What should a mother do to a family? Teach, develop, drive... What else should a mother do in Russia? "Perfect mother" is not the same as "happy mother"

27.06.2020

To be a good mother, in general, is the normal desire of any woman. True, the criteria for "goodness" in each family are very blurred. What works for one mother and her child may not work for another. How to treat other people's advice and how to become self-sufficient and happy?

What is the ideal?

A good mother never gets annoyed with her child and never yells at him, much less spanks him;
she is ready to sit for hours with her child and sculpt, draw, lay out patterns from cereals;
she leads the child to various developmental activities (in order to develop everything that can be developed: the brain, knowledge, muscles, willpower and character);
she is aware of everything that happens in the life of the child;
she is always smiling and ready to help at any moment;
her child never gets sick, because a caring mother is preventing any diseases on all fronts;
she does not go shopping and does not sit for hours with her friends for idle chatter;
her child is always neatly dressed and combed, he is not rude to anyone and polite to everyone, his mother does not have to blush because of him;
and she invariably prepares healthy, proper food, which the child always eats without talking, and at her house everything shines and shines with cleanliness. Everything seems to...

“From a social point of view, the ideal is the right mother, who should sacrifice herself to children, but demand obedience, courtesy from them and make sure that they certainly please everyone around them and certainly achieve success,” sums up Irina Mlodik, child psychologist, representative of the Interregional Association of Psychologists-Practitioners "Just Together". At the same time, it would be nice if the mother still had time to develop herself and be interesting to her husband.

The question arises whether the ideal woman has time for her own desires and needs. And in general, does she have the right to her own life?

Psychologists are sure that it is best for both a woman and her loved ones if she has the opportunity and need to realize her desires and dreams. A child needs a happy mother, not a mother who is tortured by work, children and her husband. However, life is sometimes different. Becoming a mother, a woman seems to be deprived of her right to life - personal desires, plans. But besides this, a flurry of advice on raising, educating and feeding the child immediately falls on the mother from all sides. “You have to do this…”, “You have to…” – she hears either from a neighbor on the porch, or from a doctor in a clinic, or from her mother-in-law or her own mother. And many women are trying to take all these "wise advice" into service. But is it worth it to follow them so diligently?

“Such phrases are uttered more often not at all out of good intentions,” says psychologist Irina Mlodik. “Underneath them, oddly enough, lies not the desire to help the mother or child, but the desire to compete with her — that is, to show that the adviser knows much more about education children in general and about this particular child in particular. It is important for moms (and dads too) to understand that following other people's advice means giving your parental authority to another person. And in this case it will be very difficult to learn how to be a parent. You can listen to advisers, but it's up to the parents to decide anyway. It's impossible to learn something from someone else's mind and experience. Parenthood is something that comes from practice, from your decisions made and implemented."

Why is it sometimes so difficult for parents to live their own mind? “There can be many reasons for this,” Irina Mlodik answers the question. “They can do this out of anxiety, out of self-doubt. It’s sad that the more parents listen not to themselves and their child, but to other people’s advice, the less confidence they have in The habit of obeying here can also take place.

Educate yourself or your child?

As a rule, adults consider themselves smart and experienced, and children, in their view, are stupid fools. That is why parents consider themselves entitled to teach their children about life. And when a mother looks at the world with an unclouded, clean and clear look, she causes condemnation from others: "Well, what are you like a child! .." - they say. Meanwhile, psychologists believe that it is precisely this - a living mother, with genuine feelings, emotions and reactions - that children need. And for this, a woman and a man must be psychologically ready to become parents.

“Then motherhood will not be endured by a woman as a monstrous, exorbitant burden, accompanied by endless anxiety, painful insecurity and sacrifice,” says Irina Mlodik. “It would be nice if motherhood was conscious, that is, a woman could understand her own feelings and be able to mirror feelings of his child. The child is interesting with his mother, who is interested in his personality, and not only in whether he ate well and did his homework. "

“Recently, in one book, I read an instructive and at the same time funny parable,” consultant psychologist Vladimir Bogdanov joins our conversation. “A mother brings her son to the sage and asks: “Tell him, please, what is sweet - it’s bad, it’s harmful.” The old man replies: "Come to me in two weeks." At the appointed time, the mother again brought her son to the sage and again asked him about the same. The old man approached the boy and said: "Do not eat sweets, it is very harmful." The mother asked indignantly: "Why couldn't you say that two weeks ago?!". "Two weeks ago I myself still ate sweets..." - answered the sage. I think that it would not hurt parents to learn from the experience of this old man. After all, mom and dad are an example a role model for any child. Children soak up everything from the environment like a sponge."

