Narcissists write to me from time to time. Usually, even in the course of correspondence, it becomes clear that these are indeed narcissists, and they correctly understand their essence.

All of them (in the sense, my respondents) are in an agonizing search for a life strategy. One wants to better "master" his narcissism in order to adapt to life among people and eliminate his own weak links: self-sabotage in his career, the rapid depreciation of new beginnings and the loss of interest in them.

Another worries about how to get back his wife, who left for the second time, and establish a normal life with her. He does not hide the fact that all problems in relationships arise through his fault ...

The hero of this story - and this is a 27-year-old resident of a large city - claims that he managed to reverse his narcissism. According to him, a bright period has been going on for half a year now, when long-forgotten emotions returned to him and the need for a narcissistic resource disappeared. He says that he broke up with all the former and is now dating a girl, with whom he began his relationship not with idealization, but with a gradual convergence and identification of common interests.

I am not publishing this post so that some of you will hasten to return to your narcissists, inspired by the example of the reader. Perhaps he did not have a full-fledged narcissistic disorder, but was, let's say, a narcissistic injury or narcissism in a relatively mild degree. Because he remembered himself alive, with emotions - the real narcissist does not remember this (I think so).

Besides, it's an experiment. No one, and the hero himself, knows what will happen next. Of course, I really want a miracle to happen, but I cannot and do not want to reassure you that this is possible. But I also don't want to grunt skeptically in response to this confession. Even if this is a temporary enlightenment, the “new life” that narcissists love to start, this story will at least enrich our understanding of what is happening in the soul of a narcissist.

So, let's read. Please be respectful in discussions. A narcissist in a bright period is still a narcissist, and no one has canceled narcissistic shame (although the hero claims that he can avoid it).

Yes, I am going to talk about the vices, about the dark side of narcissism, but not through the eyes of a specialist who professionally studies this disease, but a person who has become it, but was able to find the DESIRE and POWER in himself in order to fight this disease and step over his own. shame and selfishness to print this story. How strongly the signs of narcissism manifested themselves in me (and they are all available), I leave the right to judge to the readers. However, at the time of passing the test on the link from this LiveJournal "How Narcissist I Am", I honestly and without difficulty answered all 101 questions and scored 330+ points. One way or another, the purpose of this story is my desire to help people with NPD and the majority of the audience - those who have suffered from such personalities. I write as it is, without exaggeration and embellishment.

"On the horns of the devil, the halo holds on tighter" (c)

After reviewing a number of stories from the childhood of narcissists, I dare to say that my own is not particularly different, based on the circumstances that entail the destruction of the personality and the formation of narcissism - everything went according to an already familiar pattern. Mother is a narcissist (which I could only understand at the age of 25), seemingly a kind of soft, meek woman, compliant, ready to please everyone, she will speak her teeth in a jiffy, but behind all this, there seems to be spinelessness, lack of inner core.

What a good woman, you say. Only in appearance. And on people. The first vivid childhood memory reminds me of itself to this day with a scar on the inside of my lip, when during dinner my mother moved a chair so that I broke my chin on the table - I prevented her from talking on the phone by playing with bread or something something like that. A well-deserved punishment, in her opinion. Then I was 4 years old.

There was no love in the family, neither between father and mother, nor in relation to my mother. My father treated me better, but more on that later. From the side of the mother, some kind of coldness was always felt, even when she, hugging me, said that we love you and dad. By the way, she spoke and hugged me only when I deserved it. I had to read, work out, then there was a "reward": "praise" and sweets. Or a birthday present, always with instruction, they say, look, it costs money, we give you, but you have to try even better, otherwise this gift will go to Sasha (an excellent student in primary school, who was always set as an example to me).

My mother always compared me - "study like Sasha, you must be better than him", "Grow up, you will become like I. Ya." etc. They never focused on my talents and preferences, on what I want. My father was stingy with emotions, apparently because of his childhood traumas, he could not express his sensual attitude towards me. He loved me somehow in his own way, this was more manifested in the gifts that he, unlike his mother, made free of charge. In addition, now I understand that basically the quarrels between father and mother were connected with the father’s desire to defend personal boundaries, which the narcissistic mother sought to destroy, subjugate to herself, which she achieved years later.

I always had to justify the hopes of my parents, and in case of failure I felt acute guilt and shame: "How is it that they invested so much in me, but I did not live up to expectations?" I thought so later. But fortunately I was a smart child and had time EVERYWHERE. In studies, circles, all kinds of sections where my mother enrolled me and everywhere I had to be the best, otherwise a scandal and a lack of sweets awaited me, which at that time was worse for me than the first, because. I'm used to scandals.

Speaking of scandals. This is the environment in which I lived since childhood. Parents quarreled almost every day, with constant assault, besides, we lived in a country house, which we shared with my father's "relatives" who wanted our congress. If one day there was no fight between the parents - it always arose between the father and his brothers - blood, torn clothes - something that I have observed since childhood.

Sometimes these "neighbors" turned off the heating in the cold season, then I had to freeze, or vice versa, they turned on loud music, which made me unable to sleep, after which a fight followed. This is all from 3 to 6-7 years. But I didn't have time to be distracted by it. I had to then prepare for school, learn English and so on.

"I'm afraid of angels, they are kind, they will agree to be devils" (c)

Now I understand that my mother has been trying all her life to realize her ambitions through me, since she herself has not personally achieved anything in life, she has no friends, interests, hobbies. All that she did was only violence, mostly psychological, blurring of interpersonal boundaries, considering the child to be an extension of herself, as a kind of organ, a liver that digests all the toxins, later you will understand what is at stake.

All this was wrapped in a brilliant wrapper for the public and presented as a "heroine mother", doing everything for the good of her child - "I give all my strength, I do everything for you, why couldn't you finish perfectly?". That's how people saw my mother; the role of the victim of the three roles of the Karpman triangle, she manages to win back best. I began to feel guilty for absolutely everything that was happening around, I was so deeply mired in "maternal care".

During my school years, echoes of the violence that I had to live with as a child began to appear. I liked to shoot birds, rats with an air gun, and I didn’t experience anything at all. No twinges of conscience, pity, regrets, it seemed to me an exciting activity, it was even some kind of experiment, like "what will happen?". "I wonder, I thought, will the wing of a crow withstand a shot? I heard that the feathers are very strong, we'll check it out!"

Luckily, the crow didn't. But it didn't end there. If in kindergarten I was unsociable, I sat all day on the stairs and looked at one point (apparently I experienced that stress), then in my school years I experienced a huge craving for communication, I was surrounded by a lot of "friends".

