The choice between wife and mistress psychologist's advice. Mistress or wife - a conscious choice. What to do next

When you get married, you always dream of an ideal family, of love until a hundred years old, and that spouses will never cheat on each other. But, unfortunately, such a life is really a rare exception. In any case, most men periodically go to the left, and some even have a permanent mistress, and not just casual relationships. So where do such women come from that they agree to share a man with his wife?

To be honest, when I was married, I could not imagine the reasons that could make me become someone's mistress. It seemed to me below my dignity, even if I loved that person very much. And I frankly did not understand one of my acquaintances, who for many years had been the mistress of a married man, and at the same time very happy.

Subsequently, when my marriage began to slowly but surely crack at the seams, I thought about this issue again, and identified several reasons why a woman becomes the mistress of a married man:

1. The most common reason is the fear of being alone. It is well known that in our country there is a terrible lack of men, and, as a popular joke says, “for 10 girls, according to statistics, 9 guys, of which: 4 alcoholics, 2 drug addicts, 2 gays and 1 normal, but he is married.” And on top of that, if a woman is with a child, then for some reason this confuses many people, and the chances of getting married again become small. This is where it comes down to sharing.

2. The reason is more sublime - great love for a married man. Here, on the one hand, everything is simple and clear, but on the other hand, it is nowhere more complicated. Because sharing a truly loved one with another woman is very difficult.

3. I conditionally called the next reason “convenience”. When a woman has already been married once, and the man's behavior was particularly consumerist, so that the woman simply served the man, then she simply does not want to repeat this experience. And then a married man becomes an ideal option for her. The case with my friend is just from this series. And, to be honest, after parting with my husband, I myself thought about this option, since a free man will sooner or later want to live together. And personally, I now have a strong prejudice against living together with a man - in everyday life, I prefer to maintain freedom.

And finally, a little anecdote that that same friend told me:
Three friends meet.
One wife has been ten years old - another mistress - the third is engaged (bride).
Well, we discussed our men, this and that - we decided to experiment: put on leather black underwear - sexy stockings with a belt - high heels, a mask over the eyes and so meet your loved ones.
A week later they meet again.
The Bride says - He came home, I met him in stockings, in a mask with high heels, he attacked me and said that I was the love of his life and we had sex all night.
The mistress says - I came to his office - closed the door - opened the raincoat - and there was leather underwear, a mask, heels - he did not say anything, but we had sex for 5 hours without a break.
Wife tells embarrassed - husband came home from work, I opened the door in leather black lingerie, sexy stockings and a mask - he looked and asked: "What's for dinner, Batman?"

For the life of me, I don't want to be Batman anymore...

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The choice between a wife and a mistress is a painful situation, so try to look from the outside. To make an informed decision, it is important to separate short-term emotions, flashes of passion, possible resentment and other husks, to expose real feelings of love, affection, desire to care, willingness to be, as they say, next to a person "in wealth, poverty, trouble, joy." Think logically, discard the feeling of guilt, it aggravates the situation. Be responsible, fate, personal happiness depend on the choice, so it’s worth weighing, analyzing all the pros and cons.

Imagine there are two projects on the table in front of you that should be analyzed, looked for possible miscalculations, decided and put into development. Creating harmonious relationships is also work, no less important than building a safe house for operation. Projects have different stages of development, but they have one goal - to make your life happy. Marriage is a voluntary union, which, like a project, has a certain duration, beginning with a candy-bouquet period and a honeymoon, and ending with a divorce or death of one of the spouses.

There is another option - the slow fading of feelings, cooling, indifference of partners, communication difficulties, turning into irritation, hatred. If this is about your family life and attempts to restore mutual understanding are ineffective, then it is better to leave the family. Is it worth it to torture each other, trying in vain to fan the extinct fire of the family hearth, if attempts to resurrect past feelings prevent you from becoming happy individually?

It is necessary to understand the specific goal of each project, the time for implementation, and take into account the budget. Please note that leaving the family for a mistress does not cancel your right and duty to be a loving, caring father to your children. Regardless of the circumstances, you are their protection and support in this difficult world. Try to avoid demonstrative mutual accusations, typical wars in which a wife and mistress are involved. Children are not to blame, they experience the separation of their parents most painfully. Their small world is crumbling, where everything is clear, laid out on shelves. When you leave your family, keep in touch with them, explain how you love them.

