How to stop obsessing over a man who betrayed. Love addiction. Give him the right compliments

27.06.2020

Hello! My name is Tatyana, I am 24 years old. For me, for many years, it has been an edge in the search for a couple. For many years I have not found a person with whom I could (or would like) to build a strong relationship. Now I just want to live in peace, not thinking about my loneliness, I don’t want to get hung up on the problem of relationships in general. But no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it still doesn't work. I never, even as a child, had a question about what to do with myself: I myself came up with games for myself and for my friends. I have always been interested in both the company and alone. And in my adult life, I try to live with benefit: in addition to studying at the institute, and then working, I make websites (I run my own Internet projects), I am fond of web programming, I sing, I play the piano, I learned to drive (and drive) a car, I do historical research, write prose (and sometime poetry), do some social work, draw, visit exhibitions, museums, and travel. I tried to go headlong into work, and devoted almost all my free time to hobbies, developed in some areas. I also develop spiritually - I go to church (the Orthodox tradition is closer to me), there I can just be alone with myself and cry. It gets easier there. But still, sad thoughts about loneliness creep into my head, despite being busy. Moreover, these thoughts often do not leave for days on end, turning my life, to be honest, into hell. One day I decided that the reason for this state is the wrong attitude towards loneliness. I tried to "rename" loneliness, calling it freedom. And for a while, I was even quite happy. But then again everything returned tenfold. And although I almost always had some boyfriends, I still feel a sense of loneliness, and the thought that the most important thing in life is a happy relationship does not leave me. I often cry again, the happy couples around me annoy me, I, perhaps, envy them, in general, too many things began to annoy me so much that I just gradually turn into a boorish woman. Sometimes there is no desire to do anything at all, you just want to curl up and lie like that all day. I don't know how to get rid of it. I would be grateful if you could tell me how. Regards, Tatiana.

Hello, Tatyana!

Getting rid of this is very difficult, I would say that it is almost impossible. If a person really has something hurting in life, then everything will remind him of this, all the threads of situations will stretch to the point of this pain. In our Gestalt approach, this is called a “figure” or a key theme of the client and his experiences. Such a “figure” for you, it seems, has become the topic of “loneliness”.

It is impossible to get rid of the “figure”, it is difficult to drown out feelings. It is important and possible to understand how you create your loneliness. If a depressed person comes to me, I ask the question “How do you manage your depression?” and I propose to look for the answer to this question, to investigate. The same is with loneliness - there are no unambiguous answers, a person somehow constructs his own experience.

Perhaps you choose the wrong men. Perhaps you do something specific in contact with them… What kind of unconscious message do you give them… How do you understand that this particular person is your couple… What happened to those who did not work out… As you can see, there are a lot of questions for research . You can ask them yourself, but it is better to have a third-party person do this who is not immersed in the abyss of your experiences, and you would already be looking for answers.

In September 2015 on our channel "Psychotherapy in Russia" there will be a program about loneliness. I recommend you watch it, Tatyana! You will probably find something in tune with your own situation there.

All the best!

Kirill Sharkov, + 7 921 431 77 81

Few people manage to build a worthwhile relationship on the first try. There is nothing to be surprised here, because without experience there is no success. Someone thinks that meeting your person right away is a great success, but there are those who find it too uninteresting. Here are eight reasons to cheer up if your first novel wasn't your only one.

First doesn't mean best

The value of something first is overestimated. In André Mauroy's short story "Flowers of the Season", the protagonist, university professor and literary critic Étienne Carlu, brings flowers to the grave of his dead wife every Thursday. He swore to be faithful to her and does not believe that he will be interested in another woman.

But one day, at the same cemetery, Etienne meets a charming young widow, and a friendship develops between them. A new acquaintance reads books that Etienne recommends to her, and he, in turn, is pleasantly surprised by the maturity and depth of her judgments. So the hero Morua unexpectedly experiences feelings again and involuntarily notices that this girl suits him more than his departed wife.

New novel - another candy-bouquet period

My friend, after breaking up with a guy she had dated since school, admitted that, remembering the beginning of their romance, she thought: “Is it really that I will never have this again?” And there really was something to grieve over. The beginning is a pleasure for both. A man and a woman like each other, but do not declare it openly. They flirt and meet from time to time. They do not quarrel, because there are no resentments and understatements between them yet. Their first touches to each other are the most pleasant, because they have not yet become familiar.