By the way, for some reason I beat "best friends". Sometimes something came over me and for no reason I began to beat the person with whom I was friends, and the closest people got it the most. Why? Why, what kind of madness? Just like that, then I found it funny, then I usually said "well, why are you different? let's go play" and we went to play, I was as if nothing had happened. By the way, no one ever left me. Even then I had something that attracted people, I was a mystery to them, I always threw out something out of the ordinary, it was unusual, interesting, fun with me.

In adolescence, I instinctively began to move away from home, to spend more time outside its walls, as I had an interest in everything and felt the need for personal development, and, of course, it was unbearable for me to live in such an environment. I had to look for more and more free time, which was clearly not enough, as the “vice” of my mother tightened more and more, there was a period of total control in my life on her part. For a narcissist, the most important thing is control and, due to my minor age, she exercised it to the fullest.

Despite the fact that I studied perfectly at that time (naturally, without fours, otherwise I would not even leave the house), I had to report to her in everything: study, walk, with whom I communicate, etc. She decided what was best for me. If I was late from a walk even for 15 minutes - it was a scandal, she called my friends' parents and humiliated me in front of them.

It is worth talking about humiliation separately. In this way, the narcissist seeks to hang a sense of guilt on a person, break him, blur personal boundaries, make him malleable and easily controlled, in my case, a “comfortable” child. I don’t know how, but despite such psychological abuse, I managed to maintain my character at that moment in time. Further it was more interesting. The methods of mother's influence on me intensified every year.

Have you heard about German concentration camps? One of the tortures of people there was the creation of conditions for the absence of sleep (perhaps, for that time and circumstances, this was a “humane” torture, but it is difficult to imagine such a thing in a family). After a certain time, a person became malleable, ready to do anything and confess to anything, even to what he had not done. A good way to break a person and set the stage for further manipulation.

Since I had less and less personal time, and I wanted to communicate with my classmates, I often returned home late at night (at 4-5 in the morning). Naturally, all the lessons, assignments were completed by me and checked by my mother personally. Even if the next day was a day off and I didn’t have to go anywhere, early in the morning she (as she usually did) unceremoniously broke into my room and woke me up, disturbed me, preventing me from sleeping, poured water on me, etc. To my requests to let me sleep or the question: “Why?” She, with a kind of feverish expression on her face, answered, “Stop sleeping, get up!”

And she didn’t care that it was early now, and I only slept for an hour and a half with my workload. I usually dragged it to the store, where as a result, once I almost fell face down on the floor - I had no strength. She didn't care about that; when I dragged the bags home, she still kept me awake.

Personal boundaries continued to be broken, it was forbidden to close the door to my room (the narcissist simply cannot bear the thought that I can do something that he does not know); the lock that I had put was removed by my father (he had nothing against me, but by that time his opinion no longer mattered). But I was not spineless, as I already said, and I took such “assaults” with hostility, defended my rights and borders.

The only thing that was not smart enough then, and, most importantly, strength, was just to move out of the apartment. Rent a house, whatever. Even then I was addicted, because my mother very skillfully manipulated, using the tactics of attraction-repulsion, at first “everything is fine”, sit down, eat, I bought everything here, and then abruptly for no reason - get out! And then mat. And then again, as if nothing had happened, again talking, as if nothing had happened. Then I tried to look for the reason in myself, what I did wrong, all in vain.

Nervous breakdowns happened to me all the time, I broke something, I used alcohol. Pretty soon, my mother’s physical strength to cope with me was clearly not enough, so when I resisted her pressure, she made a scandal (this was how her impotence manifested itself), and then called the police squad. They visited our house regularly from my 14 years until about 23-24.

The narcissist is incapable of starting a constructive dialogue, as soon as I asked specific questions in a calm tone, the dialogue immediately shifted into another direction, she could not speak on one topic in essence, she immediately began screaming and meaningless speech with attempts to blame me for everything that was happening. Upon the arrival of law enforcement officers, she instantly changed in her face, became God's dandelion, the victim of a tyrant son. When asked by the police, they say, “Why did you call?” my mother began to publicly humiliate me, saying things that strangers absolutely do not need to know, which made me want to sink through the ground. The police shrugged their shoulders in bewilderment and left. Mother was pleased, I am humiliated - this is a victory.

“There was some kind of huge emptiness in him, filled to the brim with erudition” (c)

Gradually, I began to lose confidence in my own abilities and aspirations. The circle of people with whom I communicated dwindled every year, as did my ambitions and desires. I began to lose the meaning of life, I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted (it should be noted that since childhood I no longer understood what I wanted in life, although until that moment I remained interested in the world around me).

He suffered from depression and kept changing jobs. He threw all his undertakings without finishing, quickly losing interest in this. I became dependent on other people's opinions, changed my appearance (hairstyle, clothes) to please colleagues, friends, get praise from them, catch their enthusiastic looks, when, as before, I dictated my own style and in no way depended on the opinions of others. It became difficult to express my emotions, although by nature I was a very emotional and cheerful person, for which others always loved me.

I became withdrawn, and worst of all, I could not cope with my emotions. Increasingly, anger and anger overshadowed good feelings and began to prevail in me. There was envy. All this accumulated in me, poisoning my soul, and I could not do anything about it; I was afraid of my own emotions, locked them up, it was calmer that way.

Mother's grip did not weaken and I began to understand that I was no longer able to withstand all this, otherwise my whole inside would be torn apart, negative emotions choked and weighed me down, an unbearable burden lay on my soul, which was getting heavier day by day.

In one of the stressful situations, I reached the limit of the emotional load that I was able to endure. I had a nervous breakdown. After that, something inside me broke, torn and faded, everything disappeared. I did not immediately understand what had happened, but after a while I felt relief, freedom from the emotions that weighed me down so much. Together with negative emotions, joyful ones disappeared, as well as feelings, I became simply empty.

At first I even liked it. It was much calmer and better that way. I achieved the relief that I was looking for, the negativity that surrounded me no longer caused me discomfort. The fact that I lost my taste for life did not bother me in the least, this payment for "peace of mind" seemed to me quite acceptable. But the consequences of what happened were not long in coming. In place of the “inner core”, the personal principle that forms your character, yourself, in other words, the inner “I”, a funnel, emptiness formed and it grew every day.

"Appetite comes with eating, but does not go away with hunger" (c)

Soon it became simply unbearable. Nothing could fill this void. Neither alcohol, nor any kind of extreme (I began to be drawn to thrills, it gave me a feeling of fullness for a short time), any undertakings quickly bothered me, I rushed from side to side, trying to find what I would like, but so as there was no longer a personal beginning, my own “I”, then I could not find myself in anything.

My emotional spectrum is horribly impoverished. I stopped feeling anything at all, even the pain defect seriously decreased. It was as if I hardened, closed myself in “impenetrable” armor, abstracted from everything, the remnants of me, those that crumbled in a nervous breakdown, disappeared somewhere in the depths and I could no longer dig them out inside myself. I lost myself along with them.

