What to do when there are scandals in the family. What to do if scandals in the family become permanent? What to do if scandals become permanent
The spouse is constantly angry, and often even for no reason, starts up because of every little thing, is rude, as a result of which life together becomes more and more unbearable every day. And yet, despite this, you still live together, because you love him and do not want to part with him. But it is no longer possible to live with constant scandals and quarrels. How to prevent a quarrel or reduce it to nothing?
To live life is not a field to cross. This phrase can be transferred to family relationships. It is no secret that in life there are simply no families in which there would never be quarrels between spouses. It's unpleasant, but true. Moreover, this phenomenon is inevitable. Only some couples after a quarrel may not talk for a long time, while for others this phenomenon results in a grandiose scandal with breaking dishes. By the way, quarrels tend to arise from scratch (because of garbage not taken out, a dirty plate, dirty socks scattered around the apartment, or just ordinary fatigue, jealousy, etc.). Regardless of the cause, conflicts appear all the time, as a result of which people regularly and diligently swear, and then deeply regret it. Why is this still happening? And what to do in this case?
Reasons for quarrels.
In our dreams of married life, we envision it as a lifelong passionate and romantic relationship. But in fact, life makes its own adjustments. Over time, romance evaporates from the relationship of people who once passionately loved each other, giving way to endless everyday problems that put pressure on the nerves so much. And at one fine moment, a couple may quarrel over any trifle so that they will consider divorce the only way out of this situation.
Constant quarrels and showdowns with her husband have a depressing effect on the body, cause depression and insomnia, reducing efficiency and quality of life. And the reason for this is the inability or unwillingness to concede or compromise each other. We respond to aggression with aggression, anger, shouting, swearing - everything is used to prove our innocence. After everything subsides, often most couples cannot even remember the reason for the raging scandal, regretting and lamenting their inability to keep their own emotions under control.
Very often, the reason for aggressive behavior on the part of one of the spouses lies in his past. Namely, if such behavior was the norm in the relationship of his parents, then one should not be surprised that a person will behave in exactly the same way. He simply does not have an example of other behavior, without screams, noise and scandals. He was not taught this. Another common cause of aggression on the part of one of the spouses in a relationship is low self-esteem, when the other tries to assert itself at the expense of one.
Some factors, such as normal stress, illness, constant fatigue or physical discomfort, can provoke an outburst of rage even in a very calm person. I won’t go far, for example, everyone is familiar with the state of weakness after a hard day’s work, especially in the summer heat, when my head hurts terribly and my whole body aches. At such moments, it is quite difficult to stay in a benevolent frame of mind.
It also happens that aggressive behavior occurs on the way to the realization of what was conceived, when the other half creates obstacles to this. For example, he is very tired and wants to go to bed early, and you want to go to a club or a movie and you drag him along with you. It is not difficult to guess that in most cases this situation ends in a strong quarrel.
Very often, the spouse takes out on the second half the insults that were caused to him by someone else. For example, he received a “good” scolding from the boss, someone took the usual parking place of his car in the parking lot, got rude in the store, etc. As a result, for all this, he takes out his anger on his beloved woman, who fell under a hot hand. And in retaliation, she simply answers him the same. It is because of such trifling moments that families most often break up.
How to avoid a quarrel?
Of course, there are plenty of reasons to be angry. But each person has his own reaction to this, and most often relatives and friends suffer. What then to do? How to deal with often unreasonable aggression and outbursts of rage without taking out anger on loved ones?
It should be noted that even if the spouses have been living together for more than a dozen years, they still remain different people. It is impossible to do all your life the way your soulmate wants. And that's okay. In this case, conflicts in the family are inevitable, but they can occur very rarely or take place in a milder form.
