If the guy offered to remain friends after the relationship. If an ex-boyfriend offered to be friends

Having heard a terrible phrase from a man, let's remain friends, do not rush to get upset and look for flaws in yourself. Try to figure out on your own why the beloved behaved this way, and whether there is a chance of returning him.

In very, very rare cases, the status of "just friends" can be the beginning of a romantic relationship. Such a development of events is possible when he is drawn to you, but he is simply not ready for a sudden romance. This happens when people who just got out of a negative romance are not in the mood to start a new relationship.

What does the phrase "Let's be friends" mean?

In any case, the phrase "Let's remain friends" means that in general you are a good person, but not so interesting as to move further in the same direction with you. Or he seems to love, but wants to keep the relationship at a distance. Basically these have ex girlfriend, which is gone in the past, but he still hopes for a reunion.

The phrase "let's be friends" often needs to be understood as: "You are valuable to me, but only as a backup option."

Therefore, such an offer should be rejected. Never waste your precious time on a person who is trying to put you on the bench.

Why should you answer with a firm "No" to his offer to remain friends?

We women are more mobile, and above all, we appreciate the care and personal qualities. At least that's how it should be. But men need first Nice picture and then rich inner world, status, intelligence, the presence of talent and other stray.

When you hear the insulting phrase “let's be friends” addressed to you, do not try to prove with all your might that you can live up to his ideal. After all, it is not known what image is drawn in the head of a man. This frame just seeks to find a girl without whom life will lose all meaning, and this is a normal phenomenon. Just thank him for being honest and not wasting your time, and you can now move on.

After all, many guys still continue the relationship without trying to transfer the status to just friends, but at this moment they are looking on the side the best option and then leave without explanation.

And the worst mistake is that a woman is afraid to be alone and begins to speculate with intimacy, trying to bind her beloved child. But later certain time and this glue does not help. So there is a huge number of mothers raising their children without a father.

Why did the man say "let's be friends"?

• It often happens that the desire for freedom overrides the determination to get involved headlong into love story. If the chosen one offered to wait, do not settle for just friendship, but pretend that you have completely forgotten about his existence.
• You merge with the general gray mass of other female representatives. In this case, the offer to remain friends is based only on a feeling of pity or indecision to end the relationship, which will lead nowhere.
• MCH could suffer from previous failed love ties. As a consequence, negative experiences require a more meaningful approach to the new connection.
• You weren't that good.
• Girls most often overly care about their beloved, completely forgetting about themselves. But love for one's own person presupposes constant care for one's own appearance, and also provokes the desire to be realized in a professional or creative way.
• You probably often roll up scenes of jealousy and simply demonstrate your distrust.

Cynically inclined people believe that such relationships exist, but only between two women or men. However, there is no friendship between a man and a woman. They believe that a woman is necessary for a man only for certain purposes, for example, in order to maintain order in the house, wash and clean. A woman can act as a lover or wife, but not as a friend. Ladies simply do not understand for what purposes and why a man needs a woman friend at all.

Friendship between a man and a woman

A man who wants to see a friend in a woman pursues another goal. It is very important for him what ladies think about men in general and about specific specimens separately. It is important for the representative of the stronger sex to know what and how a woman will do in some specific cases. It turns out that thanks to such friendly relations, the guy eventually acquires invaluable knowledge, which later helps him build relationships with the opposite sex.

Relationship psychology

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24.02.14 15:45

Is there friendship between a man and a woman? On that eternal question never came up with a definitive answer. But what if the man himself offers friendship, only he does it instead of continuing the romantic relationship?

Do you love him?

First, you need to answer yourself the question: do you like this man? Do you love him or not? At first glance, these questions have nothing to do with main problem However, answering truthfully will help you understand your own feelings.

If you for a long time know this man, and have not yet decided for yourself whether you like him or not, and besides, he also offers the continuation of friendship, then why not agree. There is nothing wrong. Even if you remain friends, and not partners in love, then so be it.

Another thing is if you managed to fall in love with a man. If a guy offers to just be friends, this may mean that he is not interested in you as a girl. In this case, it will be very painful for you to be his friend, watching him meet other girls, kiss your girlfriends, etc.

