Choose a life partner for life. Why many people are unhappy in marriage, or how not to choose a life partner. First, realize how important this decision is and how your whole life depends on it.

29.06.2020

Sooner or later, on their own or with someone else's help, every man (with rare exceptions) comes to the conclusion that it's time to get married and have your own family. But in order to have a family, children, you first need to find a worthy candidate for the role of your soulmate. How to choose a life partner?

Pay attention to character

So often people in the reasons for the divorce, they write the banal phrase “The characters did not agree”. But this is not just a reply, indeed, if people have too different characters, they most likely will not be able to live in perfect harmony for many years. Yes, they say that opposites attract, but it’s better to find yourself a soul mate who will be like you. Moreover, we are subconsciously looking for people who are at least somewhat similar to us.

Example: you are a homebody with a not too active lifestyle, and your beloved leads an active lifestyle, loves extreme sports. Do you have a happy joint future when there are no common interests, when you are too different and unlike each other. But a lot depends on the presence of common hobbies. In this case, you will not have harmony in the intimate sphere and everyday life.

There are no people consisting of merit alone

Do not try to find yourself a woman who will suit you one hundred percent. Anyway, every representative of the weaker sex there will be some features that you can not put up with. But it’s one thing when a spouse just prepares for a long time to go out (you can talk and decide everything amicably), and another thing is when she practically doesn’t look after the house due to her upbringing.

A little more about the advantages and disadvantages

Think about what human qualities must be present in your future spouse, which are undesirable, but those that you can still put up with, and which are absolutely undesirable. It is enough for one man that his wife keeps the house in order and cooks deliciously, for another - that she is simply smart and well-read, for the third - that she is sexy and knows how to excite. Here you are decide what is most important to you.

Will she be a good mother?

A family is not only a husband and wife, it is also children. So when you find what you think is the right candidate for the role of wife, imagine what kind of mother she will become with her character. If you think that she will cope with this role, then here is your life partner - develop a relationship with her.

Unhappy lonely people think their life looks like this:

WaitButWhy.com

Study Confirms Steven Swinford. Marriage makes people happier than six figure salaries and religion . that people who are married are happier than those who are single or divorced. But at the same time, people will be more unhappy than single people, and people in a successful marriage will be even happier than is commonly believed.

Here's what's really going on:

WaitButWhy.com

Lonely people are in a neutral position and full of hope. They are only one step away from finding personal happiness - to create a good relationship.

But if a person is already in an unsuccessful relationship, there are at least three steps to a happy marriage:

Go through a heartbreaking gap.
Experience an emotional recovery.
Create good relationships.

So if you're single, it's not that bad, right?

Thinking about how important it is to choose the right life partner is like thinking about the size of the universe or about death: these are too global concepts that are difficult to grasp.

But unlike death or the size of the universe, choosing a life partner is under your control. You need to understand how much this decision means and carefully evaluate various factors before making it.

Why is it so important

Let's start with the calculation: Subtract your age from 90. If you live, this is the number of years you will spend with your life partner.

It turns out very many years.

Of course, people can get divorced, but usually everyone thinks that this will not happen to them. Recent Research Most young adults expect marriage for life: study . showed that 86% of young people believe that their current or future marriage will last a lifetime.

When you choose a life partner, you need to consider that he will become the parent of your unborn child and will have a profound influence on him. With this person you will have dinner 20,000 times, he will accompany you on travels during 100 vacations, he will become a friend who will share recreation and entertainment with you, a home psychotherapist and someone who will tell you about 18,000 times how his day went.

Factors that work against us

How is it that so many good, smart, educated and rational people choose partners who do not suit them in all respects?

People don't know what they want from a relationship

When people aren't dating anyone, they have little idea of what they want out of a relationship. In one study Paul W. Eastwick, Eli J. Finkel. Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Revisited: Do People Know What
They Initially Desire in a Romantic Partner? lovers of speed dating talked about their preferences in relationships, but upon real acquaintance, after a few minutes, they refuted their statements.