Once, in the vastness of the Runet, an instructive story came across. The child could not accept the divorce of his parents, closed in on himself. An experienced psychologist listened to the confession of a married man who for a long time could not decide how to choose between his wife and his mistress, invited his wife, the mother of the child to the room, then called the baby. She asked the boy what kind of girl he likes in the kindergarten. The child replied that at first he sympathized with cute Anechka, now he likes cheerful Katyusha. Then the psychologist asked: “Why then should dad live with mom if he fell in love with another woman?” The kid looked at her carefully, approached his parents with the words: “Come on, I understand everything!”

I love both

Who will win in the struggle of heart and mind, the lawful wife or mistress?

Typical confession of a married man: I'm not a goodie. They lived well, peacefully, quietly, only had sex once a month. I fell into a depression, but did not change. There was flirting with different girls, it didn’t go beyond. I went into myself, was silent, actively watched porn, worked, and now I understand that my wife felt my secrecy, doubted my love for her. I started drinking but quickly stopped. At that moment, another girl appeared. There is a huge difference between a wife and a mistress. It turned out that I was a good lover, I felt young, full of strength. But the girl is angry with me, screaming that I'm using her, and then immediately confesses her love. I went through a lot with my wife, I love her too, but in a different way. I can not say that a mistress is better than a wife. I don't know who to choose. Confused. I seem to lose a part of myself by making the final choice.

First, let's deal with the concept of "love". If we understand affection by it, then it is permissible to love two or three people. But, understanding by this word mutual care, devotion, support, we realize that feelings are directed at a particularly close person. With such a strong connection, we do not need anyone but the object of love. Often, instead of such feelings, people experience emotional dependence, habit, lust, persistent interest, confusing it with true love. This explains the typical phrase "I love both in different ways."

There is another interesting point of view. Attraction to two women at the same time is considered through the analysis of physiological and psychological causes. Some psychologists advise looking for roots first of all in oneself, in early childhood. The boy always requires constant attention, mother's care. Having not received love, he matures, becomes an adult man and the desire to have endless maternal love turns into the need to receive affection, care from other women. Psychologists say that more often than not, the cause of romances on the side is the unfulfilled children's need for love, attention, and not the sexual aspect, as the majority believes.

How to break a love triangle?

The psychology of a married man who has a mistress creates a specific pattern of behavior. The need to hide relationships on the side, to constantly control one’s own speech, to seem calm are unpleasant moments, but they pay off with the absence of the usual reproaches, reading morality, which the wife often abuses, renewal of intimate life, the illusion of free relationships. A man tries to live up to expectations, but, letting a person into his own life, he becomes vulnerable, susceptible to manipulation.

But the motives of the girl should be taken into account. What pursues, expects a new hobby? Over time, the lover will either begin to rigidly demand more attention, effort, financial support, skillfully manipulate feelings of guilt, affection, or will find a more suitable option. Of course, the exception is true love, which will help overcome all obstacles, fire and water, business bankruptcy, prolonged lack of money, a serious illness, will not fade away from routine and life, but such cases, unfortunately, are rare even among legitimate chosen ones, not to mention a new one. sweetheart.

Most often, a girl is looking for a married partner who has already reached certain heights in order to win him, perhaps even give birth to a child. Thus, she kills two birds with one stone - increases her self-esteem, status and gains material security. Skillfully playing on weaknesses, family misunderstandings, problems that bother you, but there is no one to discuss them with, she will achieve what she wants.

Need to be determined. An unfinished relationship is like a thorn in the finger. They interfere with enjoying life, constantly threaten to aggravate the situation, the appearance of an abscess, and can lead to a nervous breakdown. If the connection is alive, try to restore it.

When we live in vain hope, regularly compare a potential partner with the former one, we ourselves do not change inside, there is a threat of repeating the mistakes of a previous marriage. The novelty is gone. Romance is slowly moving into everyday life. The new lady of the heart imperceptibly loses her angelic appearance, turning into an ordinary woman with her own problems, demands, claims, reproaches. Vicious circle.

This is how stereotyping, stereotyped thinking is created. We justify ourselves by believing that "all women are the same" or "again made a mistake, did not meet that one." However, the real reason is deeper. It is necessary to revise values, analyze mistakes, work on oneself. Therefore, before starting a new relationship, you should definitely end the old one.

Psychologist Kristina Kudryavtseva argues that the triangle cannot be broken if it is perceived in the plane of competition between two parties for attention, significance for the third. Focus on yourself, internal conflict. Is it a choice between what for you? What you are striving for, understand the essence of the search. What's missing from the old connection? Is it possible to fill an empty niche of marriage, to complement your project?