Indeed, it has been confirmed by a variety of scientists: children do not perceive words, it is useless to tell them how to behave, how to live. They still copy their parents from behavior and habits to building their own lives. “When I worked as a psychologist in a kindergarten, I noticed,” Vitaly Dvornikov, a psychologist-consultant, life coach, spurt trainer, shares his observations, “that if the mother is nervous, then the child has psychosis, and when the parents are calm, harmony in the soul, then there are no problems with the child.

“I would say to parents: you can raise a child, but he will still be like you,” comments Irina Mlodik. “And therefore, if you want to convey to him healthy models of dealing with yourself, with others and with the world, implement it yourself ".

So before demanding pathological honesty from a child, think about whether you always tell the truth yourself. If you want to ask your son or daughter to be patient a little more, standing in line at the post office, remember your mood after an hour spent in a traffic jam. By the way, many psychologists advise to use "I-statements" more often when communicating with a child. Then it turns out that you do not give the child any ratings ("I ate badly", "behaved well", "clever", "stupid"), but speak exclusively about your feelings ("I was offended to see this", "I'm glad that you coped", "I understand your feelings in this situation"). According to psychologists, this alignment of speech is very effective in establishing a dialogue with your beloved child.

“As practice shows, if a person doesn’t like anything in his life, in the behavior of the people around him, including his own child,” says Vitaly Dvornikov, “it means that you need to change something in yourself. It’s difficult, but the result is not keep you waiting."

And what are these parents for?

My interlocutor, five-year-old Ksyusha Pichugina, gave a typical answer for kids: "Mom and dad are needed to raise a child. And for this they must feed him." An older child, of course, will name much more "functions" of parents. But here are the symbolic "duties" that psychologists emphasize.

"Mom - feeds, cares, certainly (it would be very desirable) accepts, notices, is interested in, helps and teaches how to deal with your feelings, teaches you to understand yourself and other people, creates warmth and comfort and is an interesting person herself, for whom you want to" reach out ", - reflects Irina Mlodik. - Yes, mom is also in a wonderful relationship with dad, as shown by the model of life in a happy couple. Dad - protects, teaches to protect and defend, sets boundaries for the child, teaches to translate chaos into order (in thoughts, in life, in the room), helps to grow, develop, grow up, helps to plan the future, expands the world of the child, telling, showing, opening. mom child, broadcasts and receives respect for all family members. The one who, with his realization and success, helps the child also become successful in life. "This, of course, is ideal ...

Every evening I tell my son: "I love you." And the boy, who is 7 years old, answers me: “Anyway, I love you more” ... Some mothers are especially lucky, they have a son. The bond between mother and child is very strong, but in the case of sons it is special.

A person who has been doing unthinkable things all day long - running very fast, naughty, fighting and being capricious, in the evening turns into such a gentle and sensitive creature that you can’t even believe it! This is an important point: you need to let the child know that his love is mutual, and his mother loves him no matter what.

Then a real man will grow out of a boy, not only strong, responsible and corresponding to the ideas about men in this world, but also able to love! But this is the main thing for a person - to be able to give his love to others and appreciate it.

These rules are clear to every mother, but even the most diligent parents should be reminded of such things. Indeed, the daily bustle sometimes erases the essence of what is happening - for the sake of which, in fact, we all gathered here and why we do everything. Remember the most beautiful moments that fall to the lot of a mother raising her son!

How to raise sons

1. Feelings turn into words
To help your child cope with emotions, it is worth teaching him to express his feelings in words. A healthy child is one who does not restrain his emotions, understands himself, knows how to control sensations and calls a spade a spade. Emotional constriction breeds many diseases! Show by your own example how to express emotions correctly and how to name them.

