CHAPTER 11 Friendship and Love When the illusory ego succumbs to immensity, Nothing remains but Holiness, Holiness, Holiness! Rumi Connect people to deep principles When telling a story, use metaphors to introduce people to deep principles,

Lesson 11 Happy partnership: friendship, love, family Relationships, like any other area of ​​our lives, obey the same laws: we get what we believe in and what we think about. Any relationship can develop in any way, if you are ready to start changing your

Work with the studied material. Friendship (or just reconciliation) with your “inferior function” Choose something that requires the use of your “inferior function” - preferably one that you have never tried before, but not too difficult

Love and Friendship Lifestyle is all about balance. And one of the main conditions of balance is the person you love and who loves you. There is nothing more valuable than two people taking care of each other. She makes life rich to the limit. Protect your love with all

There are so many beautiful things in the world, so many positive emotions and feelings that sometimes you can just get confused in them. Love and friendship - what is the difference between them and does it exist at all, if we talk about friendship between a man and a woman? Or maybe friendship is that intimate feeling that a woman has for a woman, and love is a feeling that she feels for a man? Then friendship between a man and a woman simply does not exist? Is this really so, let's try to figure it out and put everything "on the shelves".

So, can we be friends? "What's question!" - many will be indignant, - “Of course we can! What kind of special skill is needed for this? We all have friends." And they will be wrong, because they include in the concept of friendship something completely different from what it is in reality. We often call friends or good acquaintances with whom we communicate for a long time. We call them back, take an interest in their affairs, meet sometimes, gather at the same table on holidays and sometimes share our experiences and joys.

But psychologists say that this cannot be called friendship. The psychology of friendship implies the need for regular communication with a specific person, a need tantamount to hunger. We need a friend, like air, in trouble, in joy, and just in everyday life. And this need is very reminiscent of another feeling - the feeling of love. Maybe these feelings are identical? But, alas, it is not. Does true friendship even exist? Is it possible to meet a person so close to you to feel that you really need him? Is it possible to keep this relationship and not lose friendship?

Sooner or later, such a person appears in life, the need for which always exists, and this is a psychological need. But, unfortunately, such relations are gradually fading away. Selfless friendship is slowly becoming a relic of the past. Friends now for us are people who can help in a particular issue or those with whom you can have a good time. The same goes for people who call us friends. In fact, if one of the allegedly close friends has a crisis, the “friends” evaporate somewhere until this crisis passes. This situation is familiar to almost everyone.

In a word, profitable friendship is rapidly crowding out disinterested friendship. And we begin to forget about the very concept of friendship. And in vain. What does true friendship mean? Love and friendship saves a person from loneliness at all times. Today we can finally lose one of the most reliable means of human communication - the ability to make friends. Losing the ability to be friends, you can probably unlearn and love, if these concepts are so close. About this skill and about what love is, and what friendship is from the point of view of psychology, we will talk today.

What does "friendship" mean?

What really lies in this seemingly familiar concept of friendship? Scientifically speaking, friendship is a disinterested, personal relationship between people based on common sympathies, interests and hobbies. True friendship is not just talking over a cup of coffee. Signs of true friendship are expressed in the fact that a friend is always there - is it bad for us, is it good ...

Does everyone have such friends? Unfortunately no. And can each of us be such a friend? Also "alas", and also "no". We climbed into tough cocoons and forgot how to sincerely rejoice at someone's successes and just as sincerely empathize with their failures. And this concerns, unfortunately, not only strangers, but also those who are close to us.

But it is precisely with those whom we love that we so need to be able to be friends! Because the lack of this skill gives rise to a lot of disagreements that contribute to the emergence of alienation between loving people and cause them heartache. Just the inability of the spouses to be friends, and not supposedly gone into oblivion love, is the cause of many divorces. No wonder they say that the best wife is both a friend and a loved one. Love is a friendship saturated with passion and desire. If there is no friendship between a man and a woman, then there can be no love, it is most likely only passion, love or sexual desire.

