn’t notice it right away.
What to do
This is the most important question that comes up. Let's look at it first regarding the child, if you are parents. Then about an adult who continues to be a child in life. And the last thing, if you saw in yourself the features of infantilism and decided to change something in yourself, but you don’t know how.1. What to do if you have an infantile child.
Let's think together - what do you want to get as a result of raising a child, what are you doing and what needs to be done to get the desired result?
The task of each parent is to adapt the child as much as possible to an independent life without parents and teach him to live in interaction with other people so that he can create his own happy family.
There are several mistakes, as a result of which infantilism develops. Here is some of them.
Mistake 1. Sacrifice
This mistake manifests itself when parents begin to live for their children, trying to give the child the best, so that he has everything, so that he is dressed no worse than others, so that he studies at the institute, while denying himself everything.Your own life seems to become unimportant compared to the life of a child. Parents can work several jobs, be malnourished, lack sleep, not take care of themselves and their health, if only the child is doing well, if only he learns and grows up as a person. Most often, single parents do this.
At first glance, it seems that parents put their whole soul into the child, but the result is deplorable, the child grows up unable to appreciate his parents and the care they gave.
What is really happening. A child from an early age gets used to the fact that parents live and work only for the sake of his well-being. He gets used to getting everything ready. The question arises, if a person is used to getting everything ready, will he, then himself, be able to do something for himself or will he wait for someone to do it for him?
And at the same time, not just wait, but demand with your behavior that you must, because there is no experience to do something on your own, and it was the parents who did not give this experience, because everything has always been for him and only for his sake. He seriously does not understand why it should be different and how it is even possible.
And the child does not understand why and for what he should be grateful to his parents, if it should have been so. Sacrificing yourself is like ruining your life and the life of a child.
What to do. You need to start with yourself, learn to value yourself and your life. If parents do not value their own life, the child will take it for granted and will also not value the life of their parents, and, consequently, the lives of other people. For him, life for his sake will become the rule in relationships, he will use others and consider this absolutely normal behavior, because he was taught that way, he simply does not know how to do otherwise.
Think about it, is it interesting for a child to be with you if you have nothing to give besides caring for him? If nothing happens in your life that could attract a child to share your interests, to feel like a member of a community - a family?
And then is it any wonder if the child finds entertainment on the side, such as drinking, drugs, thoughtless festivities, etc., because he is used to only getting what he is given. And how can he be proud of you and respect you if you are nothing of yourself, if all your interests are only around him?
Mistake 2. “I will part the clouds with my hands” or I will solve all the problems for you
This mistake manifests itself in pity when parents decide that there are still enough problems for the life of the child, and let him remain a child at least with them. And in the end, an eternal child. Pity can be caused by distrust that the child can take care of himself in some way. And distrust, again, arises from the fact that the child has not been taught to take care of himself on his own.What it looks like:
- "You're tired, rest, I'll finish it."
- “You still have time to work out! Let me do it for you."
- “You still have to do your homework, okay, go, I’ll wash the dishes myself.”
- “We need to agree with Marivanna so that she tells whoever needs you to go to study without any problems”
By and large, parents begin to feel sorry for their child, he is tired, he has a big load, he is small, he does not know life. And the fact that the parents themselves do not rest and their workload is no less, and not everyone themselves once knew, for some reason is forgotten about this.
All household work, the arrangement in life, falls on the shoulders of the parents. “This is my child, if I don’t take pity on him, if I don’t do something for him (read: for him), who else will take care of him? And after some time, when the child gets used to the fact that everything will be done for him, the parents are surprised why the child is not adapted to anything and they have to do everything themselves. But for him, this is the norm.
What does it lead to. A child, if it is a boy, will look for the same wife, behind whose back you can warmly settle down and hide from life's hardships. She will feed, wash and earn money, it is warm and reliable with her.
If the child is a girl, then she will look for a man who will play the role of a dad, who will solve all problems for her, support her and not burden her with anything.
What to do. First, pay attention to what your child is doing, what household duties he performs. If not any, then first of all it is necessary that the child has his own responsibilities.