2. Support forever
The main admirer of the son is his mother, of course. She knows everything about his achievements and failures, remembers the smallest details of his life. Sometimes a son may be ashamed of his devoted fan, but he will always know that there is a person in this world for whom he is the most important.

3. Householder
Do household chores with your son, teach him to cook, wash, clean and take care of himself. He will definitely need it!

4. Dance
Dance together, and never make fun of a child's awkward movements. Dance is a way to get to know your body better and express your state through movement. This is a great therapy for bad mood and stress.

5. Good people.
There are a lot of good people around, and everyone is beautiful in their own way! Teach your child to be receptive to positive examples, talk about outstanding scientists, travelers, writers... Faith in people is instilled from childhood. When it is not, life loses its meaning. The son will still have time to face the negative, but to see the good in everything - this can be taught.

6. Best example
The superhero is mom. The most intelligent, beautiful and kind. Always remember that you are the ideal for your child and match it.

7. Faith
A person must believe in something. If you protect a child from religion, teach him to believe in goodness and justice, in karma. Faith saves from loneliness and despair and will be with the child all his life.

8. Tenderness
There are things with which you need to be careful and gentle. Animals, nature, small children and other people's feelings are real treasures.

9. Things
Things break, deteriorate and become dirty, this is inevitable. Mom should take it for granted. An extra quarrel over soiled clothes is useless, it is much better to teach a child to correct the consequences of his violent activity.

10. Interests
It is very important to maintain mutual understanding with your son, and for this you need to be interested in what he is interested in. This is useful for mom - learning something new, she retains her youth!

11. Walks
Walk together more often, enjoy the beauty around. Teach your child to understand nature and enjoy observing.

12. Games
The son doesn't always have to win - let him lose. This is a useful experience that will teach him to treat life philosophically. Not always everything will work out, you need to earn a victory.

13. Help
Do not refuse to help your child and ask for help from him! This is an excellent tool for educating a wise person. Helping his mother, the son feels useful and learns to help other people.

14. Practice
To achieve perfection, you need to work! Talents without hard work mean nothing. Teach your son to be diligent and not to quit things before finishing them. If it didn't work on the first try, it will definitely work on the tenth.

15. Questions
Try to answer all the questions your child asks you. Ask counter questions. The most important thing is to teach the child to find answers to all the moments of interest to him on his own.

16. Dad
Mom should let dad be dad! For a son, this is authority, there is no need to undermine it, even if dad does not always cope with his role.

17. Sports
For a boy, this is very important! Choose a sport that won't be too traumatic, like swimming. Physical strength and health will help a man to be self-confident.

18. Kisses.
Tactile contact is important for both boys and girls. Hugging, kissing and holding hands is to show your love. Teach this to your child.

19. Society
Take your son with you to visit, travel, everywhere. This is an invaluable experience that will shape his personality!

20. Necessary things
Never forget to put tissues, antibacterial agent and band-aid in your purse! Without this, it is better not to leave the house.

21. Good manners
To be able to give way, to be polite and even courteous, to respect women are useful qualities. They will win people over to their son and promote social adaptation. Always show courtesy by example.

22. Reading together. Read books together!
When a child is already reading on his own, it's great to just sit next to him and read your book. The example of an adult is contagious!

Your son is the treasure of your heart and he should always know about it. The boy will turn into a man, but he will love you just as much. Even in difficult times, remember that you are lucky!

Most people love their children, take care of them, trying to bring them up well, instill a variety of vital skills and give the best education.

At the same time, without thinking that they are acting as parents, in accordance with the requirements of the articles of laws.

Dear readers! Our articles talk about typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique.

If you want to know how to solve exactly your problem - contact the online consultant form on the right or call the numbers below. It's fast and free!

What laws govern this issue?

Caring for children is the constitutional duty of dad and mom(part 2 of article 38).

Parental responsibilities are regulated by Chapter 12 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, each of the articles of which explains the essence of the rights and obligations of parents of different categories– married couples, singles, minors, adoptive parents, etc. in different life circumstances.