Remember, never, even with a very strong desire to prove your case, do not swear with your spouse in the presence of relatives, friends, or just in front of strangers. Inevitably, in your conflict, they will have to take sides. And it’s not a fact that it’s yours, especially if they are relatives and friends from the husband’s side. This will only serve to inflame passions. In addition, you will put your friends in an uncomfortable position with this. In this case, it is better to calm down and postpone the conversation until a more convenient moment. In a calm state, having rethought everything, the cause of the conflict will look from a different angle.
If a quarrel cannot be avoided, in no case should one use insults and humiliate her husband, because male pride is oh so vulnerable! Such behavior can move the faithful in search of one who will appreciate and respect him. And he can always find one, no doubt!
To prevent a quarrel over a trifle, it is important to discuss each sensitive issue with him in a timely manner, without being afraid to lay out everything that worries you. But it is also necessary to “spread out” wisely, having prepared in advance and clearly formulated everything that you intend to tell him. Only then can a sincere conversation be started.
Before you pour accusations against your faithful, think about whether the spouse is really to blame? Maybe his act is not worth a damn, maybe it can be safely endured and forgotten? Very often, because of any trifle, we, women, strongly wind ourselves up, and then, in a rage, splash out everything that has accumulated on a man. Therefore, before talking, it is better to wait a few hours. Maybe, having calmed down, you will understand that the reason is not worth it to quarrel with your loved one.
If a spouse usually starts a scandal, try to talk to him frankly, heart to heart, to find out the reason for his such behavior. Perhaps this is what he expects from you. If you do not dare to have such a conversation, it is likely that he will find someone with whom he will be frank. And then he goes to her. Forever and ever.
Sometimes the reason for nagging and temper of a husband can be something specific. By watching him, you can find out and fix it. Well, if literally everything annoys your husband, then maybe you should live apart for a while. Sometimes it helps, between the spouses, who have rested from each other, relations are being established again.
In general, in order for quarrels to arise in family life as rarely as possible, it is important to immediately arrange family life and build communication with your loved one in such a way that any unpleasant mistake of each other seemed like a trifle and could be calmly experienced. You can do some sport together. This will not only relieve unnecessary tension, but will also benefit your own self-esteem and your relationship. After all, nothing brings people together like a good time.
The woman herself plays an important role in the frequency of family quarrels. Appreciate yourself and do not allow yourself to be humiliated or raise your voice for no reason. Maybe your confidence and ignoring his furious attacks will weaken the negativity splashed out on you. However, negative emotions should not be addressed to him, and mocking notes should not slip in the tone of his voice. Try to praise your spouse more often, but for the cause, appreciating his merits. Existing shortcomings try to accept indulgently.
If nevertheless a quarrel happened, learn to put up correctly.
Reconciliation after a scandal with her husband.
Before you make any attempts to improve relations with your husband, you should wait a bit to give him the opportunity to calm down and cool down herself. It is necessary to comprehend everything, understand what happened, and only then act. To start reconciliation first for many women, especially if husbands are not right in a conflict situation, is something transcendent, not worthy. However, there is nothing shameful in taking the first step towards reconciliation. And if you became the initiator of the conflict, this must be done without fail!
If the other half is not yet set up to enter into a dialogue with you, in this case you should not put pressure. You should give him a little more time, let him cool his ardor. If, as you think, he is pouting at you for too long, you can write him a letter, setting out on paper everything that is difficult to say in person, looking eye to eye. And when, nevertheless, the moment of personal communication comes, you can let in not only gentle words, but also gentle touches, strokes and kisses. This will perfectly defuse the situation, relieve the tension that inevitably arises at the beginning of a conversation.
If the missus is still silent for several days, more original methods should be used, for example, to prepare a surprise. Just do not need in this case to use sexy lingerie or erotic games. Winning a good relationship with a husband through sex is not a good idea. A man may take this as an insult, because this is an open hint that the animal instinct in a strong half of humanity dominates everything else. Yes, and it looks, to put it mildly, vulgar. In this case, a man, if he is led by your seductive behavior, after sex, irritation will return to him again. And it will start all over again.