This became a turning point in my life. No negative emotions could hurt me anymore. My emotional background was reduced to those emotions that are inherent in a narcissist: anger, anger, envy burned me from the inside. But my face remained serene. It was as if I put on an impenetrable mask (I soon learned to skillfully change them). I easily avoided all the hardships and problems, it became impossible to press me against the wall (because there was no one to press), I found excuses for everything and turned any situation in such a way that I got out of the water dry, putting the feeling of guilt on someone else and doing as if he was to blame for what had happened, when it usually wasn't. I felt like I was starting to destroy everything I touched.

The bottomless hole inside me kept growing, the feeling of “hunger” did not leave me, it made me want to climb the wall, although it would hardly help. No, I didn’t go crazy then, but the narcissism inside me had already taken root and was bearing fruit. I lost my job, the rest of my friends, I began to hate people and have not yet learned to hide it.

However, I needed people as much as I hated them. Having good intuition by nature, I learned to manipulate people, to use them for my own purposes. Having lost my emotions, I could no longer make acquaintance and establish contact with the subject as easily as before. To do this, I took out fragments of memories from my memory of how I used to react to this or that circumstance and tried to reproduce the facial expressions, gestures that I remembered, in addition to this, I carefully observed other people, copied the behavior that seemed “optimal” for this situation, watched films and memorized the movements of the actors in order to reproduce at the right moment and be “like everyone else”. My brain worked like a machine around the clock. Everything had to be kept under control so as not to betray oneself.

I learned to see people "through". Later I learned that this is called cold empathy, i.e. to see the weaknesses of the people that I used for my own purposes. In fact, it didn't quite work that way. I saw the desires of people, their goals and hopes, their inner core and skillfully adjusted to them, putting on the mask that they would like to see. I changed masks very easily: I could be a confident “successful” man, an immediately feeling young man, a merry fellow, etc. It was also easy for me to switch between emotions: just now I was furious and in a minute I could smile as if nothing had happened. In general, I despised all sorts of weaknesses, as well as emotions, believing that they make people vulnerable (childhood trauma).

Unlike other narcissists, however, I was not completely devoid of empathy, in other words, empathy. If in childhood, as I already said, I did not experience any emotions, causing pain to animals, only curiosity, then when I had a dog, I began to sincerely worry if she was sick, even sometimes cried; the strangest thing, but these were REAL feelings, strong, overwhelmed me, but then the “defense mechanism” worked and they disappeared again.

I filled my inner emptiness by feeding on the attention, emotions of people, sucking all the juice out of them. It was the narcissistic resource I so badly needed. Getting used to it was immediately, it's like a drug. Having received a sufficient dose, I felt myself on a pedestal, on top of the world - omnipotent, I can do everything! Also, suddenly, after a certain period of time, I felt like a complete nonentity, incapable of anything. Such mood swings haunted me several times during the day.

I began to study psychological literature and realized who I had become. But I did not begin to look for a solution to this problem, I only began to hone my skills in manipulating and subjugating people, realizing how savvy victims can be. I loved to read Gogol and Dostoevsky, no matter how they showed all the vices of the human soul, all its hidden corners, weaknesses and illnesses. Year after year, I honed my predatory skills, led the psychologists of the military registration and enlistment office by the nose for 9 years, never avoiding subpoenas. I felt and manipulated even them very well, what can we say about ordinary girls? (I state as an event of past years, understand correctly - without a hint of boasting, because this is completely inappropriate and there is nothing to be proud of here).

How I used people, mostly, of course, girls, I will not describe, because. now I consciously give an account that my actions have no justification. I can only say that I have never used physical force on girls - I still have no idea about honor. Everything was typical for a narcissist, all the stages have been repeatedly described in previous posts and there was nothing out of the ordinary. The same attraction-repulsion in relationships, disappearances for several days without calls, idealization of the object and depreciation, blurring of personal boundaries, "cold shower", "juicer" and "utilization" - I did all this to the fullest. Someone managed to get off the hook earlier, someone did not.

I also had a "hobby" that 100% guaranteed to be pumped by the Nartsresurs at any time. With some girls I communicated exclusively in social networks. I wrote poems to them, had interesting conversations and thus received signs of their attention. Many could not part with the idea that I would never meet them and for years they could not start a relationship, although we only communicated on social networks, they were so dependent.

I hinted at some and even said directly what kind of person I was. I gave a detailed lecture to one girl, gave a whole list of classical literature and films about daffodils, she was very interested in listening, but she still refused to understand what I was saying to her. Then he said in plain text who I really am, received the answer - "Oh, you are an eloquent sucker." Wonderful! Although there were no stupid girls on my list.

Even having learned what kind of person I was, many could not leave me, they were dependent, just as I could not break off relations, because. also depended on the supply of a narcissistic resource. I do not consider it necessary to describe all the details, since having overcome this ailment, I no longer find such behavior an achievement, only a shameful past, a stain, for which I am very ashamed and regretful. I repeat that this immoral behavior is not subject to any justification.

But I did not immediately come to such thoughts. A gradually growing feeling of inner emptiness began to overcome me, I will not describe the torments that I experienced, I can only say that I began to try to find a way out of this situation, because I understood that you would not go far on the supply of a narcissistic resource. There were 2 options in front of me: the first one is to continue doing what I already knew how to do well, or try to regain my old life, with all the colors, full of emotions, to live like a person.

As a person… This expression alone made me laugh, I despised people for their weaknesses, it was a blow below the belt to compare me with everyone, just this thought made me sick, I hated myself for it. However, I vaguely, but still remembered what it was like to live by feelings, to have a rich life; it was like an echo, a distant, hazy memory.

Meanwhile, time passed and I realized that I was morally dying, burning to the ground, and the farther, the worse, there might not be a way back. And I made a choice.

It was a crazy, desperate move for me to try to reclaim myself, to become who I once was, to find my inner self, to restore my life and with it myself. To begin with, it was necessary to “patch” this black hole inside, which turned out to be very difficult. Any distractions, occupations - everything fell into this abyss, eluded me. Nothing could interest me. In addition, I understood how much I had degraded, and looking in the mirror I saw that I was also terribly exhausted. He still felt an acute craving for the Nartsresurs. However, he didn't give up.

I knew, as in any addiction, time is needed, cravings are just a process of recovery and praised myself for not doing nasty things to people, not pumping out energy from anyone else. I got up and tried to enjoy a sunny day, a simple walk - nothing came of it. I was empty, dead inside. I didn't feel joy. The stone wall inside me was so thick that it was impossible to overcome it. Every day I fought with myself, breaking this whole narcissistic mechanism in my head, this damned wall, inside I just screamed, I wanted to feel at least something again.