The state pays enormous attention to the education of the younger generation, adopting federal laws, as well as other regulatory legal acts, the number of which exceeded 140 documents.

Despite the measures taken, the issue of parental responsibility, their awareness of the importance of family values in the upbringing of children remains topical.

New "Law on Education"

As for the education of children, it is clearly recorded in the new Law of the Russian Federation “On Education” of 2015 No. 273-FZ (adopted on December 21, 2012), which also highlights the duties of parents in the educational field.

In addition to choosing an educational institution, form of education, national and foreign languages, the parent is obliged to be interested in curricula and teaching methods.

Attending various medical and psychological examinations of a child is the right of parents, as well as protecting the interests of their minor offspring. But compliance with various rules, regimes and procedures of the educational institution is the responsibility of parents.

Parents are obliged to take an active part in resolving all disputes and conflicts in an educational institution with the participation of their children, not to let it take its course and not bring the situation to the intervention of guardianship authorities, especially law enforcement agencies.

The tasks of raising minor children

The obligation to raise a child (Article 63 of the RF IC) means instill in him good manners, comprehensively develop, teach him to be in society and be in demand. Education is expected from all angles - the spiritual, physical, mental development of the personality of the offspring.

Raising a child is not an easy task., requiring the expenditure of time, labor, soul, but without this it simply will not work to achieve the desired result.

In the event that father and mother separated, for the maintenance of children under the age of 18, the one of the couple with whom the children live is entitled to alimony, withheld from the earnings of the other.

Funds for the maintenance of the offspring can be transferred by agreement between dad and mom, without the involvement of the judiciary.

Failure to fulfill parental responsibilities

The lion's share of families fulfill their obligations in relation to children in accordance with their own ideas about the upbringing and education of children. That's why, not everyone and not always do everything properly.

Responsibilities are considered unfulfilled or not fully fulfilled if minor children:

do not visit regularly school lessons;
swearing, do not know how to behave;
steal, beg, wander;
consume alcoholic beverages, and drugs, and etc.

A child who is not given time by dad, mom or both parents, with whom they are not engaged, immediately finds something to fill the hours of inactivity, and her negligent "ancestors" may be subject to punishment.

What are the consequences of poor performance?

Those parents who improperly fulfill their duties in relation to children under the age of 18 are subject to administrative punishment (part 1 of article 5.35 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation). This is a warning or a fine, but this is only the first time.

If the failure to fulfill parental duty is aggravated by cruelty, then the punishment is already more serious., this is a criminal punishment (Article 156 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation) in the form of a very large fine, or working off a mandatory period of up to 440 hours, or up to 3 years of forced labor.

In the presence of a combination of grounds, manifested in the whole complex of unfulfilled debts to children complicated by criminal intentional infliction of harm to the health of a minor baby, his parents (Article 69 of the RF IC).

A decision may be made about (Art. 73 para. 2) when the life or upbringing of a child is valid there is a real threat posed by the behavior of mom or dad.

Who enforces the provisions of the law?

Undoubtedly, community and school play a role in identifying dysfunctional families where children are physically or sexually abused, where children are unkempt, hungry, and parents drink or lead an antisocial lifestyle.

Law enforcement agencies also monitor compliance and identify pockets of trouble by exposing brothels, where children are forced to be, abandoned and not receiving proper education, security.

But it is precisely the authorities and guardianships monitor how parents fulfill their duty to their children who are not yet 18 years old. PLO employees have the authority not only to appoint guardians, but also to:

solve the issues of placing children in children's institutions;
protect the interests of the child in court proceedings;
have decisive vote at meetings of commissions on juvenile affairs defending their interests.

Despite the measures taken by the government, the number of dysfunctional families in which there are minor offspring does not decrease.

In time to pay attention to such a cell of society, when the child has not had time to completely lose interest in a normal life, and kindergartens, and schools, and not indifferent neighbors, and an attentive district commissioner can help.

Preventive measures can bring positive results only when the problem has not yet acquired an irreversible character, then it is possible to do without harsh measures against parents who have deviated from the main course of their lives - raising and providing for children.