It is not so difficult to teach a child to take out the garbage, wash the dishes, clean up toys and things, keep his room in order. But duties must not just be imputed, but taught how and what to do and explain why. In no case should such a phrase sound: “The main thing is that you study well, this is your duty, and I will do everything around the house myself.”
He must be held accountable for his duties. The child is tired, not tired, it doesn't matter, after all, you can rest and fulfill your duties, this is his responsibility. Don't you do that yourself? Is someone doing something for you? Your task is to learn not to regret and not to do the work for him, if you want him not to grow up infantile. It is pity and distrust that a child can do something well himself and does not make it possible to educate the volitional sphere.
Mistake 3. Excessive love, expressed in constant admiration, tenderness, elevation above the rest and permissiveness
What can this lead to. To the fact that he will never learn to love (and therefore give), including his parents. At first glance, it will seem that he knows how to love, but all his love, it is conditional and only in response, and with any remark, doubt about his “genius” or lack of admiration, it will “disappear”.As a result of such upbringing, the child is sure that the whole world should admire and indulge him. And if this does not happen, then everyone around is bad, incapable of love. Although it is he who is incapable of love, he has not been taught this.
As a result, he will choose a protective phrase: “I am who I am and accept me as I am, I don’t like it, I don’t hold it.” He will accept the love of others calmly, for granted, and, having no response inside, will hurt those who love him, including his parents.
Often this is perceived as a manifestation of selfishness, but the problem is much deeper, such a child does not have a developed emotional sphere. He simply has nothing to love. Being in the center of attention all the time, he did not learn to trust his feelings and the child did not develop a sincere interest in other people.
Another option is when parents “protect” their child who has knocked on the threshold in this way: “Oh, what a threshold is not good, offended our boy!”. From childhood, the child is inspired that everyone around is to blame for his troubles.
What to do. Again, it is necessary to start with parents, who also need to grow up and stop seeing their child as a toy, an object of adoration. A child is an independent autonomous person who, for development, needs to be in a real world, not a world invented by his parents.
The child must see and experience the whole gamut of feelings and emotions without running away or suppressing them. And the task of parents is to learn how to adequately respond to the manifestation of emotions, not to prohibit, not to calm unnecessarily, but to sort out all the situations that caused negative emotions.
It is not at all necessary that someone else is “bad” and therefore your child is crying, look at the situation as a whole, what your child did wrong, teach him not to dwell on himself, but to go towards people himself, showing sincere interest in them and find ways out of difficult situations without blaming others and yourself. But for this, as I already wrote, parents themselves need to grow up.
Mistake 4. Clear attitudes and rules
It is very convenient for most parents when an obedient child grows nearby, clearly following the instructions “do this”, “do not do that”, “do not be friends with this boy”, “in this case, do this”, etc.They believe that all education lies in command and subordination. But they don’t think at all that they deprive the child of the ability to think independently and take responsibility for their actions.
As a result, they raise a soulless and thoughtless robot that needs clear instructions. And then they themselves suffer from the fact that if they didn’t say something, then the child didn’t do it. Here, not only the volitional, but also the emotional sphere is suppressed, because the child does not need to notice the emotional states of both his own and other people, and it becomes the norm for him to act only according to instructions. The child lives in constant obsession with actions and complete emotional neglect.
What does this lead to? A person does not learn to think and becomes unable to think on his own, he constantly needs someone who will give him clear instructions on what, how and when to do it, he will always be to blame for others, those who did not “correct” his behavior, did not say what to do and how to act.
Such people will never take the initiative, and will always wait for clear and specific instructions. They will not be able to solve any complex problems.
What to do in such cases? Learn to trust the child, let him do something wrong, you just analyze the situation later and find the right solution together, together, and not for him. Talk more with the child, ask him to express his opinion, do not ridicule if you do not like his opinion.
And most importantly, do not criticize, but analyze the situation, what was done wrong and how it could have been done differently, constantly being interested in the opinion of the child. In other words, the child must be taught to think and reflect.