I began to be afraid of myself, afraid of who I had become, it began to seem that I could not recover. But I still didn't give up. Step by step, I broke this wall, then fell exhausted and slept for the rest of the day. There was not enough energy for anything else. Gradually, over a year of stubborn struggle, the wall began to collapse and several times for a short time I was spontaneously covered with surging feelings, but I didn’t have to rejoice for a long time, just as suddenly they disappeared and everything returned to the previous one. By that time, the craving for nartsresurs had almost disappeared and the hole inside me began to close, I again felt support, more strength appeared, a desire to do something.

Now, thanks to the inner struggle, reinforced by knowledge and introspection of my past, I feel myself again, my feelings have partially recovered. At first, I had to control myself, every step I took, so as not to harm people, not to drain energy from them.

I was afraid of interest from the opposite sex: I tried to understand if they were hooked, but healthy self-esteem returned to me again. Every day I communicate more freely, more naturally, communication skills are returning to me. I learned again to build healthy relationships with people based on the mutual exchange of resources and respect for each other. Now I began to enjoy a normal life, the very thought of who I was became disgusting and disgusting to me.

It was not easy for me to write all this. To accept myself as I was - required some work and reflection. Now I am satisfied with my new life, I have learned to love myself, and, consequently, loved ones. I hope to decide on my life path, but until my “I” is finally formed, it remains difficult for me. With my mother, I set clear boundaries. Now I feel like an independent person.

I've been living in this new state for six months now. Mental health improves exponentially. This is facilitated by my companion, of course, she does not know who I was. The paradox is that usually I instantly idealized the object, I didn’t have such that I didn’t like the object, and then my attitude towards it gradually changed for the better. Everything was abrupt - this is the girl who will always be with me! Or: here it is, the work of my whole life! And then, as a result, the process of depreciation began.

Here, the person did not make a big impression on me at first, and then relations began to develop, we began to get to know each other, I began to appreciate her personal qualities, her relationship with me, etc. I have a completely different perspective on what is happening. Self-esteem is still falling, but not as much and often as before

Sometimes I remember who I was, this part is still sitting in me, I can’t get rid of it completely. But now I see and feel any manipulations against me from the outside, and in order to see a narcissist, I don’t need to wait for “bells”, now I have a “scent” for abnormal personalities (after all, once I myself was like that), and they see me as a wolf with filed fangs, bypass me.

Summing up, I would like to note that the ability to accept yourself as you are is important, being a narcissist, it was hard for me to take on the idea that I am also a person like everyone else (to this I added that yes, I am a person, but with talents that need to be developed in order to be better), you need to stop lying to yourself (simple truths, right?) and not be afraid to look your vices in the face.

Growing up children of narcissists are very much oriented towards the opinions of others. At the same time, it seems to them that others think badly of them, see their inferiority. And if, suddenly, they are treated well, then they just haven’t yet seen the catch and terrible negative qualities. Or they just lie to hurt you.

As has been written and said more than once, living with daffodils is not a joy. It is especially unhappy for a child to live in a family where there is at least one daffodil. The second parent can also be a narcissist, because few people can maintain a relationship with this type of personality for a sufficiently long time. Individuals who have grown up next to narcissists are called co-narcissists. Those. those that are "attached" to the narcissist are an integral part of them.

Co-narcissists are people who grew up next to narcissists.

A child's personality is formed under constant conditions of neglect from parents, but with a regular bombardment of his self-esteem and self-perception. This is to ensure that the narcissistic parent maintains their own perception of grandeur and grandiosity.

You can't argue with that, he's smarter, more socially skilled, and physically stronger. To this, usually, the parent adds other fantasy qualities and facts from the past, with which the child is regularly reproached. The parent keeps saying that at the age at which the child is now, he was many times better in all areas. But the child came out unsightly.

In such families, it is customary to "ground the child." First, offer him to do something, and when everything really starts to work out for him, the child is happy and proud of himself, tell him that the product of his activity is complete. “I thought that your hands were growing from a soft spot. There was NOTHING to even start.”

Over time, the child tries not to catch the eye of his parents at all, so as not to rake for something. Moreover, it’s never clear why you’re raking b. He is sure that he does everything badly, and for this he is punished. Such children have a couple of tried and tested strategies that allow their parents to like him without running into a scandal. Any deviation from this algorithm threatens with a catastrophe.

At a certain age, parental words are the child's only source of knowledge about himself. Basically, in the dry residue, the belief “I am nothing” is formed. This attitude towards oneself, as a rule, subsequently remains for many years and leaves its mark on the whole future life.

Growing up children of narcissists are very much oriented towards the opinions of others. At the same time, it seems to them that others think badly of them, see their inferiority. And if, suddenly, they are treated well, then they just haven’t yet seen the catch and terrible negative qualities. Or they just lie to hurt you.

• they are rigid in communication. They try to please safely, “probe” the interlocutor, whether he is annoyed by their presence.
• at the slightest sign of negativity, even if they have nothing to do with a co-narcissist, or a mismatch, resentment and escape.
• in general they are very touchy, any word in a conversation can be attributed to oneself and become discouraged. There may be another reaction - aggression, tears.
• constantly absorbed in themselves and the analysis of their feelings and experiences, which are in the nature of "chewing" thoughts. They endlessly dig into themselves something terrible, shameful, twist their findings in their heads for weeks, or even years. They are looking for “crystal clarity” of what is happening, but as a rule, they very quickly stray from productive work to empty psychological fermentation in a circle.
• blame others for their misadventures. They, co-narcissists, of course, are insignificant, defective, but others are to blame for this. This is often true, but the facts of child abuse are excessive and constantly chewed up, pulled on any situation. Didn't they give you candy? This is because childhood was unhappy.
• those people who act out of tune with their desires and needs become villains in their eyes. Co-narcissists often think of the terrible intentions and thoughts of others. Co-narcissists are masters of self-winding and developing the theme of inner shame. In their head, at any free moment, a fantasy or a memory unfolds, how shameful and shameful it was. This can be very ingenious. Even a neutral event can turn out to be a terrible failure, for which it is infinitely ashamed.
• they have a hard time with empathy. Only those in whom they see their experiences can empathize. At the same time, emotions are extremely deep, even with complete identification of oneself with suffering.
• it is very difficult for them to take responsibility for themselves and their lives. As a child, it was useless. Because no matter how you turn, you will still be bad. It's better to be bad on the spot. Simply terry and seasoned self-sabotage is connected with this.
• they seek ideal relationships with others so that their needs are constantly and accurately met. They need an over-approving person to constantly talk to about the horrors of childhood, about what a co-narcissist might have become if not for their parents. Any proposals to do something already, to start changing are considered as a betrayal.