This exciting period lasts until the first sex and some time after. Then people become closer, and their relationship is easier. So take each of your novels as a bonus and an opportunity to enjoy life once again.

Experience will make you wiser

Women who have sufficient experience in communicating with men are not surprised when a partner stops calling and looking for meetings. Those who have already experienced this do not panic, believing that the person does not call because he is busy, lost his phone, was in the hospital or died. For them, it is obvious that nothing happened to him, except for one thing: the desire to communicate was gone.

Your curiosity in the question "What about others?" will be satisfied

It is unlikely that monogamous never visits the thought of what it is like to meet with another person. Having only one partner in your whole life, you will not learn some curious, and sometimes even unexpected things about the opposite sex. Men, for example, should know that not all women love melodramas, children and compliments, and women - that there are men who are passive, prone to romance and dreaming of a big family.

You realize that it's all about attitude

Where people are involved, there will never be objectivity. Every situation can be turned the way the imagination wants. If desired, a tactful attitude can be easily mistaken for sympathy, and indifferent - for the desire to hide emotions. Thinking about how this or that person feels about you is a waste of time.

If a partner shows disrespect for your desires, does not keep his word, or treats your profession with contempt, the situation will not change. The question is, are you ready to take it and for how long. In the first relationship, you have the stupidity to look for excuses and hope for a change for the better. With experience, you come to the conclusion that it is pointless to expect changes in someone's character.

Breakups make you stronger

The first is more difficult than the next. Suffice it to recall Ivan Bunin's story "Mitya's Love". Mitya, having left his girlfriend Katya for the village, falls into a love addiction. His mood is influenced by her letters, and if there are none, he goes crazy. If Mitya had found the strength to survive this period of longing and despair, he would have perceived further failures in his personal life easier.

Mental torment tempers character, and over time a person learns to switch attention to work, sports, friends. And then the emotional state becomes more stable.

You will learn to let go

My friend, after parting with her first boyfriend, announced that he was a scoundrel and a fool, because he did not want to be with her. I asked her:

Nastya, do you want to date that older man?

Of course not! she protested.

So, are you an idiot?

She wasn't ready to admit that she was. The fact that the two broke up only means that they are no longer suitable for each other.

You will gain emotional independence

Many are interested in new passions of former partners. Five years ago, I could spend hours looking at photos of Lenochka, Anechek and Olenyok on social networks (for some reason they all had affectionate nicknames), comparing them with myself and looking for flaws in them. Over time, increased interest was replaced by lazy curiosity.

So if a few years ago you were crazy about someone you don’t care about now, then today’s jealousy will turn into indifference. I don’t react so painfully to the girls of ex-boyfriends. And some I even recognize as cute.

Incredible Facts

How to fall in love with a man to madness so that he loses his head from love?

How to interest him and keep him for a long time?

There are some tricks with which a woman can turn the head of even the most inaccessible man.

The following tips should be taken into account by girls who want to get a man and keep him for a long time.

How to make a guy fall in love with you 10 ways

Step: 1 Become an independent woman

An independent woman is one that can make a man lose his head and drive him crazy!

There is nothing more seductive and attractive than a girl who knows who she is, what she needs, and who does not need anyone's confirmation or approval.

She knows what she wants and how to get it. She never needs anything, never complains about anything.

This is the type of girl that just drives men crazy.

She is strong, independent, does not rely on anyone, men are attracted to such. There is something attractive about the fact that she does not need him, but still chooses him.

Such a woman is able to fall in love with anyone.

How to drive a man crazy, secrets

Step 2: Leave him in a state of wanting something more.

Always leave him wanting something else!

Men are hunters by nature. They like to fight for something and someone. Sometimes you have to fight to get what they want. And this fight is interesting in itself.

The inaccessibility of a woman and the hunt for her is a kind of fun for them, and this is what makes them appreciate more when they get what they want.

The way it is.

If you immediately present yourself to him on a silver platter, and he clearly understands that you are ready for anything for him, it means that he got you easily.

And this ease of possessing a woman will not make him go crazy.

Figuratively speaking, tame your man gradually. Show him your affection slowly. A man should feel that he needs to work, fight for your relationship, seek you throughout your life together.