Mistake 5. “I myself know what the child needs”
This error is a variation of the fourth error. And it lies in the fact that parents do not listen to the true desires of the child. The desires of the child are perceived as momentary whims, but this is not quite the same thing.Whims are fleeting desires, and true desires are what a child dreams of. The purpose of such behavior of parents is the realization by the child of what the parents themselves could not realize (as options - family traditions, fictional images of the unborn child). By and large, they make a “second self” out of a child.
Once, in childhood, such parents dreamed of becoming musicians, famous athletes, great mathematicians, and now they are trying to realize their childhood dreams through a child. As a result, the child cannot find a favorite activity for himself, and if he does, then the parents take it with hostility: “I know better what you need, so you will do what I tell you.”
What does it lead to. To the fact that the child will never have a goal at all, he will never learn to understand his desires, and will always be dependent on the desires of others and is unlikely to achieve any success in realizing the desires of his parents. He will always feel out of place.
What to do. Learn to listen to the desires of the child, be interested in what he dreams of, what attracts him, teach him to express his desires out loud. Observe what attracts your child, what he enjoys doing. Never compare your child to others.
Remember, the desire that your child will become a musician, artist, famous athlete, mathematician - these are your desires, not the child's. Trying to instill your desires in a child, you will make him deeply unhappy or achieve the opposite result.
Mistake 6. "Boys don't cry"
The inability of the parents themselves to express their emotions leads to the fact that the emotions of the child begin to suppress. There is a ban on strong experiences of positive and negative emotions corresponding to the real situation, since the parents themselves do not know how to react to them.And if you don’t know something, then often the choice is made towards leaving or banning. As a result, by forbidding a child to express his emotions, parents, by and large, forbid the child to feel, and ultimately - to live life to the fullest.
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child cannot understand himself, and he needs a "guide" who will explain to him what he feels. He will trust this person and completely depend on his opinion. Hence conflicts arise between the mother and the wife of a man.
The mother will say one thing, and the wife another, and each will prove that exactly what she says, the man feels. As a result, the man simply steps aside, giving women the opportunity to "deal" with each other.
What is really happening to him, he does not know and will follow the decision of the one that will win this war. As a result, he will always live someone else's life, but not his own, and when he does not get to know himself.
What to do. Let your child cry, laugh, express himself emotionally, do not rush to calm down in this way: “Well, okay, everything will work out”, “boys don’t cry”, etc. When a child is in pain, do not hide from his feelings, make it clear that you would also be hurt in a similar situation, and you understand him.
Show empathy, let the child get acquainted with the whole gamut of feelings without suppression. If he is happy about something, rejoice with him, if he is sad, listen to what worries him. Show interest in the child's inner life.
Mistake 7. Transferring your emotional state to the child
Often, parents transfer their disorder and dissatisfaction with life to the child. This is expressed in constant nit-picking, raising the voice, and sometimes simply in a breakdown on the child.The child becomes a hostage to the parent's dissatisfaction and is unable to resist it. This leads to the fact that the child “turns off”, suppresses his emotional sphere and chooses psychological protection from the parent “withdrawal”.
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child ceases to "hear", closes, and often simply forgets what was said to him, perceiving any words addressed to him as an attack. He has to repeat the same thing ten times in order for him to hear or give some kind of feedback.
From the outside, this looks like indifference or disregard for the words of others. It is difficult to come to an understanding with such a person, because he never expresses his opinion, and more often this opinion simply does not exist.
What to do. Remember: the child is not to blame for the fact that your life does not go the way you want. Not getting what you want is your problem, not his fault. If you need to blow off steam, find more environmentally friendly ways - scrub floors, rearrange furniture, go to the pool, increase physical activity.
Uncleaned toys, not washed dishes - this is not the reason for your breakdown, but only a reason, the reason is inside you. In the end, it is your responsibility to teach your child to clean up toys, wash dishes.
I have shown only the main errors, but there are many more.
The main condition for your child not to grow up infantile is to recognize him as an independent and free person, a manifestation of your trust and sincere love (not to be confused with adoration), support, not violence.
An infantile person is, relatively speaking, such a person who "grew up, but did not mature." Infantilism can manifest itself in different ways. The fact that a person is not able to take responsibility for their decisions and actions. The fact that a person cannot make decisions at all, but asks all the time for advice from others. The fact that a person is not able to live autonomously comfortably without relying on another. A common example is overage children living at the expense of their parents.