The changes are pretty hard. It is not easy to work with such people. After the stage of analysis of cases of domestic violence, a person can go into a deaf defense and get out of it after a very long period of time. Partly because being a victim of child abuse can be a relief in his situation. After all, it was not me who was bad, but my parents. Any movement forward can threaten with new disappointments. Moving is scary, much scarier than being stuck in a zone of despair and resentment towards your parents.

But, a necessary step in solving this problem is to start taking responsibility for your life. Take action and make choices. Gain your own experience and evaluate yourself by the results of actions. This is the growing up that did not happen in childhood and must be passed through.published.

Natalia Stilson

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

People who suffer from narcissism seek control and power, so trying to change the situation and gain control over a narcissistic personality is not an easy task. Start by getting on his or her side to avoid any personality defenses that the narcissistic person might otherwise use. After that, you can start using various communication techniques to convince the narcissist to do things your way. Either way, you need to keep your own temperament in check to stop the narcissistic person from controlling you.

Steps

Take the side of the narcissist

Listen a lot. The narcissist needs to be the center of attention. Be prepared to be the host in most conversations. Although not simple enough hear what the narcissist says. You also need to show that you are active listening.

• Just smiling and nodding won't be enough. To actually woo the narcissist, you need to respond to what he or she says in a way that demonstrates how attentive you are.
• Watch the narcissist's reactions. If the way you have engaged a person seems unsatisfactory, you will soon know about it.

1. Praise sincerely. Narcissistic personalities think they are great whether you say it or not. But that doesn't mean they don't like hearing compliments from others. If you praise them, still try to sound as sincere as possible.

   Use the non-accusatory form of "I". From time to time in your life there may be quarrels with a narcissist. This person is likely to be offended if you brazenly criticize him or her, but this does not mean that you need to completely back off. When you point out what the narcissist has done wrong, simply frame it as a personal and subjective opinion, not an accusation.

2. Admit problems, but don't take the blame. If the narcissist is upset with you, deal with the problem by directly naming it. Instead of accepting blame for these difficulties, explain that you have a different opinion on this matter.

   • For example, if you're working with a narcissist on a report at work and some numbers don't add up, don't say, "You were in charge of the calculations, so it's your fault, not mine." There is a chance that this person thinks that this is your fault, and may even voice it. In this case, you need to respond with something like: "So you think that I am responsible for this confusion. I do not see the situation that way, so I do not consider it necessary to take the blame for this."

   Persuading a Narcissist to Do Something Your Way

   1. Set frames by hiding them under the guise of compliments. When the narcissist starts behaving in a way you don't like, point out that behavior, explaining how much better the positive quality of the narcissist would be if that behavior were changed. Emphasize the positive quality, not the bad behavior.

      • Narcissistic personalities tend to invade your personal space without even realizing that they are doing something wrong. This comes from the belief that all others exist to serve them.
      • For example, don't say something like, "Stop bothering me! I don't have time for this." Instead, say something like: "You are very intellectually stimulating, but I appreciate your insight and intelligence more when you stop at my table once or twice a day, rather than five or six times."

   2. Focus on solutions. If you need to inform the narcissist about a decision that has recently been made, place as little emphasis on the problem as possible and emphasize decisions already made. Narcissists tend to come back to the problem and come up with their own solutions. So if you want to save time and avoid controversy, you need to keep the narcissist from focusing on the problem.

      • The same principle can be applied when you have only possible options instead of one hard decision. Present your likely solutions to the narcissist and only then explain the problem they are designed to solve.

   3. Avoid direct calls. Direct doubts about the correctness of the narcissist's opinion are likely to be perceived as a threat to his or her authority. Once you challenge his or her authority, you are more likely to make the narcissistic person cling to it more than before.

      • Directly saying: “I don’t like your taste” or “Let's not do what you want”, you provoke a serious conflict. Don't criticize the narcissist whenever possible. When this is not possible, keep your criticism as subtle as possible so that the narcissist does not become defensive.

   4. Don't play blame game. When something goes wrong, don't point at the narcissist - even when it's his or her fault - and don't let the narcissist point at you. Immediately stop any discussion of guilt by immediately redirecting the narcissist's attention to something else. The narcissist's ego won't allow even a hint that he or she is the guilty party, so you'd better avoid this kind of discussion entirely.

      • Building on the previous example, consider a situation in which the sales numbers don't add up because of the narcissist. This individual will not take the blame and will probably try to shift it onto you. After you quickly defend your belief that the error is not your fault, turn the conversation in a different direction - say that now it is more important to worry about correcting the error.
      • This method will work even more effectively if you find a way to compliment the narcissistic person when you translate the conversation. For example, you might say something like, “Whatever happened, the numbers are wrong and need to be corrected. I know that things will go more smoothly and quickly if you help me with your insight."

   5. Convince the narcissist that it will benefit him or her. One of the easiest ways to convince a narcissistic person to choose a certain course of action is to assume that it will benefit them. The narcissistic mind perceives everything in terms of its own interests, so it is logical that everything that is good for the narcissist is good in general.

      • To be even more effective, understand what the narcissist is most proud of and appeal to that quality.
      • For example, if the narcissist is particularly pleased with his mind and you need to convince him to adopt a certain work strategy, talk about other smart people who have made similar decisions in other companies and have great success. At the same time, mention others who did not accept such changes and ended up being fools. Thus, the narcissist may perceive this strategy as another way of demonstrating the superiority of his intellect.

   6. Give the narcissist a choice. Since the narcissistic personality needs a sense of control, you need to make that person believe that he or she has power over the decision-making process in any situation. Instead of telling the narcissist that he or she must do something, ask the narcissist which of several options he or she would preferred.

      • For example, instead of saying, "We're going to have a project discussion on a Tuesday afternoon at 3 pm," ask, "What time would you like to have a project discussion on Tuesday afternoon?"

   7. Let the narcissist rest on their laurels. Everyone who knows a narcissist knows that he or she usually takes credit for the decision, even if someone else comes to it. As annoying as it is, whenever possible, give the narcissist the opportunity. In fact, another very effective way to convince narcissists to do things your way is to trick him or her into thinking that everything is being done the way they want.

      • If you are worried that your accomplishments will go unnoticed in front of someone important - a leader, for example - try talking to this person in private about how everything really happened.
      • At first, you may lose people's trust, but over time, as more people in your social or professional group begin to recognize the narcissist, they will realize that the narcissistic person doesn't do half of what they brag about. Once this understanding is established, many will begin to see between the lines and notice that it is you who came to the decision, not the narcissist.

The purpose of the book is to explain the reasons for the behavior of such people and show how they need to be contacted in order to reduce the degree of tension. The author earnestly requests that this information be used only for peaceful purposes, and not for making insulting diagnoses. Treat colleagues with empathy and understanding, try to make communication as fruitful as possible.