Why does a man offer friendship

You should also understand the true reasons why a man offers friendship instead of a relationship. There are many options, the most common are:

• he has another girlfriend whom he is not yet ready to leave;
• he likes you, but he is not yet ready to take responsibility for the family, which will soon form if you continue to build romantic relationships;
• a man likes to communicate with you, have fun, but as a girl you are indifferent to him;
• the guy cannot understand himself, so he temporarily offers to leave friendships;
• he turned out to be gay. For a girl, this can be a very interesting discovery, but such cases do occur.

Based on the true reason for such an act on the part of a man, we can talk about what should be done and what should be avoided.

• Get over it and keep looking for your soul mate.
• You should not reproach yourself for the fact that a man did not like you, constantly oppress and humiliate yourself. You beautiful girl with its advantages and disadvantages. Just forget that you ever dreamed of being in wedding dress next to this guy. Start looking for another partner who will be worthy of you.
• The man who offered friendship, if he really loves you, will definitely return to you and offer you a serious, romantic relationship. In the meantime, do not fill your head with unnecessary thoughts and desires about this.

It is noteworthy that when girls offer friendship instead of serious relationship, often this means the following - "I am ready to make friends with you, take a closer look at you, and maybe we will meet." At the same time, the male phrase “Let's remain friends” often means that he does not want to continue the relationship, and they are unlikely to ever develop into a romantic one. Remember that how you behave in this situation depends on your mood, spiritual and physical state, and even your future fate.

A few years ago, I wrote an article called "", which addressed the question of the appropriateness of such a friendship, but regardless of the desire to return the guy. That is, it was assumed that the return is not your goal. Over the time that has passed since that publication, in the comments to my articles they very often ask: “What should I do if the former, after the breakup, offered to “remain friends”? Is it worth it to agree to a new format of relations in the form of "friendship"? Will such a “friendship” with an ex help him get him back? Today I will try to answer these questions.

Should you accept your ex-boyfriend's offer to "stay friends"?

It is hardly possible to find any other factor that would have more Negative influence on a chance than to "stay friends". Nothing will slow down the process of rebuilding a relationship more.

You probably think that putting the relationship into a "friendship" state will help you get closer to the guy, but in fact, you will move even further away from him. The longer the “friendship” lasts, the deeper you become fixed in the role of a friend and the less likely it is that the guy will see you again not as a platonic, but as a romantic partner.

In addition, it is worth noting that this "friendship" will not bring you joy. Imagine, for example, as your ex-boyfriend starts dating another girl, and you have to sit back and watch, because you are a friend. Moreover, at the same time, you will need to portray “happiness”, because you are a friend. Now imagine how a guy walks with this girl “by the hand” where you walked with him and how he leads her to “your places”. Now try to imagine him calling you the next day to talk about it, get your opinion and ask for advice.

Think, how can you be so "friends"? - Of course not! If you still love him, you will not be able to deceive yourself and pretend that no love exists. The passive role of a friend will lead you only to the most severe jealousy, bitterness, and ultimately to anger and resentment.

Biggest misconception about being "friends" with an ex

When a guy after a breakup says, “Let’s be friends,” “I don’t want to lose touch with you,” “we’ll still be in touch,” or something like that, it’s very easy to make a mistake and agree with it. The reason for this error is simple: you don't want to "lose it completely." But the “ultimate loss” that most girls talk about is nothing more than an illusion and self-deception. For you, there is not and cannot be any “non-permanent” loss. Romantic relationships are either there or they are not, there is no third way. After all, you need a romantic relationship, and not any. But for the guy who left you, there is just an inconclusive loss, because friendship with you completely suits him, and only having lost this friendship, he will lose you completely.

It seems to you that "staying friends" with your ex, you do not lose contact with him. You can, as before, call or write to him, talk to him, see him or even hang out somewhere together. Do you think that over time, an insight will suddenly descend on him, he will understand that he loves you, after which the relationship will be restored most naturally. At first glance, a simple, understandable and easy strategy. However, the reality is that it almost never works. If you become friends with an ex-boyfriend, this does not increase the chances of his return, but on the contrary, it reduces them, making a return extremely unlikely.