It is permissible to seek help from an experienced psychologist. Independent analysis is not always effective. Barriers work, psychological self-defense, distorting the perception of the situation. A critical appraisal is needed.

If we are not aware of what is happening inside, from the outside it seems that this is fate. - Psychologist Carl Gustav Jung.

The presence of relationships on the side indicates problems, stagnation in the family. Take into account the advice of a psychologist: make a decision consciously. Analyze the situation, calculate the risks, predict the possible consequences, scenarios, take into account the strengths and weaknesses. Do not be guided by someone else's opinion, the advice of friends, do not succumb to manipulation. You are responsible for your own life, your choices. No one knows better than you what decision to make.

In very extreme cases, a Russian man agrees to visit a psychotherapist, it is very difficult for him to do this. And if the question concerns his double life, that is, “how to make a choice between a wife and a mistress, if he loves them both,” then it’s completely difficult. But, when a man, these are those rare cases, nevertheless decides to go to a psychologist in order to finally understand himself and remove the knot tied around his neck by life, which is called “wife-lover”, then he has the opportunity to analyze this situation . And it will not only be an analysis that has a “good-bad” plane.

“I have had two families for over 20 years”

“It seems to me that my wife understands very well that my constant business trips are trips not related to work, but she is silent and has not said a single reproach in all the years”

“I can’t make my final choice, because left without a wife or my mistress, I will no longer be myself”

That's approximately with such problems men come to see a psychologist. And many people have such a problem, regardless of their social status, financial capabilities, professional activities and age. They are not able to make their own choice, that is, to choose either a wife or a mistress. They doom themselves to such a painful life of lies, and also do not allow their two beloved women to live in peace. But for years and even decades, they do not succeed in doing anything.

One circumstance is surprising, if we are not talking about elementary promiscuity, a man experiences almost equally strong feelings for both his wife and his mistress. Often, these two women differ from each other in absolutely everything - a different type of character, temperament, education and education, social status. But the feelings for both his wife and his mistress are equally strong in a man. What's the secret here?

Psychology and physiology, what is the reason for male infidelity?

It is worth saying that such a paradoxical situation, when a man feels love for his two women, has not only a psychological background, but also a physiological reason. The psychological reason goes back to the childhood of this man. A young boy can never receive full maternal love, that is, he has a constant deficit of this feeling, and this is independent, in fact, a woman pays little attention to her son, or, on the contrary, devotes herself to the child. A boy always needs a drop more of a woman's love. And when such a boy grows up, then the dreams of motherly love are transformed into a desire to receive the maximum amount of love and care from women who are ready to give him a lot of affection.

Experts in the field of psychology have long known that such a neurotic dependence on female love, which is rooted in distant childhood, and leads to situations where a man has little attention from his wife and he decides to receive this deficit on the side, from his other beloved woman - his mistress . Of course, not everyone can agree with this, because we generally believe that it is a man’s desire to diversify his sex life that leads to romance on the side. And yet, experts say: the psychological side of the “wife-lover” problem begins to form precisely in childhood for those men who are considered to be polyamorous.

If we are talking about the physiological side of the problem, when a man has the same feelings for both his wife and his mistress, then her underlying reason has emerged after recent studies conducted by foreign sexologists. It turns out that a man can get into a physical dependent position, to be more precise, it is at the level of male potency, from the presence of another beloved woman - a mistress.

Scientists have found out such a thing, during sexual intercourse in the female body, natural erection stimulants are released - they increase blood flow to the male genital organ. And the more excited a woman is during sex, the more pride it causes in a man, he feels like a sexual giant. And it doesn’t matter that such a state passes in just a few minutes, the main thing is that a man considers these moments unforgettable.

And what is so bad if the woman whom the man loves gives him additional exciting emotional moments during their sexual intimacy? And even more so, what is the connection between the fact that a man has a mistress and he lives for decades, torn between two families?

It turned out to be easy to solve the rebus: after a while, the male body gets used to the stimulants that the wife secretes, and, therefore, their effective impact decreases. But if he gets himself another woman on the side, then his body does not get used to it so quickly, because he receives various stimulants! Having spent more than one year with his wife and mistress, giving them his love, it seems to a man that he is a “real macho” in bed. And he does not even want to think about parting with one of the women, such a thought causes him a bad mood and a gloomy state. And even worse, if he still refuses one of them, then he can be subjected to real breaking. And here no one will insure a man from the fact that he will go on a rampage.