And now let's get acquainted with the world of eccentrics. Let's start with narcissists - the main candidates for "nuts" at work. These are emotional, defiant, eccentric, self-centered and unpredictable people. But what lies behind the mask of self-confidence?

Who are narcissists

We need faith in ourselves and our capabilities in order to dream, plan for the future, set goals and achieve them. But an over-inflated ego is extreme. Surely you have met people who are completely unable to take criticism, fixated on themselves, arrogant, arrogant and smug.

The narcissist gives the impression of a person who is confident in his superiority over the rest. He always talks only about himself, his merits and achievements, he is not interested in other people. Considering himself underestimated, he is always waiting for praise, asking for compliments and trying to get others to finally recognize his outstanding qualities.

The narcissist can talk endlessly about himself: “I have done this”, “I have this”, “I am going to get something”. He seems to be calling: “Pay attention to me!”

Sometimes narcissistic employees become completely uncontrollable: they can insult colleagues, raise their voices, throw objects in fits of anger and at the same time feel no guilt.

All the actions of such people are aimed at inflating self-esteem. By putting others down, they feel more important. By blaming others for their failures, they get rid of doubts about their own competence. For narcissists, the very idea that they can be wrong about something is unbearable.

Oddly enough, such a model of behavior is formed on the basis of strong self-doubt. Imagine what a narcissist's childhood could have been like. Probably, status and achievement were most valued in his family. Parents set the bar too high for him, constantly criticized him for not meeting the ideal, and forgot about the most important thing - the emotional support of the child.

Deep down, narcissists are very vulnerable. Their behavior is a defensive reaction that allows them to preserve their fragile self-esteem and emphasize their own importance. They are afraid that they will not live up to expectations and will turn out to be not so wonderful at all. Hence the sharp rejection of any criticism, belittling other people's merits, resentment, outbursts of rage and a desire to be in the spotlight.

No matter how confident they look, their behavior does not bring them joy. Internal struggle, dissatisfaction, emptiness - that's what they live with.

The narcissist may take credit for the successes achieved by the whole team, and, on the contrary, shift the blame for failures to others. He is able to quickly climb the career ladder, as he easily convinces everyone of his professionalism. But working with such a boss is incredibly difficult. In a leadership position, he behaves as if there are only two points of view: his and the wrong one.

A narcissistic leader may yell, intimidate, violate job descriptions, and behave unfairly. He is sure that he has every right to do so, -

In the pursuit of high status, the narcissist may curry favor with the leadership and in all ways seek the favor of influential people. For the same reason, he breaks off old acquaintances if he considers that they harm his reputation (for example, having received a promotion, he stops dining in the company of former colleagues).

Hostility, arrogance and arrogance are traits common to most narcissists. But sometimes narcissistic people show themselves in a completely different way. For example, they spend a lot of time making friends with colleagues. However, their goal is still the same - to endlessly inflate their own self-esteem. They too obsessively seek the sympathy and approval of others, try to please everyone, constantly talk about themselves and wait for assurances of their impeccability. The problem is that this behavior annoys everyone.

How to deal with narcissists

So, what to do if you recognize your colleague in this description? There are several strategies to reduce stress when dealing with a narcissist:

1. Do not skimp on compliments, praise this person, celebrate the merits and achievements, emphasize his importance. Of course, without any irony. By fueling the narcissist's ego, you can avoid insults and sudden outbursts of anger from him. Be prepared for concessions. Remember: such a colleague is able to make life hell for anyone who dares to object to him.

2. If you want to reprimand him or ask for something, wrap your words in a compliment. For example, you can remind them of deadlines like this: “I can’t wait until Thursday to finally see your presentation! You must have a lot of interesting ideas." And so to hint at inappropriate behavior: “Your performance was very informative. You've laid it all out nicely. But maybe you shouldn't have called all of your colleagues' questions stupid. It offends people and prevents them from absorbing the important information that you want to convey to them.

When communicating with a narcissist, it is necessary to soften criticism with something positive, otherwise he will see in your words only an insult and a threat to his self-esteem.

3. Pay more attention to it. Do not forget to wish him good morning and a good weekend, because the lack of interest in his person can also be perceived as an insult. In addition, respond immediately to his requests. Ignoring a letter from a narcissist or not going into his office at the first call is a sure way to ruin your relationship with him. No matter how annoying you are that you are forced to indulge him, it is better than to endure harassment, humiliation and other vengeful antics later.

Keep your emotions in check and try to avoid spontaneous reactions when dealing with a narcissist.

5. Although the narcissist is not interested in the emotions of others, try to explain to him how he affects people. It is important not to blame him, but to say something like: “Can you imagine how she felt at the moment when you called her an empty head? What if someone told you so? Offer to look at the situation through the eyes of another person. This sometimes works, especially if you insert a remark between pleasantries.

6. Show the narcissist that no one expects perfection from him. It can be noted that he is engaged in a really complex project. At the same time, it is important not to single him out from the team and not give him reason to feel underestimated. For example, say casually: “We are all a little nervous about these deadlines. Personally, I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with everything.” Hearing such a phrase, he will experience relief and weaken his self-defense.

7. Try to transfer the narcissist to a position where short-term human contact is expected. He can be quite successful in sales and consulting where there is a steady stream of clients. For him, this is better than being surrounded all the time by those who are forced to endure his terrible character every day.

8. If the situation has gone too far (for example, to throwing stools), the manager must clearly explain to the narcissist that such behavior is unacceptable and the next conflict is fraught with problems - demotion, reduction in salary, and even dismissal. In some cases, the only right decision is to part with the problem employee.

Each of us has the ability to contribute to a healthy work environment. You may be insanely annoyed by someone's behavior, but always ask yourself if you've tried to make things better. Sometimes elementary sympathy for a person is enough to see everything in a different light.

P.S. Your negative reaction may mean that you yourself have traits that you dislike in others. If certain people evoke too strong emotions in you, do not forget to look in the mirror.

To be continued…

How often did an accusation fly into your head after a coffee cup: “You only think about yourself! Egoist! Narcissus!"? Now, instead of getting into an argument with another woman who thinks you're narcissistic, just slip her this article. Believe me, she has no idea what real selfishness is.

I live with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What does it mean? First, it took a lot of effort for me not to put my real name under this article. After all, even a repentant story about how unbearable I am for my relatives would flatter my sick pride. Second: only I (okay, and another 1% of the male population of developed countries) really have the right to be called a narcissist and an egoist. (From the administrator: according to the most modest statistics, 5%, but more and more often it is said that this figure is underestimated and we are dealing with an epidemic) My diagnosis is, in fact, the medical definition of egoism.