What does true friendship mean? Confidence in the future; it makes a person bolder, freer and more optimistic, and his life - warmer, more interesting and multifaceted. True friendship spiritually unites people, contributing to the development in them of the desire for creation, and not destruction. In a word, friendship is very important in our life, but, unfortunately, for the most part we do not take this into account. We do not realize that many problems that seem grandiose and frightening can be solved without much difficulty if there are reliable friends nearby. And if between spouses, in addition to love, there is also friendship, any conflicts that arise in marriage can be easily eliminated.

So what is more important - love or friendship? The question is completely incorrect, because speaking about the family, one cannot talk about one of these feelings, since they are strongly interconnected. Only if there is friendship, then there is true love. Is it possible to sincerely and truly love a person and not understand him, not support him, not be his friend? Of course not! Sometimes you can hear the phrase “I don’t understand him (her) at all!”, But this phrase remains only a set of words, because you can’t understand a person you don’t know, who is a stranger to you, but your loved ones are always understood.

How to learn to be friends for real? What is the psychology of these feelings? Should there be love or friendship, understanding and support between close people?

The ability to make friends and love in marriage

Many of us are used to thinking that love is necessary for a happy marriage. Meanwhile, this is not entirely true. Love in its purest form is a spontaneous, impulsive and uncontrollable feeling. Often it is love that is the reason for all kinds of strife between spouses and even the reason for the gap between them, if it is not backed up by true friendship. Why?

Because we do not know how to control outbursts of feelings if they are based only on love. And love often leads to a state of passion and deprives a person of the ability to reason. But when it is accompanied by friendship, control is not only possible - it happens arbitrarily, without the slightest internal tension. We are usually indulgent towards a friend, so many sharp corners in an exclusively loving relationship are smoothed out or completely bypassed. That is precisely why between loved ones, in addition to a feeling of passion and attraction to each other, there must be friendship, only then such feelings can be called true love.

The ability to be friends with a man and a woman, being loved, is not an easy task. However, if we want to be happy, we need to learn it. Otherwise, we will not avoid quarrels and strife, the motive for which will be, in essence, trifles. In order for spouses or lovers to become friends, they first of all need to cultivate in themselves the desire for voluntary self-sacrifice for the sake of their soul mate. The moral values ​​of friendship, love, family in general presuppose the ability for self-sacrifice. However, for the most part, we strive to receive more than we give. This is the standard state of a normal person, which, at first glance, is quite difficult to change.

But this is only at first glance. Well, if the main part of us is selfish, then let's, for the sake of friendship in the family, let's act to please ourselves. And for this, let's remember the boomerang effect and the fact that everything that we give out, then comes back to us a hundredfold. Let's give our life partner warmth, participation, care and understanding, and in the end we will get the same from him. Well, if we don’t get it, then the marriage was a mistake. And warmth, participation and care will return to us through another person.

In general, the inability of a husband and wife to friendship slowly but surely undermines the foundations of any marriage, even if it was created on the basis of sincere and deep love. There is a difference in the psychology of love and friendship. Overly loving people lose the ability to soberly assess their role in the family. They are in a state similar to a disease, they are maximally concentrated on each other and cannot adequately perceive reality. It is impossible to live your whole life in such a state. Sooner or later it passes, and disappointment and annoyance comes to the empty place if nothing connects people. The result is alienation, loss of interest in the family, in relationships, the search for him on the side. Feelings of love and friendship are closely intertwined in the ideal relationship between a man and a woman.

In families with signs of true friendship between husband and wife, the occurrence of such a situation is almost impossible. There is no surplus in friendship. On the contrary, over time it becomes stronger and more reliable. A marriage union based on many years of friendship is like a well-oiled mechanism that works without failures. Divorce for such a family is almost unrealistic - even if, for some reason, the spouses go their separate ways, friendship will unite them again. That is why it is impossible to say what is more important - friendship or love. Love is the fire, and friendship is the fuel that sustains it and keeps it alive.

In order for families to have friendship, people who intend to create a marriage union should be prepared for the fact that sooner or later the spouses will show dissimilarity in beliefs, habits, and characters. On this basis, many disputes and quarrels arise, which often lead to the complete collapse of the marriage. But this is a disaster, no matter how you slice it. So what, to marry, knowingly dooming yourself to trouble? Hardly anyone wants it. We all strive for peace and security in the family, and only true friendship can give them to us. Friendly spouses instinctively yield to each other in everything, condescendingly treat the requirements of their soul mate, reflexively yielding to her. They live according to the true moral values ​​of friendship, family love: mutual trust, self-sacrifice, kindness.