Greetings, dear readers of my blog! I, Tatyana Sukhikh, tirelessly share with you everything that I know myself. Just recently, I told you about what a kindergarten teacher does and roughly described my job description to you. Now it is the turn of the second participant in the educational process. Do you want to know the responsibilities of parents in accordance with Russian law?

I am sure, friends, that many of you have not thought at all that the relationship between members of the same family is regulated by our legislation. Until the thunder strikes, as they say. Is it possible, however, that someone, unfortunately, had to defend their rights as a parent in court? If you want, share your experience!

So, for the sake of general development, I’ll tell you that, according to the Family Code of the Russian Federation, mothers, fathers or persons replacing them have clear responsibilities in relation to their children or those entrusted to them. Moreover, rights and obligations overlap and come out of one another:

Everyone who has children has the right and duty to take care of their upbringing. Moreover, mothers and fathers have the primary right to raise their own babies, and grandmothers and all other relatives should not interfere;
Mothers and fathers are obliged to take care of the comprehensive development of their children, their health and well-being. By law, we do not have the right to cause both physical and moral damage to our children;
As parents, we must ensure that our children are educated. As far as I know, any child should study exactly 9 classes. We have the right to choose an educational institution, as well as choose the form of education before school, taking into account the opinion of the child. That is, attending kindergarten is voluntary, while school is compulsory;
Parents have the right to protect the interests of their children, communicate with them, even when living apart, etc.

It seems that there are few duties, but let's take the right to raise children. After all, this is such a broad concept, education! According to the law, education is a positive impact on the development of the child - spiritual and physical, as well as teaching the norms of behavior in society and ensuring the education of children. Of course, everyone puts their own meaning into this concept.

What do you think about education?

Additions to the law...

According to the content of the articles of the Family Code listed above, in my interpretation it is difficult to understand what burden of responsibility lies on mothers and fathers. For example, nothing seems to be said that we must support our children, by the way, only up to 18 years old, and then - at will. An exception is if the child is disabled and cannot support himself. So, I don’t want to delve into the norms of the law, I’m not a lawyer ...

I wanted to say that concern for material well-being is “hidden” in the paragraph where it is said about concern for health and all-round development. Children's health is ensured by creating favorable conditions for life, providing good nutrition, organizing their leisure time (physical education and sports), providing timely medical care, etc.

In addition, we must organize a healthy, spiritual microclimate in our own family so that children grow up in a favorable environment for moral development. I would like to add that in all our actions and decisions, the well-being of the child should be a priority according to the law. If, for example, a baby has poor eyesight, but a specialized kindergarten is far away and it is inconvenient for parents to get there, then all the same, the baby’s interest should come first. That is - you must take the baby to a distant kindergarten, because this is important for his health.

What can I say, for normal parents in the order of things: do not put personal interests in the first place if there is a child. It is clear that the level of responsibility of parents depends on their moral principles, living conditions, and education. What is normal for one is unacceptable for another.

You know that family law, administrative, civil or criminal liability is provided for failure to fulfill your parental responsibilities. But we punish parents only in egregious cases. If the baby is malnourished, wears torn shoes and does not have the opportunity to attend sections, then such mothers are not punished.

Yes, people's financial situation is deplorable, but I often see that parents do not try to make it better. You can find funds for elementary hygiene products, and even mend things in such a way that it will be imperceptible. Poverty is not a vice, but it is not an excuse either.

What are the responsibilities of parents whose children attend kindergarten?

You often hear from mothers, grandmothers and even fathers that you, educators, must do this or that for our children. Have you thought about what you should do for kindergarten? Yes, there are requirements for parents, imagine.

The Constitution does not prescribe the duties that parents face in relation to a preschool institution. But there is a model provision for a kindergarten, on the basis of which each kindergarten draws up a Charter, which also contains the duties of parents. So, if you want your child to attend a specific kindergarten, then be kind enough to comply with the Charter.

For example, it says that the participants in the educational process are educators, children and their parents. And the relationship between all parties is built on cooperation, mutual respect and the priority of human values. Sounds nice, right?