I brought to depression - real, clinical - two of my failed wives. (From adm.: poor thing) Therapists are reluctant to work with me, afraid of hurting their own psyche in the first place. (From adm.: Yes, you are a real monster, unrealistically cool). I need to take pills just to not act like a scum (and yes, at the end of the article I will reveal the secret of what these wonderful pills are). And I will also pass on my egoism by inheritance with a gigantic probability. Like this. (From adm.: poor thing) And what your women are offended by is most likely a healthy indifference, well, or is there the usual redneck ... (From adm.: You are rare, special, yeah)

Here's my confession. If you find the same thing - welcome to the ranks of NRL carriers! If not, then thank God, believe me.

5 Signs You Have NPD

All this information can, in principle, be gleaned from the Internet, but I have flourished it with examples ... In addition, not a single real egoist voluntarily admits that he is sick and does not get into the Internet to read something supposedly about himself. At least not before the onset of personality decompensation, when the disease itself becomes a self-object ... stop! My five signs are also different in that I do not use buzzwords that are really only confusing.

Sign 1. Do you have empathy issues?

Sympathy, willingness to help, concern for others - not that the owner of the NRL was completely deprived of all this. The narcissist understands what his interlocutor is thinking (sometimes better than himself). But - it understands, but does not feel! Putting yourself in the place of another person is already an impossible task for him. For example, I usually know that they are worried about me. I can see that they are not happy with me. However, the emotions of the interlocutor, whether it be a girlfriend, cohabitant or even a mother, are an empty phrase for me. I do not experience TOGETHER with people. And therefore I cannot “discharge” them - give them what they achieve by expressing this or that emotion. To say what they want to hear from me, I still somehow can. But to support a quarrel with screams, when a person wants to scream ... Or stroke his hair and pat on the shoulder ... I don’t know how. If only by chance.

At the same time, I'm not some cracker with whiskey with ice instead of a heart, like Kai from a children's fairy tale. I can cry over The Green Mile and The Lion King, I can be restless when it's two in the morning and someone doesn't answer the phone and I don't know where. But in order to feel anxiety for another, I have to “wind”, “tighten” or, as they say, “irritate” myself. But even then my emotions are only an appearance, a tribute to social etiquette. I really don't care. Even when the little lion cub tugs on his dead dad's ear and cries, "Get up, let's go!"

I am by no means proud of this feature of my psyche. I'm ashamed of her. And by the way…

Sign 2. You often feel ashamed

Not guilt, but shame - this is important! Because guilt is when you're having fun in the family bed with an intern from the legal department, and your wife suddenly walks in the door. And shame is when you are having fun on the same bed with the same trainee, your wife is definitely in Istanbul, but the thought is still in your head: “What am I doing? What if the wife comes in ?!

Shame is always mixed with fear: "What will they think of me?" They laugh nearby, and you tensed up: isn’t it over you? This is a typical manifestation of NPD ... In the early stages of the disorder, shame and fear provoke only real failures or strong feelings on the topic "have I pierced." So, it is difficult for a novice narcissist to cheat on his wife: shame is so strong that it can cause erectile dysfunction (leave it out of the box, how do I know this).

It's hard to take criticism. It's hard to hear jokes addressed to you, even the most harmless ones. For example, I still remember all the jokes addressed to me over the past 20 years! Especially one. At work, someone asked: “There is someone’s book “How to live with a small penis” on the table, Igor, yours?” It is clear that such a book does not exist. It is clear that even if she had been lying on the table, she would not have been mine. But the instantly rolling shame “what if someone thinks that this is true” does not go away for years, destroying the psyche. Narcissus is first and foremost a Samoyed. A seemingly cynical snake that secretly constantly eats its own tail.

If treatment is not started in time, the disorder drags its owner into such a black thicket of shame, where any stump begins to seem like a terrible monster. Simply put, over time, you begin to react painfully to the most innocent remarks. You stop doing something for fear of making a mistake and feeling ashamed of a future puncture. You drive the intern out into the street in the middle of the night in only her underwear and throw the family sheets into the wash - although no one even stained them that evening ...

Worse, the realization that you are entangled in the chains of shame itself begins to provoke shame: what if someone finds out that I am helpless and cannot cope with myself? This recursion can continue indefinitely.

Sign 3. You can't conflict

In essence, this is a consequence of the features already listed. The narcissist all the time, on the one hand, does not guess other people's emotions, and on the other hand, he tries to understand what they think of him. This creates an insidious, albeit rather stupid, trap. Narcissus, as our president's speechwriter would say, is a typical "tolerant". He is able to marry an unloved woman. Travel to hateful relatives. Bend under a stupid boss. And all this - out of fear that they will think badly about him when he tries to change the situation. A person with NPD is afraid of being thrown in the face with an “ungrateful pig!” - and as a result endures such treatment of himself, which turns out to be more traumatic than rebellion, conflict.

On the other hand, when the narcissist nevertheless finds himself in a situation where he does not depend on the opinion of the conditional “opponent”, he brings down on him such anger that he did not deserve! Fortunately, at the beginning of my adult life, I realized that asserting myself at the expense of waiters was “not cool”. However, before the start of treatment, I often caught myself talking too rudely with a taxi driver or secretary. Yes, and domestic despotism was not alien to me ... Fortunately, this is one of the most easily corrected symptoms. Unfortunately, he is not the only one.

Sign 4. You are always dissatisfied with something

This feeling should not be confused with perfectionism, a craving for excellence. A perfectionist has a clear ideal, a plan, a scheme in his head. For example: an article about NPD should be six pages long, five signs should be listed, then the treatment regimen, etc. Having imagined such an ideal, a perfectionist will be dissatisfied with himself only if he cannot achieve it. “Well, Danila-master, doesn’t a stone flower come out?” is perfectionism.

At the same time, the narcissist, the clinical egoist, is dissatisfied in principle. Not only by the results of your work, but also by everyone around you - and first of all by yourself. Salary, sporting achievements, another girlfriend's foot size - all this irritates and even infuriates the narcissist, not because "it could be better." And because of the constant awareness that it can be OTHERWISE. You have probably experienced this feeling in its small manifestations. For example, when you are trailing in the tail of a half-dead traffic jam, it always seems that the next row is going a little better, a little faster. Here you go. And I always have. For any reason. Yes, I'm dating a model. Well, he could - with a gymnast! Not that the model is bad ... Although ...

Everything that the narcissist has already achieved is instantly devalued. Everything that cannot be obtained right now, on the contrary, is idealized. I am like a child who was let into a toy store and told: take what you want, but you can take one thing. Any situation of choice destroys the psyche. Makes me wonder if I made the wrong choice.

Most often, the narcissist begins to "sort out" women. Why - science does not yet know. Personality disorder guru Nancy McWilliams believes that the narcissist cripples the psyche of women because he does not know how to get rid of them in time. To extend the toy analogy, you love your new car. But you know, they won't buy you a new one until this one breaks. And as soon as feelings for the toy begin to weaken, you break it yourself in order to get a new one faster. There is even a name for this: Don Juan syndrome. Of course, not every womanizer is a narcissist. However, if this is so - well, as they say, lock up your daughters ...