In such harmonious families, there is no question of who will be the first to step towards reconciliation after some kind of strife. These quarrels simply do not last long and are in the nature of a kind of game that is so necessary in family relationships. Therefore, reconciliation after them is not a problem - the one who at the moment turned out to be wiser begins to put up. Such a couple is self-sufficient, and each in it constantly experiences an urgent need for the other. This, of course, significantly weakens the craving of spouses to communicate with other people apart from each other. And what could be better than striving home, to your soul mate, from any, even a very attractive and interesting company of people?

Conclusion: for a good and strong marriage union, friendship between husband and wife is necessary. We, unfortunately, when creating a family, not only do not take this fact into account - we completely reject it, thus dooming ourselves to long torments due to eternal family conflicts. In society, there is a stereotype of a family in which the husband and wife are almost the first enemies. And each of them for many years is constantly trying to prove something to the other, and each is wrong, and each is unhappy. Divorce practically does not change anything, because, by creating another family, the ex-husband and wife will automatically build relationships in accordance with the model of the former family.

Today's families are often based on the principle of who will crush whom. “He (she) will walk on my string!” - exclaim potential husband and wife in response to the question of how they are going to build family relationships. But after all, we do not choose scoundrels for our spouses, but girls with disgusting characters as wives! Where does the intention to become a cruel taskmaster, and not a true friend, whom you can trust always and in everything? After all, the old saying “Husband and wife are one Satan” did not arise from scratch. It is based on centuries of experience and implies nothing more than a strong and reliable friendship.

So there can be no love without friendship in a relationship for a long time, falling in love - yes, but not love. Because love without friendship is like a person without hands. So let's learn to be friends with our soul mates and begin to create marriages that will become stronger over the years, and sincere feelings will become the basic principles of family happiness.

Talk 2

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If the relationship between representatives of different sexes is involved in tender feelings for each other and there is no friendship, this is not true love. Is there an optimal balance between friendship and attraction to each other?

According to family psychologists, friendship between partners is a condition for a couple's long-term relationship, because if friendship is removed, intimate relationships, children, home life, and relationships with neighbors will remain. And to be friends means the ability to talk, have a common outlook and live, rejoice at successes, be sad in case of failures of one of the partners. It follows that without friendship, married life is impossible.

To the question of whether friendship interferes with falling in love with each other, there will be the following answer:

Love and friendship: what is it?

A strong mutual feeling, a deep predisposition of two people who are ready to give each other the best, even to their own detriment - this is love.

Trusting, sincere contacts between people who have common hobbies and interests are friendly relations.

What is the difference between these feelings? In friendship, a friend will always come to the rescue. Friendship is like mutually beneficial cooperation. If you delve into the subconscious, during friendly relations, comrades expect returns from each other and act to some extent selfishly. Friendship is based on joint actions, common interests.

Meanwhile, love is a selfless feeling, it is given from head to toe and does not require anything in return. A person, being happy in love, makes his soul mate happy. There is no selfishness in this feeling.

There is more affection in love than in friendship, because in the latter there is no passion, feelings between partners. Relationships in friendship are strong and tender, devoid of lust. Such relationships often operate between same-sex representatives. Male friendship is created on some events, and female friendship is based on emotions and desires to discuss actions. Love is the relationship of two loving hearts, and friendship can be with several people.

Friendship makes a person feel more fully in reality and it is not surprising that when we ourselves change, our friends also change. Often, people's friendship breaks up when they have nothing to share and mutual interest in something goes away. But with love, things are completely different. It gives wings to a person and a person undergoes changes, creating a new standard of living.

So let's summarize:

Love is a romantic approach of two loving hearts, and friendship is a frank sincere feeling between people based on trust, patience and reciprocity.
Friendship, first of all, exists between same-sex representatives.
Friendships often turn into love, and love rarely turns into friendship.
When true love is completely unselfish, meanwhile friendship is a little selfish, since it is beneficial to all those who participate in it.
Friendship is based and rests on mutual interest, common hobbies, and love relationships - on feelings.
Friendship is not a passionate, sensual relationship.