Why? - After all, the guy has everything he had at the time you were in a relationship, but at the same time he is free from any obligations to you. And if you also take into account that in many cases "friendship" with the former also includes "friendly" sex, then the guy is generally completely satisfied with everything.

Let's look at the situation from your ex-boyfriend's point of view:

He gets the opportunity to freely communicate with you when he needs;
he can see you when he pleases or when he misses you;
he can have fun with you free time and even offer joint trips, vacations, trips, parties, picnics (and you will not refuse, you will not risk it);
he is not obliged to call you, write, entertain, pay attention, listen, etc., because he is not your boyfriend, but just a friend;
he can quite easily date other girls without risking losing you;
he also gets the opportunity to maintain an intimate relationship with you.

Name at least one reason why a guy, having all this, will want to restore a relationship with you. Seriously, think about it. Your ex-boyfriend has no incentive to return to you. Having got you as a friend, he has everything he could have in a relationship.

The ex-boyfriend gets the maximum benefit for himself from “friendship” with you - you love him, take care of him, try to please, in the hope that he will return, and the guy is only “friends” with you. In fact, the ex-boyfriend exploits your feelings by giving false hope that makes you be a very good, perfect friend to him against all odds. You cannot be offended, respond to rudeness or neglect, because if you break loose, then your hope is over. It seems to you that then you will “lose him completely”, and the guy takes advantage of your tension and fear even unconsciously (and sometimes consciously).

Highly unpleasant situation, is not it? - But the worst thing is that you yourself are to blame for this if you agreed to "remain friends" even after the guy left you. Do not entertain yourself with illusions. Offering friendship, the guy is not guided solely by crystal clear thoughts. Think if you're not good enough for him to be his girlfriend, then why are you good enough to be his friend? Doesn't this seem strange? By agreeing to be a friend, you are agreeing to a lowering of your status, which is humiliating.

Imagine if your best friend announced that she would no longer consider you hers. best friend, but only as a friend, but at the same time insists on continuing to communicate, spending time together and on mutual assistance: “I want you to continue to treat me like your best friend, but you will no longer be my best friend.” Humiliating? - Yes! Would that suit you? Would you agree to this? - Not! And why then do you need to agree to even greater humiliation in front of an ex-boyfriend? Even if you are very much to blame for him, then this is only a reason for apologies, for working on yourself, but not a reason for humiliation and loss of your own dignity.

What to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be "friends"

The solution to this problem is actually very simple and obvious: you should tell him no. Just like that and say: "Thanks, but no." You love him too much to allow yourself to be content with only the status of a friend, to pretend that it suits you and not dare to show your true feelings. Therefore, either love or nothing. Maybe someday in the future you will be able to become his friend, but not now and not in the near future. Just wish the guy all the best and say goodbye to him.

If you can do just that, the guy will naturally not be pleased, because this is not at all what he expected. Breaking up a relationship is an unpleasant thing not only for the one who is being thrown, but also for the one who is leaving. Of course it is different levels"troubles", but at the same time - these are troubles and experiences for both parties. In such conditions, the guy wants to provide himself with freedom of maneuver, but at the same time he deprives you of this freedom.

He became uncomfortable with you (because of which he broke off relations), but he still does not know how he will be without you. So he strives to make the transition from the state “with you” to the state “without you” as painless as possible for himself. The guy, as it were, puts his foot into the door so that you do not close it, on the other hand, he leans on the same door so that you do not open it, and the resulting gap, the width of which, by the way, is under his full control calls it "friendship". Thus, he does not need to make a choice - to be with you or without you, since you, as it were, remain with him. He has nothing to lose and nothing to risk.

It is worth noting that this guy's behavior is not malice for the purpose of causing you pain. In such situations, most people act in this way. If there is an opportunity not to make a choice and not expose oneself to the risk of later regretting his decision, a person will use this opportunity for as long as he is allowed to.