A romantic dinner for two can be a great surprise. It doesn’t matter at home or in a restaurant, you can whisper words of love into his ear to quiet music, say how sorry you are about what happened, that you want to forget all this as soon as possible. Finding the right words at such a moment will not be difficult. In such an environment, hardly any man can resist.
In general, it’s worth talking more with your soulmate, in a calm and interested tone, to find out what worries him, talk about your love, which needs to be protected, and not destroyed by daily quarrels about an unwashed plate or not taken out garbage.
In accordance with the laws of some ancient states, such as Persia or the Ottoman Empire, a husband could hang out with his wife if she could not bear him a son for several years, or was quarrelsome.
On the one hand, this historical fact may seem funny, but on the other hand it makes you think. I want to make a reservation right away, I am a man, and therefore, one way or another, I look at the problem from the male side. How often in real life it happens that a sweet and tender girl after the wedding appears from a completely different side!
Domestic problems come to the fore, which you often create for each other yourself. Scandals and petty quarrels flare up several times a day, turning into an international trial by evening, which cannot be resolved without the inclusion of the United Nations (your and her mother) in the process.
A bed made with the wrong side of the bedspread; a towel that (it turns out) you always hang up wrong... These cases are taken from real life. It would seem, how such small things can cause a big scandal? I would like to ask a question, is it all so significant? Scandals subside, but after a while they flare up again. Already on a different basis. Because I love my dog more than her cat… Because after watching football, I try to talk to her, share some impressions…
Quarrels are replaced by scandals, and scandals are replaced by quarrels. Big and small. Large and not so big. When mutual reproaches subside, some strange silence always rolls over. It becomes very quiet, and thoughts come into my head that just a few months ago, it seemed, could not be there.
Is this the girl I married? Is this the girl I once loved so blindly? And the worst thing is, because she once loved me too ... What happened wrong? At what point did we take a wrong turn, and the fire of some feelings turned into just the flame of a burner in your shared kitchen?
Why are women scandalous? What suddenly makes them act in this way and not otherwise, as if every day again and again looking for new reasons for a scandal?
Dr. House spoke what women are biologically programmed to make from little flies to big elephants. But is it really so?
Behind the seeming ease of these questions (about which your friends or doctors from cool TV shows always manage to joke) lie serious problems.
After all, it is easy, only when it does not concern you personally. It's easy when you don't touch her - the girl who was once dear to you. Is she no more? Is the girl who once taught you to smile turning into a grumpy wife? And maybe out of all the high towers and all the princesses hidden in them, you chose the wrong one, and the stamp in your passport became your curse?
These thoughts make me sad. After all, you still can't blame her. And then thoughts come that the whole thing is only in yourself. Perhaps we create these scandalous wives for ourselves. After all, she's still the same. And all the same, you yourself. It may sound trite, but an unhappy person always becomes angry. And an evil person at heart is always unhappy. And perhaps the whole point is that you yourself (you yourself!!!) at some point suddenly forgot how to make her happy. Just notice her. Look at her the way he used to. And perhaps the girl you once married, you yourself killed in her. And you keep doing it every day. From one scandal to another.
Scandalous wives are the creation of our own Star Factory.
My name is Anton Milevsky. At 22, I got married. And after 5 months he filed for divorce. It passed peacefully enough without mutual recriminations, like a war that ended without displacement of existing borders. At that moment, it seemed to me that this was the only way to stop it all before it was too late. Probably, at this moment, I should have said that I changed my mind, changed my mind and no longer believe that I did the right thing then. But this is not true. Only a year after the divorce, we learned not to blame each other. Just talk without shouting. We congratulate each other on the holidays, and sometimes we write letters about how our life is going now.
Short sketches like: “I go to aerobics…. And I bought a ticket to a Morten Harket concert ... Just talking about nothing. In fact, we know almost nothing about each other. The sun was the size of a table lamp again. Everything fell into place. I returned to Minsk, but she still remained in Wroclaw.