It does not matter if he is your boyfriend or he is already your husband, do not forget that you must always stimulate a man and not let the hunter who lives in him die from time immemorial.

How to make a guy fall in love with you

Step 3: Be unpredictable

Being predictable is boring. Predictability is usually a routine. Routine destroys.

Unpredictable active girls who know how to cheer up always attract the attention of the opposite sex.

Get out of the box by doing something out of the ordinary from time to time. Believe me, men lose their minds from women who sometimes do something unusual, going against the generally accepted norms.

Rules are made to be broken. Remember this at least sometimes.

Step 4: Don't Focus on Your Looks

Most men think that girls who pay too much attention only to their appearance are boring and uninteresting.

They really like a woman who takes care of herself, but everything needs a measure.

Obsessing about always looking beautiful and never relaxing is exhausting for everyone. Including for a man who is next to such a woman.

Guys are very attracted to girls who can handle situations without focusing too much on how they look.

Step 5: Be fun and open

Be cheerful, open and cheerful. This will make him want you even more.

Everyone loves cheerful and friendly people. And it is quite logical that guys are attracted to cheerful, funny, active, girls who know how to laugh, like to have a good time and do crazy things.

True, many girls are only in words. In fact, they prefer to indulge themselves and just talk, praising themselves.

And a cheerful girl who can suddenly become wild and crazy will definitely attract the eyes of men.

Seeing such a girl, the guy for sure will not miss her, will be interested and want her next to him.

Step 6: Show that you are a confident woman

Perhaps this is the best advice to all girls: others see only what we show them. And if you present yourself in a certain way, that's how you will be perceived.

This applies to everything, including self-confidence.

Did you know that most people who exude confidence are actually just pretending?

Psychologists say that it is best to behave this way. Thus, over time, we get used to the role that we portray for others, the role of a confident person, and gradually we really become one.

There is nothing more attractive and beautiful than a confident girl who knows her own worth.

How to make a guy fall in love with you, fail-safe ways

Step 7: Make eye contact with him and drive him crazy

No wonder they talk about love at first sight. Sometimes, in order to drive a guy crazy, just one look is enough.

Look closely into his eyes, make eye contact. This look is all it takes to light a spark and turn a man's head.

Your eyes, your gaze, and the right timing can do real magic on a guy. You can awaken emotions in him that he did not even know about!

Step 8: Surprise

It is necessary to surprise a man by fueling his interest in you. Surprises are an important and integral part of our lives.

Show him that he doesn't know you well. He must constantly discover new facets of you.

For example, if he is used to seeing you in a formal dress, put on sexy shorts and an original T-shirt so that he sees that you are not afraid to be different.

If he is used to the fact that you are responsible and punctual, take one day to take a break from work and just spend it with your beloved man. Rock out together, have fun in a way that will make this day memorable.

This is especially true for married couples. After all, as a rule, relationships are ruined by everyday boring routine and routine.

Therefore, various surprises and amenities are simply irreplaceable in a relationship.

Do something he doesn't expect from you!

But most importantly, always be yourself. You should not try to become someone else, you just need to show him the other side of your character.

If you do it right, he will definitely want to see more of what you have to offer!

Having achieved our goals, we usually allow ourselves to relax, forgetting about the rule that ...

Having achieved our goals, we usually allow ourselves to relax, forgetting about the rule that the achieved result must be periodically reinforced, otherwise all efforts will be in vain.

This rule also applies to men. Having met a man, having a promising relationship with him, and even marrying him, women usually completely dissolve in him. Concessions begin, sacrifices for the sake of a loved one, to the detriment of their interests and hobbies, the whole world closes on one person. And then, suddenly it becomes noticeable that he has cooled off towards you, his interest has disappeared. The question arises, what did you do wrong and how to keep a man?

It is quite possible to be “object number one” for a man all his life, but for this it is necessary to make some efforts. First of all, you should figure out why he is cooling.

Every person has a desire for novelty, a woman can satisfy this need by buying new things, and A man wants novelty in a relationship. The conquering instinct is also important, which must be constantly nourished so that the man’s interest does not disappear after he has finally conquered you.

The availability of women is also important. If she is always open for communication, sacrificing her interests for the sake of a man, this can play a cruel joke on her.