This is not surprising: it usually takes experience to excel at something. But not everyone has time to be in a serious relationship before choosing a life partner. We just don't have enough time.

In addition, the needs of a person in a relationship and the needs of a single person are very different. So unless you're dating someone, it's pretty hard to figure out what you really want out of a relationship.

Society encourages our lack of education in the matter of relationships and advises to let everything take its course.

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David Frederick, with the help of his experiment, identified the traits that come first when choosing a partner:

Attractive appearance important for 92% of men and 84% of women.
Slender body- for 80% of men and 58% of women.
Consistently high income 74% of men and 97% of women need a partner.

Agnieszka Sorokowska from the University of Wroclaw proved that natural body scent helps gather information about a potential partner. It's all about the level of hormones and the state of the autonomic nervous system, which determines the type of skin microflora. The ability of the brain to respond to the smell of another person is inherent in us genetically.

A woman is interested in a man because his natural smell signals: this "male" will be able to provide a rear, give strong offspring and contribute to his survival. A man feels the same: this woman will be able to give birth to strong, healthy children for him.

3. Theory of social roles

American psychologist Alice Eagley argues that in our time already social rather than biological processes dictate the choice of life partner. If women were once attracted to men endowed with money and power, it was only because society limited their rights to independently earn and have influence.

Men more than before appreciate independence and professionalism in women. The ability to cook well and manage a household - all that was important in the last century - is no longer put at the forefront. These changes show that our choices and values are influenced by cultural norms.

4. You spend too much time together.

Professor of Psychology at Otterbein University (USA) Noem Spencer says that the presence of social competence, that is, education and the ability to communicate, carefully listening to the interlocutor and showing interest in him, as well as human warmth, are especially valued when choosing a partner.

“Kind and kind people are perceived as more attractive and win in the“ marathon of choice ”,” the scientist is sure. This explains the love for people who treat us with kindness and understanding: doctors, psychologists, teachers and coaches.

6. Evaluation of others

Gad Saad and Tripat Gillom of Wilfrid Laurier University did a very interesting experiment. They asked the boys and girls to rate each other's attractiveness according to the characteristics given to them. For example, "7 out of 10 people think she's kind" or "3 out of 10 people think he's aggressive." After that, the girl decided who she would meet.

Participants chose options with positive traits. Scientists have also shown that girls are more prone to succumb to this manipulative influence than boys. The opinion of others for them is very often an important factor when choosing a life partner.

7. I look at you like in a mirror

David Perret of the University of St. Andrews in Scotland conducted a fascinating experiment: he collected photos of his students, changed their gender using a computer program, and asked his students to choose the most desirable image. Most pointed to "their" photos, finding their own facial features attractive.. Of course, the comparison with the "ideal" goes on a subconscious level, but it still affects the choice of a life partner.

One of the reasons for this choice is that it is easier for us to communicate, understand, know and trust someone who speaks our language, shares our values and culture. The second reason is psychological: if your partner is so good and he looks like you, then you are good too.

8. Opposites attract

But there are many examples when people are looking for partners that are as unlike themselves as possible. Anthropologist Helen Fisher identified 4 different types of temperament and explained why we are attracted to certain types of people and how hormones affect this.

She identified 4 main personality types:

researcher(high levels of the hormone dopamine) likes to take risks, seeks adventure and is very curious;
builder(high serotonin) values order and tradition;
director(high testosterone) - analyst, reasonable and logical;
intermediary(high estrogen) - imaginative altruist.

According to Helen Fisher's theory, we are not always looking for the same type, and often the law of complement operates when different people "balance" each other.

9. We meet those who already exist in our imagination.

The idea of archetypes originally came from Carl Gustav Jung. In his book “Gods in every man. Archetypes that govern the lives of men” was used by Jin Shinoda Bolen. She proposed to take as a basis the descriptions of the main types of men of the popular ancient Greek gods:

Zeus: domineering and authoritarian;
Poseidon: violent and temperamental;
Apollo: intelligent and discreet;
Dionysus: cheerful and curious.