And even if now we speak with her again in different languages, but the divorce allowed us to remember the good things. Just leave the memories with a "+" sign, and throw away all those that bring pain.
Scandalous wives we create for ourselves. And loving your ex is still better than hating your own wife. Sometimes it's better to just put an end to it. Turn off your laptop screen and just walk away. To keep at least these memories for yourself. Leave to still be with her.
I love my wife very much, but sometimes, about once a month, she has terrible fits of anger. Sometimes it gets to the point that she rushes at me with her fists or throws at me everything that comes to her hand. Love, love, but I don’t want to endure such an attitude towards myself. I don't know if this is related to her hormonal changes, but I'm starting to think about divorce. I used to hope that I broke down, with whom it doesn’t happen, next time I will control myself, but alas, oh. She doesn't last long. Then everything repeats. After such a clarification of the relationship, we may not talk for a week. And I don't talk to her because I think I'm right. She can start a fight for any reason. The main reason is that I do not follow her lead, but express my opinion. Simply put, I don’t listen to her and retell (I have such a feeling). I told her that I will not tolerate this matriarchy in the family and I will respond in kind to all manifestations of her aggression. That I am not her son, but her husband. I wanted to yell - I'll yell in response. I wanted to fight - I have a stronger blow. Etc. If you don’t want scandals in the family, learn to speak constructively and calmly, otherwise scandals will come out to you, first of all, sideways. Well, I don’t want to bend over and keep silent with my head down guiltily. I'm right, I'm wrong, everything can be solved with words. Moreover, we do not have a court to look for the guilty. If you don't like something, say it. Bad husband - don't live with him. All adults are able to perceive speech. I do not allow myself to insult her and yell at her, except for those moments when she loses her temper and begins to vilify me. Then I let myself go. This is very depressing for me, because then I worry about the fact that I have to behave this way with my loved one and I understand where it all is heading. She has this, of course, due to a lack of education, but is it possible to somehow influence her? After I began to fight back and hit her in the face a couple of times, she became more careful and less likely to try to hit me, tries to restrain herself more, but sometimes she is not able to control herself. This is our second marriage for both of us. The daughter from her first marriage lives with us. She does not work, since we left to live in another country and only I work. I regularly hear claims that I work a lot, as well as requests to buy things, go on vacation, etc. I won’t call her a spender, but I constantly have the feeling that I am being tested for strength. We've been married for a year. Before that, there were two years of relationship, mostly at a distance. What can be advice in this situation? How to pacify her? Or what should be done to avoid provoking it? As for the lack of sex, I can say that we have regular and even passionate sex, of course, in those days when we have peace. She is one of those women whose mood you always have to guess. She woke up today in a good mood or in a bad one. Well, otherwise, it completely suits me. Beautiful, economic, responsible, caring. She has a lot of positive things, but her boorishness and hysteria just freezes me to the limit.
If Love has not died out, it copes with trials, it happens that it even ignites, like a flame from that very spark. Love leaves - irritation comes, but it is not able to fight with problems, but can only accumulate them and cool the "weather in the house."
I will give a list of “misfortunes” due to which “earthquakes” and “volcanic eruptions” occur in relationships:
Incorrect distribution of roles in the family.
- Wrong attitude of one of the partners to another.
- Differences in outlook on life.
- Sexual crises, disappointments in a partner.
- Intervention of the parents of one or both spouses in the affairs of "children".
- Addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, chronic infidelity).
- Diseases (mental, incurable physical, mental). The need for all family members to adapt to a bed patient or a character who drank TV yesterday.
- The struggle for power and supremacy in the family.
- Communication problems in general (distrust, fear, lack of intimacy and frankness).
A couple meets, “grinding” begins, each shows his “presentation video”, tells who he is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Declares his needs and hopes, asks questions, important and not very important.