Actions (or their absence, when they are needed) can also be infantile. A fairly common occurrence is to get a scolding from the boss, not to dare to answer him, and at home to yell at the children. Agree with someone "so as not to spoil the relationship", and then sabotage the decision about which the agreement was reached. Avoid unpleasant clarifications and conversations. Blame someone for something you can't do. Playing helpless so that people will guess what you need instead of doing it yourself or asking. Regularly "forget" at home something you need and force others to supply you with it. And many more examples could be given.
There is important nuance. If a person does all of the above consciously, this is no longer an infantile person, but a manipulator. An infantile person does not realize that he is infantile.
And one more nuance. Even the most mature and responsible person can "regress" into infantilism for a while. Being conscious and responsible all the time is not so easy, and allowing yourself to be infantile (within "decent" limits) sometimes means allowing yourself to take a break.
An infantile person, most likely, will not do what he does not want to do. Therefore, he sees problems, but will try to avoid solving those that seem too difficult to him. He is unwilling to make decisions for fear of responsibility.
talking scientific language, mental infantilism - the immaturity of a person, expressed in a delay in the formation of a personality, in which a person's behavior does not meet the age requirements for him. The lag is mainly manifested in the development of the emotional-volitional sphere and the preservation of childish personality traits.
An infantile person is a person whose behavior has retained pronounced childish features, such as:
Egocentrism
The quality of personality, when a person sees, hears and feels only himself. When he is not able to understand and feel the state of another person. For small child this is natural, since the main thing for the baby is the satisfaction of HIS OWN needs for love, security, acceptance, warmth. An egocentric person has absolute confidence in his own rightness. If there are problems in relationships, then he will never admit that he does not understand people. That he may not understand something at all. He always thinks it's people who don't understand HIM.
Dependency
Dependency in this case should be understood not as life at the expense of another (although this is also not excluded), but the inability or complete unwillingness to serve oneself. To a greater extent, this is inherent in men who categorically refuse to serve themselves (wash, iron, cook, even just heat cooked food) or do anything around the house. Just as small children cannot take care of themselves, so an infantile person, without doing anything around the house, demands to be served. In such a situation, the wife begins to act as a mother or older sister. The main argument that such men give is “I bring money into the house.” But, firstly, most women in our time also work and bring money into the house. And secondly, you need to clearly understand that at home and at work a person plays different social roles. Often an infantile person, even if he is a responsible worker at work, crossing the threshold of the house, instantly becomes a little boy.
Game orientation
An infantile person prefers entertainment over other activities. Good, modern civilization provides a variety of entertainment options that enable the child and infantile adult to avoid boredom. Entertainment is different for everyone. These are endless gatherings with friends and girlfriends both at home and in bars, cinema, discos, shopping, the Internet, the purchase of "adult toys" (for men, I play this role most often technical innovations). None of the above is bad. After all, mature people can do all this too. However, for infantile people, entertainment takes most(if not all) free time from work. By the way, often an infantile person is the soul of the company, a merry joker, it is good to have fun with him, he disposes to himself. But as soon as the celebration of life ends, it becomes nondescript, goes out and disappears until a new entertainment.
Infantile person.
I don't know
Whether I am infantile or not.
Maybe even the very fact that
That I can't decide
Gives me the right to be who I am.
A responsibility.
Strange word.
Awakening goosebumps.
On the one hand, it can even be annoying.
Does this mean that if other people experience the same thing, then the individuals who take on a ton of responsibility are a kind of masochists.
Hmm...
And if I admit my infantilism,
Will I be considered infantile or not?
Or is it another form of this very specific "ailment"?
Is it a disease at all?
And why are so many irritated data "sick"?
The main problems that stand out in "patients" are selfishness and denial of responsibility.
Weird.
Personally for me,
These are two very disparate terms. After all, egoists are a kind of manipulators who use themselves to control their environment in order to achieve their goals (well, or simply to maintain a state of stagnation). And already in this case, a person cannot be called a "lying stone." Although, perhaps he is. It's just that this "stone" is raised by the people around him.
Conclusion:
I am completely confused.