According to psychotherapists, it is possible to help a man and solve the problem of a love triangle. There is one catch here, a man himself must want
get out of this situation. Namely, so that he wants not only to return his soul to a comfortable state, but also to make his beloved woman happy, regardless of independence, the choice will be made in favor of his wife or mistress. In this situation, the chances of the two women are equal. Although the specialist will give preference to the safety of the existing family. But even in the case when a man opts for a mistress, the wife will not only get freedom from such a relationship, but will not be tormented by an uncertain situation and her opportunity to try to become happy increases.

Other articles on this topic:

How to know if your wife is cheating How to survive cheating husband? How to understand a woman? How to make him think about you Ways to be a happy wife forever What should never be said to men Complexes in relationships Why men don't want to get married

Housekeeping and all household chores can be better managed by a professionally trained housekeeper, not a wife at all;
- it is better to diversify sex with different favorite sexual partners, and not with one atrophied log-like woman with curlers on her head - the little wife;
- children can be born on the side and peacefully visit them with your attention a couple of times a week, loving them and giving them gifts ... "

I saw this text only because I was sent a link to it in the mail:

What to say? A very logical and sensible picture of the world. Everything is convenient and dosed. Even kids.

Why don't you want to peer into the world drawn by the author, so convenient and thoughtful?

A family is actually very burdensome: a wife, children, pets, all this is spinning, spinning, barking, snooping around and grumbling.

Moreover, to be honest, even a woman does not need a husband ... well ... on a daily basis.

Let him come on Sundays with money for a baby and with a cake, with flowers and perfumes, all sorts of other goodies.

No one will mark the apartment with dirty socks, carefully, like a Columbus card, examine checks from the store, eat a whole frying pan of cutlets, snore at night and dictate a testament in a broken voice at a temperature of 37.2.

Guest marriage is becoming more and more popular in the world. And is it possible to come up with at least one intelligible and logical argument in favor of a traditional marriage?

Even if you try, opponents of family values ​​will immediately come up with counterarguments and the argument will go to infinity.

Is there any logic involved here at all?

What is the logic of flowers, piercingly fragile and beautiful? There is no excuse for such madness as love. Compassion and mercy are terribly burdensome and irredeemable on this earth.

I can still talk about the family from the standpoint of a child, because I remember my childhood very well.

The father and mother of my childhood are inseparable, just as love itself is inseparable. Every evening dad read me fairy tales, helped me do my homework, we walked our beagle Guy with him.

And without a mother, it was generally impossible to imagine a house. Mom's love for dad, and dad's - for her - the foundation of the foundations of my world of childhood.
What books, songs or poems could tell me with such evidence that love actually exists?
My dad constantly told my sister and me that there is no better, more beautiful and smarter than our mother and that his main dream is to give his life for her, if necessary.

As an adult, I was surprised to learn that, it turns out, there are "women's" and "men's" housework. Everyone in my family did everything they could and a little more. Parents always helped each other, supported each other, were very friendly. Our family lived and grew in their constant dialogue.

I still can't imagine my parents apart. Dad is no longer around, but he is with us. I don’t know how to explain, but when I see my mother, I hear her, I almost always see and hear my daddy, the dearest and most wonderful father in the world. I keep tripping at the end of a phone call with my mom when I tell her "kiss you" because every time I want to say "kiss you". Kiss mom and dad.

Conjugal love and unity never end in death. I believe in it and see it.

Mom and dad, children, family. This path is very difficult, but if you choose it honestly and with all your heart, you will never regret it.

How to prove it? No way. How not to prove the first meaningful smile of your baby or baby, your casually meeting glances over your native curly head, your sticky fear in the hospital lobby, where a gurney with a beloved sick person has just been brought.
May they only be healthy, prosperous, our parents, husbands, wives and children, so burdensome and so absolutely necessary.

A love triangle, like a boat, is often rocked by someone: either a wife or a mistress. These two heroines of one novel are trying to turn this construction around so that only two remain “alive”: he and she. The third spare - to the bottom. The opponent who one day makes an unforgivable mistake will lose in this fight. About what kind of mistakes can leave a wife behind - in the SHE material.

It is rare when a wife is so wise and kind that she calmly puts up with the fact of having a mistress and, guided by the pretentious rule “if you love, let go”, blesses her dear husband on the road for new happiness. The triangle is barricades and guerrilla warfare. Psychologists talked about popular patterns of behavior for wives and their possible consequences.

Mistake number 1. I give birth and keep

How many times have they told the world that children are not toys for adults, but things are still there. Despite age and circumstances, ladies are trying to organize family happiness through pregnancy. “Here I give birth, and he will remain,” the deceived wife thinks in stress. And decides on the irreparable.