Have you ever heard a person entering into a romantic relationship say: “Over time, I will develop such and such disgusting traits, I will start to get fat, gradually become drunk and beat you fiercely?” Not! Nobody ever! The desire to please in the initial period is supported in all situations. This is the period - the triumph of the peacock!
At the beginning of a relationship, unwanted manifestations in the behavior of a loved one cause a slight chill of discontent, and rolling down the mountain of time, a cold lump turns into a rumbling avalanche. The first disappointment befalls us when we begin to understand that Heaven gave love as a gift, and it gives love on credit. And in order to develop it further to the relationship of spouses and parents, you need to endlessly invest money, time, health, money, heart, soul, feelings, attention and affection ...
There she is, FIRST REASON quarrels between lovers: skimping on all of the above, as a rule, the one who loves more in "Spring".
"In the summer" he also becomes the "author" of claims and reproaches in the midst of relationships, at the peak of passions. In the difficult “Autumn Times of Love”, the initiative passes to the one who is more difficult in a relationship, and reproaches and discontent begin to pour in from his side. He feels that in "Winter" he is destined to be left alone, and thus begins to protest.
After a divorce, during the period of “Winter Chills”, an insult settles in the soul of an abandoned person that even that little warmth and attention was taken from him, which, perhaps, was underestimated at a time when it was still possible to fix something.
Again, “What we have, we don’t store” ... And here the best solution is to decisively remove marketing from relationships, stop the flow of “mutual pains, troubles and insults” and remember the saying of the sages: “There is no better friend than a wife”, and give everything, and a little more, until the moment when in the direction of this person “breathes”. Love will not turn into hate if we are able to wake up and see that it is time to immediately stop the "fountain" of reproaches and accusations.
Insults and scandals are dead ground for self-affirmation! In the desire to “drown” another, a person does not see how he himself is drowning! This is a war without a winner. Someone will say that troubles and troubles in the family come from the wrong choice of partner. But there are no completely wrong choices, because some qualities in a partner suit us, but not all of them annoy us.
THE SECOND REASON quarrels: a question of leadership in pairs. If the lovers are happy, then they give in to each other, they have nothing to share and nothing to “puff out their cheeks” for. Everyone is "main" in something of his own, irreplaceable and unique.
Closer to the middle phase of marriage, a reassessment of each other suddenly begins, misunderstanding comes, dissatisfaction with the partner, the ability to “hear” each other, the inability to agree disappears. There is already a full-fledged crisis in family relations. And now one exposes his opinion as a flag, and the other condescendingly, as "more wise", agrees to concessions, "just to be quiet." Compromise is no longer the goal, consensus in opinions is still possible, but more often, as I said, one of the two makes concessions consciously, driving the problem into a chronic state ...
Demands, claims and reproaches, ultimatum statements, sobs and cries are the main manifestations of the "Autumn of Love". And then our grown plant, instead of a juicy and tasty fruit, gives a seed of discord. He and she begin to find out: who slept more, who was more tired, who has the main responsibilities, who achieved more in life. As long as one does not suppress the other with his supremacy, there will be no satisfaction from victory over a partner. It becomes more difficult for someone who feels a greater need for love, for whom it is more important to maintain relationships. That is why he often gives in.
The ancients said: "A truly loving person does not strive for power, a flawed and prudent one strives for it." As long as there is tenderness and feelings, someone alone is in the lead and there are always fewer conflicts. This happens at the beginning of any relationship. In harmoniously developed feelings, a floating or flexible system of relationships usually develops.
Closer to the "colds in Love" there are fewer and fewer concessions, and more and more claims.
THIRD REASON quarrels: not the last place in the conflicts is occupied by the rather prosaic topic of the Family Budget. Everyone understands that money is fertilizer for our sprout. They require a prudent attitude and control. In a family, it is necessary to regulate income and expenses, and how this happens is in many ways an indicator of family relations.
Usually couples choose joint, shared and separate types of budget. But what if you work hard and try to combine all these types by creating three different piles of money in different places?