Indeed, it is one thing to look for new clothes while the old one remains with you, but it is quite another when, before buying a new one, the old one must be given away. This is a completely different level of responsibility for your decision, there are risks, right?

By denying a guy “friendship” after a breakup, you deprive him of his freedom of maneuver and force him to make a choice that he avoids in every possible way, because as a result of this choice he really risks losing you “finally”.

Turning down the “stay friends” offer is a very powerful move that makes a guy think hard about the correctness of his decision. Indeed, in this case, you also get freedom of maneuver, exactly the same as he does. Therefore, you can live your life, date other guys, have fun without your ex-boyfriend and he won't even know who, when or where. Does this prospect please him? - Of course not!

In many cases, having received a refusal in “friendship” from the girl he left, the guy can really understand after a relatively short time that he was in a hurry to break off the relationship and is not ready for his girlfriend to go to another. This may push the guy to the idea that it might be worth rebuilding the relationship, but just before that, it’s better to work on mutual understanding.

In fact, the guys are not at all as cruel as they seem from their actions and are not as difficult to understand as they seem. Therefore, know that when a guy says: “It's all over between us,” and his decision is final, irrevocable, and he will never return to you under any circumstances, then in fact there - inside him, everything is not so simple. And if he offers you “friendship” after a breakup, then it is even more ambiguous.

Why you shouldn't pay attention to your ex-boyfriend's attempts to be friends

The fantasy of almost every girl left by a boyfriend looks something like this: Suddenly the phone rings, and the girl sees that this is her ex-boyfriend. Excited, she watches as his name and number pop up on the screen of her phone... or a letter arrives from him, or a social media message, or whatever. In short, no matter how, he wants to contact her. Now she will answer him and hear that he loves her, cannot live without her and wants to restore relations ...

But is it so? - As a rule, not at all. Why, then, does the ex-boyfriend want to contact you? What does this mean?

In such a situation, you are too excited to understand the reasons for his attempt to make contact. Most often, an ex-boyfriend does not need contact in order to restore a relationship. Usually, this is “reconnaissance” in order to find out whether the “your boyfriend’s place” that he has vacated is free and whether it is still reserved for him. He needs the most full information in order to understand how free he is in maneuver and how much time he has to stay in a state when he does not yet have to make the final choice between “being with you” or “being without you”. Simply put, the guy wants to know how big the risk of losing you completely is, whether you feel free in your further actions.

It is possible that contact will be backed up by some plausible pretext, for example, "pick up your things." He may want to look at you, see you, visit you at home, so that the "intelligence data" about the assessment of your current position is as accurate as possible. He can also collect information through friends, colleagues, relatives. During a contact or meeting, he will probably want to enlist your consent to maintain constant contact in the future ("let's communicate, because you are not a stranger to me"), and ideally, "become friends" in order to have a guarantee of freedom for himself maneuver (which I already wrote above). Sometimes a guy can resort to manipulation - begin to "take offense" if you refuse him "friendship" and blackmail you with "his final loss", but he will do this only in order not to lose control over you.

Naturally, there may be other cases and other reasons, but, as a rule, it is the desire to control you, the whole situation as a whole, and to be calm about your unoccupied place in your heart, which serves as an incentive that makes the guy not lose contact with you after the end of the relationship. . This is why breaking up is so important, especially in the first few days or even weeks after a breakup.

Please note that I am not saying anything about the need to ignore an ex-boyfriend or not respond to his messages and phone calls, about adding him to the "black lists" and removing him from "friends" in in social networks, about writing a devastating letter to him with an expression of all your grievances ... It is better not to do anything, since this is not a manifestation of strength, but weakness. Also, it's not always possible to do this because you can work or study together, live in the same house, have mutual friends, and hang out in the same places.

Your task is not to erase the ex-boyfriend from your life for a while. All you have to do is push his foot out of the gap in the door and put yours in there, take control of the door, and show the guy only what you want to show - strong girl, able to survive the heavy blow of fate and directed to the future, and not what he wants to see - a weak and pathetic creature ready to give up everything in order to devote his whole life to waiting for his return. Let the guy do not understand anything and constantly doubt - who are you with, where are you, how are you spending time, what are you thinking about, or maybe you already have someone ... This will further inflame his curiosity.