Barriers affecting inter-gender friendships

The most common cause that affects friendship between the sexes is intimate tension. This is because women expect more sensitivity and trust from these relationships and therefore they are easily vulnerable to emotional trauma. According to men, intimate relationships between them not only do not destroy friendship, but make it more stable.
The problem of public misunderstanding. Many of the people do not believe that there can be a true and fulfilling friendship between members of different sexes and when they are seen together, they believe that they are really lovers, but not friends.
Romantic relationships are another barrier to friendship. Friendships will quickly deteriorate if you hint at them. Therefore, if you do not want this, avoid such hints and respect the friend's right to his own life. Do not arouse romance in you and refrain from provocative relationships in such situations. Do not talk often on personal topics. Often, joint activities expand, it begins to interfere with work and, of course, friendly relations.

Causes of Interracial Friendship - Romantic urges

Groups prone to love motives:

The first group in which friendship turns into romance are teenagers. Why is this happening? Maybe teenagers can't exercise control over their emotions? They often don't know whether they are friends or romantic.
The second group consists of people who are in an unsuccessful marriage, where dissatisfaction with relationships affects. Instead of talking with a spouse, many of them look for positive romantic connections on the side. It is very interesting to make friends with a member of the opposite sex. There are those who understand that such a period will come and the marriage will break up. Then they make friends on the side, as if looking for a backup option for themselves, without realizing that they are looking for a replacement for their half.
The third group includes those who marry and agree to a long-term relationship. They look for a mate and consider such friendship to be the beginning of a relationship.

Dangers that threaten friendship

There was a time when it was believed that it does not happen. This idea is rooted in ancient times, when a woman sat by the fire and waited for the miner from the hunt. Then other relationships were unthinkable, and modern psychologists believe that the reasons for their relationship were reproduction, not friendship. Consequently, for a long time friendship between the sexes was not perceived.

At present, much has changed, and the woman has become the breadwinner, while protection, reproduction and other instincts have remained in the background. Currently, representatives of the stronger and weaker sex are engaged in versatile activities. They work and work together in many spheres of life: in science, in culture, in sports, in politics. But to this day, friendship between the sexes is considered a rare phenomenon.

It also happens that love is hidden under a friendly mask. This does not mean that if they are friends, then, say, a woman is in love with him. But maybe the representative of the stronger sex is secretly in love with her? Therefore, it is necessary to distinguish friendship from love relationships.
Another obstacle to love is the following. If you are married, married or getting married, then friendship with the other sex will cause jealousy. So, do not pay as much attention to a friend or girlfriend than to a permanent partner or spouse. Be careful, because after some time, friendship will turn into love and can become an obstacle to union with your loved one.
The next obstacle to friendship is unrequited love. Before making friends, think about the possibility of falling in love. Is this friendship worth the pain? After all, unrequited love is suffering. Many are sure that this will not happen to them. No one knows for sure that friendship will not turn into love.

Former lovers become friends because they have a common passion, a hobby. Not often, but ex-spouses who have children together can also be friends. Since the most important thing in friendship is trust, it also happens that a partner who was attracted to another suppresses the feeling and rejects the part of his personality that is responsible for this. It turns out that he is honest with a friend, but not with himself. He has an internal conflict. But, you need to be careful that sooner or later the attraction would not spill out.

According to the opinions of the male, friendship with the beautiful half of humanity is a way out for them, because they talk with them on topics that they would not talk to male friends.
Since men cannot compete with women, therefore, the latter are friends with men. They joke a lot, talk, talk about pressing issues with them without feeling competitive.

Love, respect each other and be friends at the same time. Do not cease to amaze your friends with your affection, trust, and your spouses with selfless love and devotion.

Friendship is a stone, without which no positive relationship between people is possible. It is highly desirable to have friendship both in family and in love relationships. Sometimes friendship is even more important than family; alliances and families can be built on its foundation. Unfortunately, love between lovers sooner or later turns into a habit, and in this case, only friendship remains, which helps the couple to continue to be together.