The first pile of money is a joint wallet, each of the couple takes part in replenishing it, decisions are made together on how to spend money. It is very convenient for people with the same earnings or families where one is dependent (50 years ago, it would never even have occurred to anyone to think that it could be a man, but in our time, alas, it doesn’t sound so shocking anymore, and many habitual norms have ceased to be unshakable!). And yet more often than not, the wife does not work.
The presence of a common purse relieves her of the need to explain every time why such an amount is needed for the household. It also protects her from thinking about the topic: “again I didn’t give out money for the needs of the family, paying for the “communal apartment”, the doctor and the child’s teachers. Is he greedy or inattentive, insensitive or sadistic? So, in a joint wallet, huge amounts are not needed. There may be a sheet of paper and a pencil with which the amount taken by each is recorded. From there, the child can take the money, be sure to report what they were spent on. Such openness saves many parents from frankly and unaccountably "borrowing" from their own wallets.
So we smoothly move on to the second pile of money distributed among “individual pockets”. Does a non-working family member (a woman or a child) need to allocate funds for living? Need. Mobile payments, breakfasts, transportation - all this is considered and issued for a week. This approach allows the dependent to learn how to properly manage funds and not require daily subsidies.
If you don't like something - save or go to work! Only in this case, the “stash” of the saved funds does not turn into a serious fraud, that is, it is personal money, and not hidden to the detriment of the family. When the earner is no longer appreciated, thanked, asked for or praised, the “money toad” comes to him. It seems dishonest to the breadwinner that he gives everything to the family to the penny, trying to be open and honest. And if his contribution to the family budget begins to be taken for granted, he may begin to take offense. And there is also a completely indecent situation, when home bums also manage to reproach - they say, they could bring more!
In order not to bring the situation to such an absurdity or establish rules for spending funds, all these points should be discussed in advance, and not hushed up. Jointly made decisions related to spending and storing funds are an indicator that the finances are not managed by the spouses.
The third pile is the family piggy bank. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bank account or a safe deposit box, a home safe or a plastic bag taped behind a picture - the main thing is that “we are all saving money together!”. It can be the House, and the car, or someone's education, or even a "rainy day" - it doesn't matter. It is important that - "we", that - "together"!
A friendly decision is a good indicator of the solution of the material issue in the family, and blackmail with money is the desire to suppress, solve one's problems and complexes at the expense of a loved one.
THE FOURTH REASON to clarify the relationship - non-observance of moral principles. Couples are often destroyed due to violations of marital fidelity and family ethics. This point is always a cause for scandal and rebellion. Only in "Winter", when there is nothing more to swear about, does everyone involved in the divorce see the meaninglessness of claims and excuses. This also includes emerging hostile feelings - hatred, discontent, irritation, often due to the contradictory nature of human feelings. When you are dissatisfied with a partner, you find reasons for nit-picking in everything. Everything irritates: manners, behavior in everyday life, character traits, personality traits. “You’re not standing like that, you’re not lying here!”
At the beginning of a relationship, usually one of the couple distances themselves, takes time to "dump steam", and with long-term cohabitation, psychological compatibility problems crawl out like cockroaches on a white sheet. One behaves negatively, the other also “grows” hostility in himself.
I can advise you to set the control of your own emotions and irritation. It is important to learn to accept the personality traits of a spouse as an objective reality, to understand that much cannot be changed. I recommend that at the very beginning of a relationship, take a closer look at your future marriage partner, and after the wedding close your eyes to a lot.
"Not! Never!" - the main slogan of wives and husbands in the "Autumn season of love." The desire to contradict and object is a beacon that tells you that love is leaving. It is important to consciously maintain the desire for unity.
Hot anger, cold anger, restrained anger - everything is bad. Try both to “hold your tongue”, “bite your lip”, take water in your mouth, count to ten or a hundred. I recommend each time to clarify what annoyed, ask what exactly the noisy person wants.