However, if you're not capable of that level of self-control with an ex, think very hard before happily answering his call a couple of days or weeks after the breakup, even if you can think of a million reasons to do so. After all, you will give yourself away and make it clear to the ex-boyfriend that you are still waiting for his return, his place is free, and he can not rush anywhere and not worry about anything. I am against ignoring and playing "in silence", but if you really have to choose between "completely ignore" and "be friends", it is better to choose the first, because remaining friends with the former, you will greatly delay his return or even make it impossible.

Only when you are ready to return the ex-boyfriend, when you understand what you were true reason breakup and how to build new relationships, only then can you start all over again and become friends. But this will be another friendship - before the relationship, not after it. Hope you understand the difference?

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to advise in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but then be prepared for the fact that I will ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

Enough a large number of people at least once in their lives have heard the phrase: "let's be friends." Such words can greatly unsettle and deal a tangible blow to self-esteem. Whether it is worth putting an end to your communication after that, or is it just a temporary obstacle, you need to figure it out.

This may imply several scenarios for the development of your relationship:

1. The complete absence of any intimacy.
2. A person culturally offers, is not seen at all.
3. Opportunity to leave, but on good terms.

reasons such a solution could be great amount. Sometimes these words sound like thunder among clear sky. May be you were so in love that did not notice existing problems. Now the main thing is to understand what and when it happened that the relationship ceased to be romantic or stopped altogether.

If these words came from a girl

ill-fated 3 words can be heard at any time throughout the relationship. It is always worth remembering that the representatives of the weaker sex unusual figurative thinking, which is sometimes completely inexplicable and incomprehensible. In this case, many can use the expression about female logic. Quite often, the representatives of the weaker sex think for a long time before making a final decision. not to offend you and not to cause a wave of negativity, the phrase comes to the rescue: "let's remain friends."

What to do to change everything?

To try to rekindle sympathy you need to do the whole operation. The first thing to do - break all contact with this person for at least six months, in case you were culturally thrown. It concerns not only personal meetings, but and phone and correspondence Try not to even answer incoming calls. Get over yourself in order to achieve the desired effect in the future. There is no full guarantee that after this time the relationship will resume, the main thing is that you change and do first steps into a new life.

take care of yourself, perhaps, change the style of clothing, communication and increase the circle of communication. Improve yourself, attend trainings, start playing sports, any changes will only increase the chances of reciprocity. When you next meet partner certainly will notice your reincarnation. When your relationship has smoothly flowed into a friendship, disappear for a few weeks and see if the person will seek to meet you.

If interest in you is renewed Now it's time to dictate your own rules. Make the person regret that he once rejected you, for example, make him jealous. Show that there are a lot of people around who also do not mind starting a relationship with you, and at this moment remind that you are what these scenes are for. Only don't overdo it so as not to alienate the person forever.

Another option

This method is not suitable for inexperienced people, in order for it to work you need to have willpower. It is included in systematic appearance and disappearance. When you hear the phrase: "Let's remain friends," agree. Especially, if on the horizon a new candidate for the role of the second half. It’s just that if you take the previous method, you may have nowhere to return, so you can’t lose connection. Here need to include "friend", and without any possible hints of something more. Friendship should not be sluggish, try to spend as much time as possible together, for example, go to exhibitions, find a common hobby. During this time, there should be a strong attraction.

Now let's move on to the second stage. When you notice interest to his person: constant calls, invitations for walks, it means everything is done right.. Now you have to leave, and completely disappear for a while. During this time, you can change, for example, change something in the image. You also need to bring your loved one back to life unexpectedly. Just come visit or call and ask for a walk, as if nothing had happened. When the contact is not broken, you should immediately try to transfer the relationship in a new direction, stop playing friendship. Touch casually, take a hand, any actions that will bring you closer together will do. At such moments, you will definitely feel whether the partner is ready to rise to the next stage of your relationship.