Friendship in a relationship:

Friendship in relationships of any kind is mutual support and commonality of views. People who are friends often strive for common goals. Despite the fact that quarrels and disputes can sometimes arise between people who are on friendly terms, their views on life are rarely radically opposed, they often agree, and disputes are a kind of seasoning to support relationships.

Friendship is also common interests and hobbies. It is with common interests that friendship begins, because in the presence of similar hobbies, people always find topics for endless and boring conversations. The ability to remain silent when next to each other, so as not to become bored, is also considered a sign of friendship in a relationship. After all, only kindred spirits do this, who do not necessarily need words to understand each other.

Often stories about friendship, which develops into deeper feelings, are filmed by Hollywood directors. And, of course, women willingly want to believe that this happens in life too. Such cases are not uncommon. There is an opinion that in friendship between a man and a woman, someone always counts on something more. Often, for a very long time, friends cannot step over the line, as they are afraid of various troubles that they may encounter in a love relationship.

If people were good friends before moving on to a love relationship, it means that they are already somewhat familiar with the habits and character of their partner and, through old friendship, will be able to more easily endure conflicts with him. Therefore, love after friendship takes place. Rumor has it that it is relationships that have grown from friendship into love that are considered the strongest. It is impossible to say whether this is true or not without trying it. In any case, crossing the line, you risk, but no more and no less than if you simply entered into a relationship with a new person.

It so happens that men in love often experience a feeling of fear and insecurity before approaching the object of adoration. These feelings are especially aggravated if the object of adoration is a girlfriend. After all, men firmly believe in friendship and find their passion for something wrong, which is why they are in a hurry, afraid to take a step towards love.

If you think that your friend is not indifferent to you and feel something similar for him, then it would be a crime not to take the bull by the horns. It is necessary to try to turn friendship into a relationship and thereby make happy not only yourself, but also a man.

To turn friendship into a relationship, try to meet with a friend alone more often, without prying eyes and companies. Sometimes you can create a touch of romance during an ordinary walk. For example, you can gently touch his arm with your hand and see how he reacts. A man in love, most likely, will respond to your touch, and there it’s already close to the first “adult” kiss between friends.

In any case, do not force things, study it and let the man study you so that both of you can understand if you need a love relationship and if you are ready to turn friendship into it.

Friendship in a relationship is the key to a strong union. No relationship can be built solely on the attraction of two bodies. Yes, and love, unfortunately, sooner or later goes out. But the unity of souls or friendship, in other words, often lasts for years and even decades. Friendship in a relationship is needed so that partners feel support and support in each other, know that during troubles, there will be a person, close and beloved, who can lend a hand. Friendship in relationships helps keep love afloat, makes them taller and stronger.

Before starting a family, it is very important to determine for yourself whether there is friendship in a relationship, because you need to live with a person who not only attracts you sexually, but also externally. It is very important to see in a loved one an interesting interlocutor who has views on life similar to yours.

If the relationship was destined to fall apart, the question arises as to who the former lovers will remain - enemies, friends, or simply nobody. According to the classic Erich Maria Remarque, “love is not stained with friendship,” but here everyone decides for himself.

Of course, love relationships crowned with betrayal by one of the parties are very difficult to make friendly after parting. But, if you broke up with a partner by mutual agreement, having decided that you objectively do not suit each other, then there is no reason to completely stop communicating.

In the civilized world, even ex-spouses are on friendly terms after a divorce, so this is exactly the criterion that you need to strive for if the former love did nothing wrong to you.

Meanwhile, friendship in relations between the former will look rather unnatural if one of the parties has feelings for the former. If there are mutual claims, then friendship also, most likely, will not grow together. You should also not strive for friendship, even if in a relationship you experienced boredom and did not know what to talk about with a partner.

Indications for friendship in relations between the former may be the presence of children, a joint business or a narrow circle of friends, where parted ones enter. By the way, it often happens that the former, continuing regular communication in a friendly manner, understand that they cannot do without this person, and then friendship again develops into love. However, these are already the vagaries of fate, no one can predict how it will be in your case. Anyway, bad friendship is worse than good enmity, so try to behave with your former lover, if not friendly, then at least evenly, without claims and reminders of the past.