REASON FIVE: two loving people may have a conflict in a state of stress due to the difference in needs and attitudes towards life. Achievements in the profession and career growth do not guarantee success in personal life. I will say more: more often it is career growth that separates lovers from each other! So in this regard, one should be very careful and attentive, “do not forget,” as they used to say.
Dealing with joint problems together and remaining polite is very difficult. The most difficult thing is to find something in common in differences, something that connects and unites. Those who do not quarrel do not need to be reconciled. Agree that you will not swear, that there will be no screams and conversations at elevated decibels in your house. If your loved one does what he promises after five reminders, if he forgets about the holidays and your dates, and all the homework lies entirely on your shoulders, and his life goes according to your order, say OUT LOUD that you need help. Let him know that without his opinion and desire it is very difficult for you! Otherwise, you run the risk of soon turning into a “commander in a skirt” or a “boy-woman”. Distribute responsibility in advance, agree "on the shore"!
SIXTH REASON FOR DIFFERENCE: vain expectations. Irritation and resentment comes when a partner does not do what you would like. He will certainly express his claims. Children at a psychological reception often complain that their parents yell at them in irritation and insult them. And in the human psyche, over time, the so-called “subtraction” occurs, that is, the essence of the conversation and its reason disappear, leaving forever in memory only a cry and a face twisted with anger.
If you need something special, if you need to be understood in this way and not otherwise, you should speak about it precisely and directly, without forcing your partner to speculate. Tell him exactly what you want. If he does not listen to your words, then look for other ways to present information, think about the reasons, ask yourself questions and answer them. For example, tell him: “I want to talk because it is very important” or demand to listen to yourself. Does he ignore problematic situations? Do not want to fulfill their obligations? Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time by continuing to do nothing. Do not scatter impracticable threats, do not throw mud at him. If your words and actions do not lead to the desired result, then start looking at it, or rather, at your life in a different way: will it go with Him or without Him?
REASON SEVEN: insults and insults. Express your feelings, don't suppress them. Insulted - sit down and cry. Say that they offend jokes about weight and name-calling. You need to make it clear to your loved one how his words and actions affect your self-awareness. “Don’t lower me below the plinth! Your words are very unpleasant to me”, “Did you at least get pleasure from the fact that you offended me in passing again?”
When you want to reconcile, it is important that both are satisfied with the outcome of the reconciliation. One will give in to cut off the showdown in the house. He will remain silent, but the cause of the conflict will not go anywhere! It will still come up someday in the form of a very unusual scandal (we do not expect a loud expression of will from the "quiet ones") and even a divorce! You can not put pressure on the conscience or emotions of a partner, raise your voice, refuse to listen. The most important task is to agree with yourself and understand: “It will not always be the way I want!”. If one is silent, the other may be mistaken in believing that silence is a sign of consent.
It should not be considered who was more right. Remove from the vocabulary (especially during the "showdown") the words "never", "always". Say: "It is not necessary to solve this problem now, but I ask you to listen to me, I think the decision should be made together." Do not be shy to admit that you are wrong in the event of your unfair accusation, tell him: "I'm sorry, I'm ashamed, you're right, this is my omission." People with a positive image of "I" are not inclined to demonstrate their superiority, do not try to offend and humiliate others. The stereotypical attitude of partners “it should be so” often underlies misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other.
There are Women who are sure that they must remain proud, impregnable and cold. Do not drop dignity, do not show participation and interest in any situation. Even if the husband is not happy with success, he has reduced sex activity or (God forbid!) funding.
She sees herself above the "world problems", she is out of everyday life and everything mundane! She is a mysterious Stranger - "breathing with spirits and mists ...", woven from dreams. She is a gift, a flower that needs to be groomed and cherished! And this, she is convinced, is the main goal of a man’s life, that is, to serve and please her, blindly bowing in endless admiration, and she will condescendingly accept these honors, because she is sure that she was born only for them. And she doesn’t need to know all the affairs and other “baseness” of the material world - let her think about it ... this one ... well, how is he? Husband…
And then one day this “how is it? ... husband” gets tired of keeping an ice doll - he just goes to a normal earthly woman and finds his normal human happiness even in the way his chosen one looks at him happily eating freshly cooked cabbage soup.