You already know the duties of teachers, but do you want to know yours? There are few of them:

Follow the Charter of the kindergarten, which you should be familiarized with, but it usually hangs printed out on information stands;
Comply with the clauses of the agreement between parents and the preschool institution;
Provide the institution with all possible assistance and support in the implementation of the tasks set;
Timely pay for the maintenance of preschoolers in the kindergarten.

The administration of the preschool educational institution determines the internal rules - the time for receiving children, the schedule of classes, etc. You, dear parents, must fulfill them. There are also requirements for garden clothing, a change of clothes and other things that are needed to ensure the comfort of the child and the convenience of the staff.

Usually, when you enroll in a kindergarten, you are given a list of everything you need for your child. The duties of parents are not burdensome, but are often simply ignored.

So, you must bring and pick up the baby on time. Oh, how annoying it is to explain that your lateness greatly interferes with the educational process! You are not late for work, but you can go to kindergarten. I don’t want to swear with moms and dads, we will always be silent, we will make concessions. And who appreciates it?

Cry from the heart…

Or here is the clothes for the kindergarten. You ask, you ask, not to put on things of complex cut with incomprehensible fasteners, but who is listening. But there are approved requirements for clothes for kindergarten. And responsible parents read them, preparing the baby for kindergarten!

Every woman wants to be a good housewife, wife and, most importantly, a good mother. But often in the daily bustle, we forget about the simple things that make a mother out of a woman. We forget to tell children that we love them, we forget to just hug them. After all, expensive tutors, private schools, and valuable material goods that we so often worry about are not what strengthens our connection with the child. Sometimes you need to be a little distracted from the process of teaching the baby, and be with him just a kind and caring mother.

30 rules of a good mom for every day:

Tell your child “I love you” more often. It's never too much.
Show your baby that his hugs mean a lot to you and can solve a lot of adult problems. Just ask the baby to hug you in difficult times.
When dining with children, be sure to ask about how their day went, what was good about it.
It is important sometimes to praise the child in the presence of other people; for children, these moments are significant.
You need to give children compliments and show how the child should give them to others.
At every opportunity - kiss and hug the child.
You have to teach your child to laugh. Including over yourself. Laughter often helps to get out of even difficult situations. Children should be taught not to take themselves too seriously. After all, everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone can laugh at them, not everyone can take their mistakes with a sense of humor. And is it important.
Say "thank you" to your child more often. So we will teach him to be grateful.
You have to be able to forgive everything. And this applies not only to the child. And it is worth explaining to your baby that anger eats from the inside of the one who is angry.
Set aside a day when you will be alone with your child.
You should never forbid a child to be himself, even if his emotions or reactions are not to your liking.
Morning and awakening of the child should begin with our smile and kiss. Only without haste and shouting “We are late!”
Everything that a child wants to talk about should be treated as the most important conversation in the world.
You should try to ask your child what he thinks about things concerning your family. His opinion is also taken into account.
There is no need to be afraid to trust children even with difficult work. Let them be wrong, but they will already know what it is. Useful in life.
Children can and should be asked for help.
You need to be able to admit your mistakes. This will teach the child to relate more easily to his mistakes. He will understand that not only he makes mistakes.
Any little things should be important for you: whether it is the name of a friend in the kindergarten, or the name of a toy.
Come up with a cute nickname for your child.
Sometimes, instead of fairy tales, you need to tell children some story from your own life. All this unites him with you and with the family in general.
Sometimes turn on the music and just dance together. Moments like these are the most precious.
You can come up with a secret family password or cipher.
Sometimes you need to let the kids play pranks: scatter socks and T-shirts around the room or paint themselves with paints. All this can be eliminated, and the children have fun. The main thing is not to overdo it.
Rarely, but still, sometimes you need to be allowed to break the rules: let you watch TV until late, sometimes you can not go to school. Let these rare opportunities be a holiday for the baby.
You should always ask for forgiveness if you were wrong.
Let your child make their own decisions.
If we have already promised something to the child, it must be fulfilled. Or don't make promises.
When children sing, you need to sing along with them.
It is very important not to forget to tell the child that his dad is the best and most caring in the world.
It is necessary to take care of every gift, craft and postcard from a child, this is important for them.