“This is the worst way,” says psychologist Alexander Ustyuzhanin. - It turns out that the wife makes a sole decision to give birth to an unloved child in an unstable family.

Accordingly, she must understand that such a choice is her personal responsibility and the fate of the child is completely on her shoulders.

Yulia Merenchuk, a psychologist at the Runway Personality Movement Center, agrees with her colleague: “In no case should you give birth in order to “keep” someone else. A woman shifts responsibility for the relationship between herself and a man to a child who will have to somehow live and grow with this burden.

Mistake number 2. Criticize the opponent

Resentment paints vivid pictures in the wife's imagination that destroy self-esteem. And in order to somehow correct her, criticism of the opponent is used. But a strange phenomenon occurs - the effect is the opposite.

“When something that is close and valuable to us is scolded, we automatically begin to fiercely defend it all,” Yulia Merenchuk reveals the secrets of the psyche. “And when we defend, we build up new arguments in our view in favor of the hero for whose honor we are fighting.”

“She’s fat, not your type at all!” - objectively indicates the fact of excess weight mistress wife. “No, she’s quite slender,” the husband stands up for his choice and immediately begins to think of her that way.

“Of course, he will protect her,” Alexander Ustyuzhanin clarifies. - After all, at the moment he is in a euphoric state of love. And with all the strength and ingenuity characteristic of him, he saves his bright feeling from you - an external enemy.

Mistake number 3. Call your mistress and explain everything to her

The most common strategy that a man resorts to in order to incline a fresh body to the triangle is the presentation of the legend of the “old, stupid, sick wife”, which is impossible to leave, but, in fact, there is nothing to love. And wives know this. One day, some of them make a bold decision: to meet their mistress face to face and clearly explain to her who is the mistress in the house.

“In a game between spouses, a lover is a pawn,” Alexander Ustyuzhanin believes. - If one does not agree to a triangle, then there will be another, especially if the man has already tasted the taste of treason and is in a chronic search. Of course, if a wife has the strength, courage and confidence that she will be able to conduct such a dialogue with dignity and emerge victorious from it, then why not? And if she comes to a meeting and makes sure that next to her mistress she looks, frankly, a pity, what then? The move is quite dangerous, Yulia Merenchuk notes:

“When a mistress is an indefinitely mythical creature, this is perceived more easily. But it is worth seeing her in reality, as her wife immediately begins obsessive fantasies:

she constantly presents in realistic detail her husband's past and future infidelities - and this turns into self-torture.

Mistake number 4. Cause an attack of jealousy

The challenge of jealousy, like the challenge of Santa Claus, is the most popular and is widely advised by girlfriends and women's magazines. But is he really that good?

“The fact that a man begins to be jealous does not mean at all that he wants the object of his passion to be the only woman in his life,” warns Alexander Ustyuzhanin.

“Jealousy is a very controversial method,” Yulia Merenchuk doubts. - It must be remembered that men have a fear associated with fatherhood on an unconscious level. They are always a little “on suspicion”: are they raising their own child? An open provocation with jealousy can finish off a strained relationship between spouses. To the point that the husband may even be delighted, having concluded: “That's it, finally I am free, my wife is attached, you can leave.”

Mistake number 5. Make a scandal

Every time an unfaithful husband returns home after adventures with an unpleasant aftertaste that he once again needs to play up, cunning, make excuses. And then there's the scandal: the wife yearns for truth and repentance.

“The scandal causes a feeling of guilt,” Yulia Merenchuk comments. “A person always tries to avoid guilt.” According to Alexander Ustyuzhanin, a letter can become a competent alternative to scandal: “You can convey in writing everything that is needed, with the right, thoughtful words. For example, like this: “Darling, I know everything, it’s hard and painful for me. Choose: either leave, or stop extraneous relationships and look for a way to fix the situation.

Sending a traitor home with a suitcase is an emotional, painful, and difficult act. But, nevertheless, it is recognized by experts as the most honest and correct. “Most often, husbands with suitcases return,” Yulia Merenchuk recalls. - Noticed: a man is driven by herding, greed and a sense of loss. When a person loses his home, table, favorite sofa, children, "old and sick unnecessary" wife, he begins to overestimate values. Winding back and forth can last two weeks or six months. And here two options are possible: either he will immediately go where he was sent, and the wife will bypass many painful stages of the struggle with his mistress, or he will wander in uncertainty for some time and return.