We thank the IG "AST" for providing an excerpt from the book by Natalia Tolstaya "Love: from dusk to dawn. Resurrection of feelings".
What to do if there are constant scandals in the family? Does this mean that relationships have no future? Or is it possible to find ways of a truce?
Quarrels are different, as are the reasons for which they arise. But most often quarrels begin in the family due to the banal fatigue of the spouses. Quarrels on the basis of emotional burnout. Recognizing such fatigue is quite difficult, since it is not just physical fatigue, it is also accumulated discontent. How? Yes, anything! Work, health, husband, finally! Burnout works like a ticking time bomb. Drop by drop, it fills the vessel of our patience, and then once, and poured over the edge.
And then a harmless remark of a husband or one of his phrases can turn against him as a tsunami, a storm, a hurricane. Most often, we break down just at the one who is next to us at moments when we can relax, take off all the masks and be ourselves again. Therefore, the husband is constantly under the gun. What to do if there are quarrels in the family due to emotional burnout? Eliminate the cause, not the effect. To understand what this means, let's take a closer look at the possible causes of burnout:
1. Unloved work, on which you have to spend a lot of effort. And not only physical, but mental as well. What does it mean? That a woman takes energy from personal reserves. And she needs these reserves for other areas of life: for health, for her husband, for herself. And the main leak goes just to work. The chief demands or circumstances such. And then she returns home “on suction”. There is nowhere to recharge on the road, because to recharge you need rest, a favorite thing, a hobby. And sitting in a crowded minibus or driving your car, but constantly getting into traffic jams, somehow you can’t recharge. And now, tired, she comes home, and there she is met by unwashed dishes or a drunken husband. To accept this situation, energy is also needed! And she's gone. Therefore, any insignificant occasion, and a woman starts a quarrel or even a scandal.
2. Health status. When something is not in order with well-being, it is always exhausting. And, accordingly, it takes strength, energy. And then even a beloved husband can start to annoy. What to do if there are constant scandals in the family precisely because of the state of health? Of course, you should definitely see a doctor, but besides that, think about what your body wants to tell you? What does he want to reach? About 80% of all diseases are our body's way of communicating with us. Therefore, sometimes it is enough just to change one's behavior in some situation or attitude towards it, and then the disease recedes. Try to control yourself and not waste the rest of your energy on sorting out your relationship with your husband, it’s better to spend it on.
3. Dissatisfaction with life. This is the longest path of emotional burnout, since this same dissatisfaction does not occur in a week, a month, or even a year. It can ripen for a very long time, slowly affecting your mood. You may just feel that something is not right. That you are not happy with your life, and why you may not even be aware of it. When you finally become aware, it will already be a milestone, after which the energy will begin to flow away with even greater force. Because to understand that you are living in vain, and to continue to live like this, requires great strength. Disruptions, by the way, occur according to the same pattern, and it is the husband who is constantly under the distribution. Therefore, it is still necessary to change what does not satisfy you and as soon as possible, since your family relationships are already under threat.
4. Husband. This is the most difficult and even dangerous option. If your husband does not suit you in some way, and you are silent, then you yourself launch a time bomb with your own hands. Resentment against a loved one is acute at first, then develops into a chronic one. And then all the efforts of the husband to please you, all his gifts and compliments will be broken on this bag of your grievances. Who will you make it worse? Yourself and your husband and your relationship. Dissatisfaction with her husband also takes a lot of energy, and a vicious circle comes out, from which it is difficult to get out alone. What to do if there are constant scandals in the family just because the husband is to blame? Don't be silent! Talk about your pain, resentment, suspicions. Talk about your feelings! It will be fair to him, to your union.