Previously, Jean Bohlen also scientists Barton and Halberstadt from the University of Calgary conducted a funny

Scientists have identified the main reasons why we consciously choose people with whom nothing will work out for us:

Chase. People are more satisfied with something that they got with difficulty. As Elite Daily writes, our brain releases much more dopamine when we are chasing something we want, and the longer this chase, the more “pleasure hormone” we get. That's why sometimes we like people who don't like us so much.
Ego. Rejection becomes a huge blow to our ego, no matter how soft and diplomatic it may be. And when someone tells us “no”, we are ready to do everything to change it to “yes”, and as soon as possible.
inaccessibility. People who are in high social demand, as a rule, seem to us more valuable, smart, attractive, purposeful. Is this person still busy? Then its value can be safely multiplied by 2.

And what research do you think is the most logical? Or is love a feeling that cannot be explained by any formulas and scientific theories?

Every time we start a new relationship, we deep down hope that this will be exactly the person we have been looking for for so long.

BUT ... In real life, most of our meetings end in parting, and our expectations do not correspond to reality.

What criteria should be used to choose a life partner and how to understand that this is the right person
with whom you want to share all the best of what will happen to you?

To begin with, family psychologists and psychotherapists identify general criteria that you should be guided by when choosing a life partner.

By the way, if you carefully read them and can put a tick next to each of them, then the person who is next to you will most likely be exactly the one you were looking for!

Physiological compatibility:

The body odor of a partner should be desirable, not repulsive./
How suitable are you as sexual partners - do you enjoy sex?
Height and age in this case do not matter.

Emotional Compatibility:

How natural and free do you feel in the presence of this person. Are you able to be yourself?
Do you feel a sense of comfort, care and security, confidence and support, love next to this person?
To what extent do the character traits and temperament of your partner match or do not contradict yours?
Do you want to do the most daring and unpredictable things for this person, do you like to please him and bring his desires and dreams to life?
Can you imagine a joint old age together?

Intelligent Compatibility:

Pay attention to the level of culture, education and religious views of your chosen one - how comfortable you feel inside his social circle (family, friends). Here it is worth considering how comfortable it is for him to be inside your environment.
By the way, this is one of the important points, because an adult is able to expand the range of interests, but not radically change his views on life and culture!
For example, Muslim men allow themselves to date Christian women. But in 99% of cases they will never marry, because for this they can be expelled from their family.

In addition, you must understand that each of us has certain criteria when choosing a man or woman.

I suggest you think and try to realize as specifically as possible: what moments in a person of the opposite sex attract, and which repel you the most?

To do this, do the exercise: write down on a piece of paper what qualities your chosen one should be endowed with and what you definitely do not accept. The list must be compiled according to four main criteria:

appearance
personal traits
attitude towards the world, towards people, towards oneself
Lifestyle

Try not to rush and describe each of the four criteria in as much detail as possible.

For example:

If you want to meet a cheerful and positive girl, then your attitude to life should be positive, and your sense of humor should be appropriate.
If a girl dreams of a man being active, active and versatile, then for her part she should offer him the same.

Remember that it is impossible to find a complete match in the criteria! Therefore, in each new person, try to pay attention to his personal qualities and characteristics.

Think about the fact that it is these qualities and features that will complement what you may lack. Or maybe they are the ones that interest you the most!

There are no perfect matches, but opposites in a serious relationship do not attract. All inconsistencies in the criteria you describe (especially if they are in the "not acceptable" section) sooner or later turn into partner's shortcomings. This directly affects the quality of your relationship.

By the way, you may be interested in the fact that some people choose a life partner similar to their parent (father / mother) - no need to be afraid of this, especially if your parents are an excellent example of a happy family life.

In addition, both men and women are looking for the answer to the question:
how to understand that this is exactly the person with whom you can connect your fate?

In my opinion, for people who love each other, everything happens by itself. They hardly think about it.

Analyzing our personal experience and the opinions of experts in the field of family psychology, we can still highlight a number of points that make it clear to us that this is exactly the person we were looking for.