What's between you? Love or friendship? What is their difference? Such banal questions are asked by people who are faced with uncertainty in a relationship. Trying to distinguish between familiarity and romanticism can sometimes confuse even the most philosophical minds.

Let's try to determine what is the difference and similarity between these two so similar, but completely different concepts?

We can safely say one thing, that friendship without love can exist, but love without friendship cannot exist. Friendship often gives rise to love and passion, and sincere love always contains friendly notes.

Attachment, familiarity, sympathy, romance, passion, friendship are the constituent elements of the relationship between a man and a woman.

Never before has this connection been easy to understand and impeccable to flow. And only with experience, getting burned and getting on the rake of life, each of us eventually finds that person with whom it is easier and easier to go through life.

How to distinguish friendship from love?

1. Friendship is rather a spiritual relationship between people, based on mutual interest in each other: worldview, common interests, values ​​and thoughts. The formula for a love affair is sexual attraction multiplied by friendship. Everything, of course, is simple in words, but in reality it is not always cloudless.
2. Love is not just an everyday relationship between people, it is an emotional and physical connection between a man and a woman, on which you have to work hard every day so as not to lose interest in each other.

Can friendship grow into love?

A scientific discipline such as psychology believes that friendship between a guy and a girl is an artificial kind of relationship. Such a relationship can exist for a long time only if there is sympathy between them, and also if there are barriers to young people becoming lovers.

However, the most prosperous and strongest marriages occur when passionate and romantic relationships grow from friendly relationships. Common interests, spending time together, solving some common situations can bring friends closer together. Then, having seen and appreciated each other in action, having checked the relationship for human strength, it is easier to build a life together, adding affectionate and caring moments to it.

And then true friendship flows into attraction, and then develops into mutual, true love. History knows many romantic relationships that began between two good friends.

The line between friendship and love

Communicating with a guy, you have already initially determined the level of relationship that is acceptable for you.

If there is sympathy, you flirt and flirt, resort to other "women's tricks and tricks", if you are only interested in friendship, then the manifestations will be different.

But how to find out about the feelings of the second person?

Here you can’t get into someone else’s head and ask directly. And you do not want to spoil relations with him or hurt his heart if he is not indifferent to you. Or vice versa, it is necessary to win his sympathy and translate communication into a love channel.

How to determine: friends or loves?

Indeed, there is a lot in common between emotional attachment and familiarity, but there are also differences. In order to further understand how love differs from friendship, let's take a step-by-step look at the similarities and differences between these concepts.

Similarities:

• You have a lot in common, you feel comfortable and have fun together. Any topic of conversation is not a problem for you, and there are no secrets between you;
• Fighting doesn't ruin your relationship. And in the first and second cases, even offended by each other, you will look for ways to make peace, you will be bored and yearning, as if life has lost its meaning;
• Neither a friend nor a loved one will ever be left in trouble and will not betray. If you come up with a problem, they will listen to you and give you advice, wipe away tears and help you cope with difficulties;
• If you are faced with ridicule and attacks from the outside, then close people will stand up for you, even if you yourself were wrong about something;
• You are accepted for who you are, forgiving all the shortcomings, because your inner qualities make you who you really are.

Friendship is different from love:

Is friendship possible after love?

"Let's be friends!"- this is how past love relationships often end. What is it - the final point or the real desire to redirect the relationship to another level?

Of course, if after parting no one is offended, why not be friends?

It just so happened that you are not suitable for each other to live together, however, common interests and hobbies, similar outlooks on life, joint work and mutual friends allow you to have fun together. But even this delicate matter has its pitfalls.

You are not going to remain single and completely immerse yourself in friendly relationships?

Your future partner is unlikely to appreciate such devotion to a former lover. Most likely, you will remain friends only in words: a couple of comments on social networks, several times a year, congratulations on the holidays.

If the scenario of the finale of your parting was originally different: resentment, hatred, sadness, despair, loneliness, indifference, then, of course, there can be no question of any friendship.

Remember, only future romantic and affectionate affection will save you from past passion. Therefore, do not hang your nose and look around: perhaps very close is the one who is looking for a meeting with you and considers you the most delightful person in the world.