Sign 5. You don't have a true inner self

The most terrible secret that is unlikely to be revealed to you at the first session of psychotherapy. All of the above signs are, in essence, symptoms, side effects. But the fifth sign is the root of the disorder. And the secret lies in the fact that there really is no narcissist! ..

That is, there is nothing inside the personality that would constitute its core. The narcissist is brought up (see below) in such conditions that in the place that in other adults is occupied by his own "I", he has a black hole, a funnel closed on itself. An emptiness that feeds self-doubt - and a doubt that sucks everything good and good out of the emptiness. The whole life of a narcissist is an illusion. All the objects of his pride are the external attributes of fame, wealth, success.

In psychiatry, this is called the "external locus of self-esteem." Not being able - at least without treatment - to be proud of himself and love himself, the narcissist creates the so-called self-objects. These are completely external things, people, phenomena with which the carrier of NPD associates himself. "I work in a cool design bureau" - instead of "I'm a designer." “And this is me in front of my car” - instead of just “and this is me.” "I'm dating a gymnast" - instead of "thank you, everything is fine with my personal life." All of these are typical NRL formulations.

For the time being, creating dozens of such self-objects is easy. Narcissus can even give the impression of a super-successful minion of fate and almost a child prodigy. Ah, he is the winner of Olympiads in seven subjects! Ah, he was awarded such and such a medal at the age of fifteen! Ah, he is the youngest winner of anything in history! Don't be deceived: these are all just attempts to fill a void. At some point, the mechanism for creating self-objects breaks down - this becomes the moment when a recently healthy narcissist (there are some, although this is a temporary stage) gets upset.

This is where the name of the disease comes from. As you probably remember from Kuhn's Myths of Ancient Greece, Narcissus's problem wasn't just that he fell in love with his own reflection and died from it. Self-admiration is still half the trouble. In fact, Narcissus was under a curse: he was doomed to love an object that was unable to return his love! So appreciate the evil wit of the psychotherapists who came up with the name for my disorder. I idealize objects, pump them up with my self-esteem - and as a result I create a false "I", based, for example, on work, money, relationships, well-being.

And then, at the very first crisis, I understand that all these years there was a cold something in front of me, flowing through my fingers along with my self-esteem.

How is it treated

First and foremost, under the supervision of a doctor! Self-medication is generally contraindicated in personality disorders, and even more so in narcissistic ones. Besides, not a single dealer, let alone wine supermarkets, will still have the assortment of magical elixirs that a psychiatrist owns.

Take at least alimemazine antipsychotics. Of course, this is not the best assistant in business: the feeling is that carpet bombing was suddenly allowed in a pillow fight - and you were covered with about three tons of caked fluff. There is fog in the eyes, the head is wadded, the movements are slow. But! No Don Juan syndrome (such nonsense as women simply does not bother, except in a dream - if you suddenly forget to take an evening pill). No sense of shame. And most importantly, no desire to attract attention to yourself, to get a surrogate for love: no tricks, no scandals, no self-criticism, no accomplishments ... Hmmm, a miserable semblance of a former life. But I warned you: you better not find signs of NPD in yourself.

Of course, neuroleptics alone are not enough. Following them, antidepressants, nootropics, and psychostimulants are sent into the furnace of a broken body. The complexity of the cocktail and the intensity of intraday sensations depend on whether you still need to work in the process of treatment - or you prudently sold your assets or simply quit with an entry in your work: "Due to extreme intolerance" ...

One way or another, the pharmacological period is only a prelude to a long and mutual brainstorming, which you will be doing with a psychotherapist in the next year (minimum). At the same time, it is pointless to choose a prettier specialist, because in a couple of months he will probably refuse you anyway. But maybe the second or third will sooner or later discover the cause of the disorder, which - no surprise here - most likely dates back to childhood. In my treatment, this moment has not yet arrived. Therefore, I am still able to write with narcissism about my sore.

How to water daffodils

Since NPD begins in childhood, I recommend reading Alice Miller's "The Drama of a Gifted Child": even a healthy person will find himself in it, and the book is read almost faster than the instructions for an air freshener. Miller believes that narcissism in a healthy, rudimentary form is characteristic of most children. Using their example, we will consider how to deal with small narcissistic bastards so that big bastards and intractable bastards do not grow out of them.

1. If a child shows signs of narcissism, the worst thing you can do with him is to start loving, encouraging and praising him not just like that, but for SOMETHING. “What, you’re not a man, can’t you cast a lure normally?”, “If you don’t wash behind your ears, not a single girl will even look at you”, “Well, how many fives did you bring today?” These and similar phrases get stuck like nails not only in the brain, but also in the lid of the coffin. A coffin in which the true "I" of the future narcissist will writhe in agony. Just love a child. Whatever he brought from school, even chlamydia.
2. Play ahead of the narcissist. If a child brings you a plasticine craft or shouts: “Dad, look how I can” and “Mom, mom, I masturbate without hands!” - that means it's a mess. He ALREADY didn't get any attention. Do you remember the feeling of shame and eternal discontent? Giving compliments to a narcissist only when he himself asks for them will only give him reason to suspect that he is doing something WRONG. They don't praise me?.. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing? Maybe I'm not crying out loud enough for lack of attention? Maybe something needs to be blown up in this house so that dad can break away from the TV and chase me a little? .. If you “water” a narcissist without waiting for him to dry, his craving for self-expression can be channeled into a healthy direction.
3. The narcissist needs to be taught to speak in time. Not in the sense of all sorts of “but how does the cow speak? That's right: mu-mu. We are talking about a more complex process of articulating emotions. When you talk to a child who is a candidate for NPD, a complex bouquet of shame, resentment, conspiracy theories, dissatisfaction (with himself and you), fear and a thirst for greatness ALWAYS blooms in his head. If you teach a child to freely express these feelings already at the age of 7–10–12, you will save the life of not only him, but also that poor fellow, whom he would eventually bring to depression. The main thing is to show that the child HAS the RIGHT to resentment, anger, jealousy, disobedience. Remind more often that people may not always be good. Moreover, they SHOULD NOT be like that. If the narcissist learns to love not only his beautiful reflection in the water, but also the back of his head and his hairy back, this will save him. Well, or at least delay the first intake of alimemazine for a couple of years ...

Well, what about adult daffodils, you ask? How to be with the narcissistic girlfriend? Well, in fact, she will have to be dealt with in the same way as with a painfully self-obsessed child. With one difference: from a woman, unlike a child, you can escape in time. And that is exactly what I recommend you do if you suspect that you have come across a genuine narcissist. Jokes aside.