So if:

you are easy and interesting together,
comfortable when you are silent,
if you have known each other not so long ago, but it seems that you have known each other all your life,
if you experience great joy and awe from the meeting and miss when parting,
if you have similar views and dreams,
you are interested in the two of you, and you are also interested in everything that happens to this person, and all this is MUTUAL - then this is what you were looking for!

At the end of the question about choosing a life partner, I want to summarize :)

Remember that there will be no perfect match with the criteria you have given! Therefore, you do not need to adhere to strict compliance with your list. Look at each individual person, learn to find the best in him and appreciate it.

If at the very beginning of a relationship something annoys or worries you in the chosen one, think about whether you can put up with it in the future. Because over time this is unlikely to change, and irritation or disappointment can affect your relationship.

Of course, don't rush into marriage proposals or accepting such proposals! Approach your choice consciously, because the most important thing is not a stamp in your passport, but your personal happiness!

If you are interested in learning more about the intricacies and approaches to choosing a life partner, I recommend that you familiarize yourself with the course "Man and Woman: Relationships":

All the best!
Be happy!

Nata Stepina

Psychologists and sociologists talked about how to choose the right life partner.

After all, a successful marriage, which brings joy and a sense of peace and harmony, is far from a passionate and memorable relationship. Family life is predictable and calm. However, the benefits of a successful union between a man and a woman are invaluable.

According to official data, a relatively high percentage of divorces remains in Belarus. And that means only one thing: people do not know how to choose the right pair for themselves.

According to sociologists, the vast majority of men first of all pay attention to the physical attractiveness of a woman, her face and figure, while not thinking at all that appearance is very often deceptive, that the "content", that is, the inner world of the chosen one, can absolutely not match the colorful "shell" that initially attracted attention. However, do not rush to accuse men of being narrow-minded, because the choice of a physically attractive partner is an echo of ancient instincts. Even primitive creatures choose to procreate a physically healthy partner, a guarantee of which, in a certain sense, is beauty, but we will not call men primitive.

As for the majority of women, for them, appearance, when choosing a future life partner, of course, has a certain meaning, but it is not a priority. Of course, some women want to meet a handsome man from a billboard in their lives, but most women perceive the perfect beauty of a man not as a temptation, but rather as a threat. Consciously or not, women feel that they are unable to attract the attention of a brilliant man, and even more so to keep his interest, so many of them simply avoid handsome men, trying to protect themselves from possible suffering, and give preference to less beautiful representatives of the stronger sex .

When choosing a future spouse, the presence of common interests is also important, since in the future this makes it possible to spend leisure time together, contributing to the unity and preservation of the family.

Very often marriages are concluded between representatives of one or related professions. It is believed that people who have devoted themselves to one cause will more easily find a common language in the family. Of course, this is difficult to do in practice. Therefore, try to match your occupation at least by category. In other words, a successful careerist should not bind her fate with a worker.

One of the most controversial topics is sex. In fact, it is very important that partners satisfy each other sexually. It means: each person must find a partner who is similar in his views on the sexual sphere. After all, real life is multifaceted. People are not the same in their preferences.

The criteria for choosing a partner for marriage also differ among people of different material wealth. Wealthy people have some requirements, low-income people have different ones. According to sociologists, a financially independent person can choose a life partner as equal to him in financial situation, or with a lower income, which is explained by various reasons. So, for example, if a boy or girl grew up in a wealthy family and got used to a prosperous life from childhood, then, more than likely, they will prefer a partner belonging to the same social stratum.

If a man or woman has achieved their material independence on their own, then their choice is based on other principles. For women, as a rule, it does not matter much how well-off the future husband is. Most men from this category also choose a life partner among those segments of the population that are not wealthy, so that the future spouse is financially completely dependent on him and does not make excessive demands. Most often, such men need either a wonderful housewife, rather a housekeeper than a wife, or a "toy" with which one could appear in high society to the envy of friends. However, in fairness, we note that here there are exceptions, which, however, only confirm the above rules.